This is what it comes down to...

In the midst of life happening all around me, I lost the ability to be okay. I lost the ability to trust. I lost the ability to love myself, and it feels like I've lost everything. And when the one person in the entire world who loves you unconditionally doesn't seem to hear what you're saying, then you start wondering will anyone ever truly understand? And then I get scared that I have to even ask that question. And then I feel lost, torn, broken, unfixable, damaged, and like nothing in the entire world could ever possibly be okay again. So I feel even smaller, even weaker. And then I realize again, that I lost myself. That in the midst of life happening all around me, I lost the ability to be okay.

Just a little impaired...

Making friends with shadows on my wall...

I move forward, treading carefully. Assessing the fault lines; the red flags; the triggers, the trigger-happy destroyers, and the destruction left in their wake. I continually assess when and how to I should react; when and how to silently stand strong; when to retreat; and if and when I must run. But I can't always control it. What will set of the blaze inside. So everything must be reflected on, new findings factored in, continually assessed and re-assessed. I decide I will talk about what's happening, it helps. I'll weigh my options, for myself and those I love, it helps. I'll make contingency plans, it helps. I'll fear nothing. It helps.