All of the stars...

They all seem infected with a vivaciousness that isn't common in our compound, and there are more smiles on their faces than I've ever seen at once. And yet as I watch them, I feel more intensely than ever the knowledge that I'm not one of them. For most, birthdays are a kind of countdown to the end, the ticking clock of a dwindling life. For me, birthdays are notches on a timeline. Will I grow tired of parties one day? Will my birthday become meaningless? I imagine myself years from now, maybe at my hundredth birthday, looking all the way back to my twenty seventh. How will I possibly be happy, remembering the light in my mother's eyes? The swiftness of my brothers steps as he dances? The way my father stands on edge of the park, smiling in that vague, absent way of his? The scene shifts and blues my imagination. As if brushed away by some invisible broom, these people whom I've known my entire life disappear. The courtyard is empty, bare, covered in decaying leaves. I imagine it being deserted, with everyone dead and gone and only me left in the shadows.

We'll meet in the spring...

There's something about the way 

that you always see the pretty view,

overlook the blooded mess, 

always looking effortless.

I got no innocence, 

faith ain't no privilege.

I am a deck of cards, 

vice or a game of hearts.

And still you, 

still you want me.

It's becoming a freak show...

If outer events bring me to a position where I can bear them no longer and force me to cry out to the higher power in helplessness for relief, or if inner feelings bring humiliation and recognition of my dependence on that power, then this crushing may open the door to grace. Because we need nothing more than the experience we are having right now. It is enough. It is plenty. It is perfect just as it is. It was designed for you, given to you for your experience. All you have to do, and all you have ever had to do is accept this gift. Take it and let it in. Let yourself experience the present moment just as it is. It doesn't get any better than this. This is the simple truth we refuse to accept, and it will suffer as long as that is the case.