Forgetting everything I've seen and known...

You're so vain, 

you probably think this post is about you.

The world is burning...

No one can prepare you for the thrill you feel when you go against every value you hold dear. The deeper I plunge in, the clearer it becomes that this was a path I was always meant to walk. I just needed a push, and you pushed me further than I'll ever allow anyone again. Perhaps this is a downward spiral I'll never recover from, and maybe that's just fine. I mean if one road does not lead to where you need to be, the other surely must, right? The voices of the dead echoed through the silent night, and the truth was clearly evident - if she saw me now, she would be so disappointed with me, with who I'm becoming, and more importantly, who I'm not. The world I'm discovering makes me rethink everything I thought I knew, and I think there's so much more I need to learn. Tell me, do you think fools like me can find their way out of the dark or are we destined to walk in the shadows, eternally trying to find the light that inexplicably eludes our grasp? Nothing makes sense, and I'm afraid nothing ever will again.

He knows he tracks a troubled thread, and that the only way forward, is through. His thoughts are hard to focus, and he acts without reason or necessity. He wonders if he shall regret the mistakes he makes today, or if he'll ever wish he'd never given up. The stories he experiences at the brink of consciousness fuel his art, his passion for life, and his resolve to create, to make a difference. You would not even recognise him - he is no longer the boy you all fell in love with, he is something far more sinister. He is exactly what you despise, and he is the complete opposite of what you expected him to become. He has transformed into the anti-hero, the character in the play everyone wants to defeat, the monstrosities hiding in you closet, and the cautionary tale you'll tell the ones you'll love after him. He is your biggest mistake, and your greatest regret. He failed as a friend, as a first love, as love all together. He has failed, that is for sure.

It should have been me...

It's not about trying to reclaim lost lust or love or affection. It's not about the person, and it's not even about me. It's about the principal. It's about the common notion that we should have finished what we started. And I know it's childish and immature and selfish, but the fact remains that this is how I feel, and this is how I choose to express it. As burned out and wasted as I am, I have realised that perhaps my ideal vision of how I should lead my life was meant to be broken. Maybe this means I can finally let loose the chains which bind and embrace the fact that I am not that good of a person, not that good of a friend, not that good of a partner. Maybe this is my moment to let go of my insecurities, of my pride, and of my inherent ego - to reach beyond my limitations and become that which I have always wanted, yet immensely feared. The boy who said he'd never give up, is crying wolf, and the time has come to finally, against all odds, defy every single rule I've ever made, and just go for it. I think if I want something I never had, I need to do something I've never done. So tonight marks the milestone when they have won, and I have admitted defeat. Tonight I give in to my lesser instincts - and pray to god that I don't stray too far.