We'll be frozen in time...

I can't wish away the scars...

And do you ever feel the motion?

And have you ever seen the sun,

setting fire across the ocean?

And I will promise you, 

the best is yet to come.

And if I have to wait a moment,

let the ache fall from my heart,

because I can't give up on forever.

And if I stay a loaded gun,

because I can't live with now or never.

The fate of Karr...

If I imagine myself at the finish line, it seems almost unfathomable I'll ever be able to finish. It just feels like it was something I reached for without truly understanding my limitations. A dream I had without realising what it means to actually live it. So now I am left with a choice. Brute-force my way to some sort of conclusion, or walk away from something that was never really mine in the first place. Or maybe I'm being too hard on myself again? Maybe the only rule is that I don't remain still. That I start with the first page, and then maybe tomorrow, try to finish the second one. And then maybe the third. And then maybe I end up somewhere I can't imagine. Maybe.

If you've got a flag, plant it in the ground...

The more I kick and scream, bite, scratch and try to run away, the darker the skies seem to get. It is now very clearly evident, that I cannot run away from my pain and I cannot outrun the storm. The rain keeps falling, the skies keep trembling, and I am caught in the thick of it. But as it turns out, the water does not scare me anymore. I have learnt to swim. Against the current, with the current, without the current. I am still here, and I am in no rush to go anywhere. So stay awhile, and listen; how the boy became a man, and if luck remained on his side, how the man will become an elder. Quite the story, actually. 

Put in love, put in hours...

He is like that spark of fire, that fell on a leaf and burnt the whole tree down gradually. Look at him now, all you can see is the memories and reflections of a tree that stood tall and strong once before. But he will not let you win. He will show you, how life can rise again from just ashes and dust.

The rain began to fall harder, and it distracted me. I tried to pull myself back, because I felt on the verge of understanding something large and important. It seemed to me that this moment, the light and wind, the sweep of fields, the falling of the sky, captured a sort of life that I have longed for, a life of order and harsh beauty. It seemed instead to be the thing for which I must daily give up my life, an act of submission to something I could not name and only rarely, in moments such as these, have a sense of. Life during these moments seemed neither lost nor ruined but a power to be shared. And devoured.

Give you all that I have...

Forgive me if I jump...

I'm the trouble ahead,

and I scream in my sleep.

You're putting money on red, 

I'm a sure bet at a losing streak.

I keep showing you doors, 

but you can't open them up.

because it gеts harder to see me,

the closеr you try to look.

Not coming back here anymore...

Now that you're standing right here...

He wondered if some part of him knew what was waiting for him. That he would never be a gentle grower of things, or someone who burned like fire - but that he would be quiet and enduring and as faceted as the night. That he would have beauty, for those who knew where to look, and if people didn't bother to look, but only to fear it, then he didn't particularly care for them, anyway. He wonders if, even in his despair and hopelessness, he was never truly alone. He wonders if he was looking for this place - looking for you all. The people who look at the stars and wish. The stars who listen, and the dreams that are answered.

From the bottom of my boots...

Rad bi rekel, da sem že prispel,

ampak mislim, da sem še daleč stran.

I try to focus, but there's a disconnect between my body and my mind, like nothing about it fits anymore. I don't feel like I belong in this body; like I've lost my ability to interact with this world. It feels like I'm observing through a veil, and I don't know how to move. Panic is a type of pain too. And going forward I really need to learn how to tame mine. My thoughts aren't real. The scenarios in my head aren't a warning. They're a pathology. And like any other corrosive limb, I need to cut it off. Set my body free and continue with less of me. Hopefully enough to still resemble a person.

On the edge of gone...

I know you're worried. I'm worried too. I'm sorry for not being able to explain things properly or give you the answers you want. I'm just, very ... I can't think of the right word. How do I explain that my mind is too slow and too jumbled all at once. That I'm out of gas and I barely get through the day? That I've failed, and the only way to keep from falling apart is to accept that? Or that maybe I've already fallen apart, and I don't know if I can sweep the pieces back together? I guess I'll settle on three words. I am tired.

Not good at staying still...

I wish I could know you much more sometimes...

If you wanna kick this rock around,

if you've got a bone to pick with me,

if you've got a flag, 

plant it in the ground.

I'll stay here until morning,

we can fight like we used to fight,

bony-limbed, red-faced, and teary-eyed,

under the glow of the TV light, 

I'd be willing and able.

Just let me be broken...

It's a state of mind...

Have you ever felt your destiny unfolding in front of your eyes? Have you experienced the intensity of the hunt, the fixation of attention that only fate can explain? Have you ever told yourself your feelings were excessive, but known that something huge and pivotally important was carrying you along like a riptide? I can fight that current all I want; but I know it will still have its way with me. Or I can try swimming along with it, and grow amazed by my own power, until I pause and realize that I'm not moving but being moved. I'm not in control, not at all, and that's what makes the feeling so exquisitely exciting.

Lay it on the table...

Sometimes getting to the other side seems impossible. I know there's a way. I can actually see the steps in my mind, but it all seems out of reach. I must pause. Relax. Let me muscles rest. I have to remind myself to do what I can in the moment I'm in. 

He doesn't like it when characters fade from his story. So apologies in advance, for having to bear with subplots within subplots. Plan within plan. His life just somehow turned out that way. By chance or willpower? He can never truly decide. He leaves people and places and times behind. And then he encounters new ones. Sometimes he can't see the patterns or connections, but they are there, between one breath and the next. In the ebb and flow of tides. In the rhythm of the dance.

I think I'm seeing things...

More than anything, I think I want to walk through life, gently. And I want to treat this journey with reverence and as much as possible, I want to walk in peace. I want to walk lightly, even joyfully, through whatever days I am given. I want to laugh easily. I want to step carefully in and out of people's lives. I don't want to tread any heavier than necessary. And throughout life, I think I would like to walk with more humility and less anger, more love and less fear. I want to walk confidently, but without arrogance. I want to walk in deep appreciation. I want to be genuinely thankful for life's extravagant, yet simple, gifts. If life is a journey, then how I make that journey is important. How I walk through life matters. 

Fill up my lungs...

Can't decide if I should let go...

It's in my blood, 

you got me drifting.

Fill up my lungs, 

a new beginning.

Feel so alive inside your echo.

I lose my mind,

you got me falling so deep,

we stop the time,

now you're all I see.

Inside your echo...

Sometimes it's not what you do differently it's what you do consistently. In recent weeks I approached solving my life's problems from many different angles. I used to try to make everything perfect, wanting everything in its place, life proper and justified. That was my desire. It did not happen though, yet that desire did not die. Ironically, as I fell into deeper adversity, it grew. And in some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice. I felt the meaning for my self imposed suffering was the honorable character I would later possess; it had to be.