Sky and sand...

How is it possible that I have everything I've ever wanted, yet feel as lost as ever - unable to calm my nerves, letting my old disease take hold, and knowingly making choices I'm bound to regret? I have changed, for sure, and for sure you were the catalyst. But this was not the kind of transformation I am accustomed to, one where my entire foundation is shaken, and every visible eye can see that I am no longer the boy they have learned to call their friend. This time it was far more subtle. Almost undetectable, yet equally altering. You influenced me by unravelling what true love really feels like. What it means to say forever, and truly stand by it. What it means to give your heart, even the tiniest pieces, and be certain they are safe. I never expected you'd take hold of me in ways you did, that we'd last this long, and even longer still, that every love story would become about you, that every song would call your name.

The stones on the riverbed...

Forever or down in flames...

Above all else, what I've learned as another year passes by, is that I am destined to be one of those people who feed off their loneliness. I manifest circumstances to facilitate it, to nurture it, and to destroy anything that might threaten it. For what it's worth - I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you shall fall victim to my disease, like so many before you, and I imagine, so many after. I tried to get better, I really did, but I guess there are some afflictions that cannot be cured. I never wanted to turn out this way, to be this person, yet as it is now clearly evident, I simply do not have the willpower to transcend beyond my limitations. There is no more fight left in me, and it would be foolish to try to convince you otherwise, to try to convince myself. The games life plays with me, I always lose, and screaming out in pain shall do none any good. So I shall lay here, as I forever have, as I forever will, and dream of the person I could have been. There will be no tears, no wallowing, no self pity - just the simple realisation that the end has come. The end has come for sure.