When push comes to shove...

I'm not sure why I came here. I know there must be a reason, there always is. This time I just find it difficult to identify. I didn't meet anyone, I didn't learn anything, and I certainly didn't accomplish what I wanted to. This has never happened before. Never once have I not been able to find the purpose for what I was doing. Maybe I'm looking too hard, maybe it's something more simple this time. So I sit and wait and wonder; does an angel contemplate my fate?

I think it's time to call it quits. I've been trying to spread out, and write where I might reach a few more people. It isn't going the way I wanted. I'm starting to think this is one of those dreams again, one that's just not going to come true. I've had my fair share of those, I don't know why I thought this would be the one exception. I'm not sure how to leave it all behind. I hate disappointing people, even those I don't really know. But most of all, I'm worried this is a loss I won't be able to overcome. I admit, some things are meant to get broken, I just wish this wasn't one of them.

I need a new plan, a new goal. Winging it isn't working for my anymore. I need to be doing something more, something better. I think I need to get on a boat and set sail. I need to have faith and the strength to keep wishing, and dreaming and working towards something. This defeat is something I need to survive, even though it feels like it hurts so much more than everything I've experienced. Maybe this is what I was supposed to accept during this voyage. I tried again, and I failed better, I failed unlike anything before. But life won't break me, I won't let it. Wherever it might take me, at least she won't forsake me. And I'll be loving angels instead.

Halfway back home...

I have this dream about taking this thing I'm doing here, and just breaking away. I may stay here, just for the hell of trying. I picture myself standing infront of the gate to the airport, and then suddenly I stop. I stand there for hours, watching one plane after the other fly away. I wouldn't say anything to anyone, I would just vanish. No one would ever know, no one would ever suspect. I wonder how I would fare, I wonder how far I could make it. Even after all these years I'm still involved in the process of self discovery. I think it's better to explore life, and make mistakes than to play it safe. I think mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

Distance has widened and new things have grown in place. Nothing is really forgotten, but at this point it's fluid. It's taken me long to encourage myself to stop wishing for a return or a sincere apology, to just let go and hold the hand that's here. Do you know the most surprising thing about heartache? It doesn't actually kill you, but like a bullet to the heart, it should. When someone you've promised to cherish forever, suddenly lets you go, it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know.

The city that Care Forgot...

It's kind of a funny story. Everything is unfolding exactly how I thought it would and nothing like it. She's doing this on purpose, I know she is. But the more I look around, the more I realise that I've been here before. I've met these people in the past, and whatever happens in the next few weeks, shall just be a repeat of what already was. I'm sure this is a test. I'm supposed to react different this time. I'm supposed to do something differently, I'm supposed to be someone different. Yet I don't quite know if I have the resolve to see it through. I understand what must be done, and what must be avoided. Why then can't I shake this little voice inside my head that keeps whispering the dreadful truth? Why then can't I pull the trigger and let loose the demons that bind me to this prison? Why then can't I for once, just simply be myself?