I want your disease...

All the pain in the world won't help you

find something that doesn't exist.

Dance till you drop...

No good deed goes unpunished...

I keep waiting for this giant storm to wash us all away, but it never does. I'm stranded here with nothing more to say, because really, everything has already been told, except the secret of how it all came to be. Perhaps that is what needs to be done. Perhaps I'm finally ready to tell. But who do I go to? The authorities? My family? My friends? No one would understand, no one would be able to forgive. The time for redemption has passed and with it a new dawn has broken, carrying winds of past mistakes, betrayals and death...

You know, when you decide to keep something to yourself, just for a little while, just so you can recollect yourself. But then months go by and still nobody knows. A year passes and suddenly it feels like maybe you could simply forget. Then half a decade later, you start feeling this uneasy sensation - guilt. You try to suppress it and sometimes you can even succede. But try as hard as you might, it will just keep growing, until one day, you can't live with yourself anymore. And when that day comes, you realise that so much time has passed that it's too late to tell the truth, but knowing that doesn't make the pain go away, it just makes it bigger...

So I guess this is it. We share no more words, because after all this time we are still strangers, who struggle to define ourselves. We share no more thoughts, because we were never truly one. But it is this very secret that will connect us forever and in the end it is this secret that will doom us both...

The L word...

Today I said goodbye to the building in which I basically grew up in. The second I stepped through the threshold of its doors, I knew this was the place where my life is going to change, and boy was I right. I met people who inspire me, even to this very day, people who taught me how to be a better person and during all of it, I learned a lot of things - both about life and academics. But as I walked its halls for the very last time, I noticed something I had never before. The immensity of it all didn't seem so scary anymore. I conquered its walls while conquering most of my fears and I'd like to think that I made a difference...

Yet as I gazed upon the mighty fortress I realised I felt exactly the same as I did before - no sense of closure, of direction, of purpose. So isn't that in itself a failure? Yesterday I found out, I lost another battle. I was so certain I was going to win, which was probably my downfall. I know, I know. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but to be honest over the years, I sort of forgot how to lose, especially for things I put effort into. When I won, I won big and I'm proud of that. But now I guess I have to face the other end of the stick, and I just want you to know, that I'm going to be proud of this phase as well, because I'm going to handle it with grace and dignity, both of which I gained because of you, and your willingess to listen, to critique and to love with all your heart...

I can't change time...

Somebody once told,

the whole world is gonna know me.

Well the years start coming

and they don't stop coming.

So much to do, so much to see.

You'll never know if you don't go,

you'll never shine if you won't glow,

only shooting stars break the mold...

Time can change me...

I've always hated this time of the year. It's a time when our very foundations are being tested, when the future of our relationships is uncertain. A time of great sorrow and grief, but also a time filled with joy and an overwhelming sense of peace. We're all anxious. We all make plans how we're going to recreate our existence. Yet all too often we fall back into old rythems, because stepping through the door, just seems so incredibly hard...

Did you ever think about the connection between love and our senses? It's always been strange to me. My lover kisses me and I feel a tremor in the back of my knees, the sinapses fire orders to move my legs my arms - she's the one for me, my one and only. And I know because the smell of her makes my head spin. I get a physical jolt everytime she sends a glance my way. She touches me here, I feel it there. I touch her anywhere and I feel it everywhere. Can anything change that? Can anything make me hate her, and all that she represents? Perhaps there is something so despicable, so heartless, that it would replace this desire with complete and utter numbness. Perhaps there is nothing that can be done and what shall forever remain is a clenching hunger for a profound and pristine connection...

Daleč je daleč, daleč je zdaj...

Lost in the city of Goge...

Do you ever wonder about that fairy tale, you know that love story, which was never really told? The one that you never had the courage to tell. In life, there is truthfully only one real beginning and one end, everything else is just a whole lot of middle. And most of us try to make that middle as fun as we possibly can. We make sure that we surround ourselves with people who make us laugh, who make us think, who make us feel. But every now and then, we need to be alone so we can figure out what lies ahead and who actually cares enough to not let us go...

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth. There's still a little hard to say what's really going on. I step a little closer each day and I've realised that it's not that hard to fall, when you flew like an eagle. Excitement pours down my body, through my every vein, just the thought of it finally happening, makes me shiver. I'm waiting, like I did so many times before. Patience has never been my virtue, but I have never before felt this intensely that something is about to happen. It has to, it simply must...

