For a while there, you had me convinced...

Swear it was like, 

I'll be damned, 

I'm finally back to being who I am.

When I was over, 

it was overnight.

Light came on, 

it all felt right, 

when it all went wrong.

It all depends...

I think I might have forgotten that life was never meant to be understood. It was meant to be felt. I spend so much time trying to figure everything out. Trying to fix. Explain. Solve. Control. But life is not a puzzle, it's a wave. And I was never meant to carry the wave. I was meant to let it move through me. 

The joy, the fear, the heartbreak. The moments that didn't make sense until much later. I was never broken. I was becoming. I think my sadness comes when I try to hold on to what's meant to pass. I grip the moment, the person, the feeling. Hoping to freeze it in time. But everything I ever loved, was borrowed. And the beauty of it was never in the holding, it was in the being. So when it starts hurting again, I won't rush to escape it. When I get lost, I won't race to find direction. I'll feel it. All of it. Because this too, is part of the dance. And maybe if I'll listen closely enough, even my pain will teach me how to be alive. 

Sleepless in the onyx night...

Vsak spomin, ki v meni je,

plačam z mučnim vbodom v srce.

As the day ended, I went out and searched again, but found nothing, neither paradise nor resurrection. What had been said proved unjustified. Everything is starting to feel like madness. There has never been a time quite like this. And I have a sneaking suspicions, that it's just preparation for what late adulthood still has in store for me. The miracle is that I can never really know for sure where I am on the journey of my life. The laws of nature shall not spare me, even if I live amidst a lie and to die for one. It follows that the very laws of the universe are nothing but a made up set of rules, a farce put on by the creator, to pass the time more easily. What's there to live for, answer me, won't you please?