Dogodka ni bilo, ga ni in ga nikoli ne bo.

I want to do bad things to you...

These will be the best memories...

Another day has gone...

There is no normal. There is only change and resistance to it and then more change. Things don't seem as certain today. And I wonder what really matters in the end, in the whole flux of time.

What is it that you know that no one else knows? The self examination has begun, one looks inward, one opens an interior door. Cobwebs. Darkness. She's still part of me. I'm still part of her.

The events that will transpire today, will send en echo into the future, which will be heard for years to come. But one day the echo will silence, and nothing shall remain of this night, not even a memory.

An impossible task, an inconceivable wish, a drained soul. Hope? Light? Redemption? A smile, a look, a feeling. Love? Friendship? Destiny? All that is left is all that I have given and ever wanted to achieve.

I wonder if I have the courage to forgive, the resolve to take the high road, the imagination to create my own unique legacy. Will you play a part? Will you help me?

Amid the pitch black sea, a fire is extinguished, the crushing waves overflow, yet still he stands, as proud as ever, yet still he breathes, as strong as ever, yet still he wishes, as loud as ever...

The cake is a lie...

For me, being a "writer" means sitting alone in a room and working out my grief, my rage, my imagination and my deep desire to make people laugh. And every now and then I'd like to think that I make a work of art, which then transforms my world with the truth, because in the end that's all we want, that's all we really need. But the thing about the truth, is that it makes everything else seem like a lie...

You know there are some days, when I think to myself, how things would change if I had chosen differently, if I had the courage to wear my heart on my sleeve and say what I feel. Things aren't going the way they should, the way I dreamt they would go and for the first time I lost my sense of right and wrong. You know that fear I told you about awhile back, the fear of being forgotten, it seems that my worries might have been justified. Life is strength. That is not to be contested; it seems logical enough. You live; you effect the world around you, but when you pass away do you fade within the shadows of greater beings? The ones that weren't afraid to truly live...

It just frustrates me sometimes, that I can't control the outcome of certain portions of my life. It's as if we're just suppose to stand back and let our life play out, acting as a spectator not a player. It feels like the refeeres always side with our opponents, the crowd always cheers our failures and quickly forgets our accomplishments. I lost many points during the game, but I also scored a few as well. The questions is, were they enough to make it all worth it?

You can't turn back the hands of time...

Life is a carousel. We just keep spinning around, looking at our reflection in the mirrors, which carry images of not only ourselves, but of our life, of the people we met, we loved, we hated. Deep inside the mirrors we can find the deepest secrets we all thought were locked away. We dance up and down the carousel, until we finally let go...

Music has a way of making me forget about all the hurt, the pain I've come to know all too well and for a moment when I hear that special song, I can be at peace with everything. I realise that what's done is done and that's alright, because another day has gone by and with it sorrows I dwelled upon. But each night, as the moon is rising, I think to myself; I could already be gone, if I went now...

Nothing ever happens anymore. I mean all the things I say, all the things I do, seem so meaningless somehow. I feel like I've already said and done them all before. Like I'm just waiting to be washed away into some alternate state of being, like there's something out there, baiting me to find it. Is there really no going back? What if I found a way? Because I think I did, but I'm never going to tell, because this is one of those things, you take to the grave, which is closer than you think...

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Dreams really do come true,

all the dreams we dare to dream,

I'll watch them bloom

and I'll learn much more than you.

Someday I'll wish upon a star

and I'll see green trees and red roses too

and I'll think; what a wonderful world...

His gift is a curse...

When I wake up tomorrow I'm going to start the first day of the rest of my life. Sometimes new starts have to be forced, sometimes they come naturally and in all honesty I don't really know what this is. It feels like the end of something greater, but in the end I have this chilling feeling that I'll never break free, if I don't push my way out...

A few years back I set myself a goal. I was going to find myself, my purpose in life, my true calling. And for a few moments I did. I was so certain of all the things I accomplished, of who I became. Most of you can atest to that fact, I was on my way and nothing could stop me. I'm not really sure what happened, maybe it's her fault, maybe it's mine, maybe it's yours. I'll probably never know, or at least I'll deny it forever. But what I do know, is that this is me taking control of my life, of my destiny. I'm not afraid to take a stand, well I'm a little afraid, but aren't we suppose to be? Isn't that what makes it fun? Knowing that you might screw up, but also realising that there's a chance you might succede. I did it once, and I swear to you all, I'll do it again...

Did you ever think I would end up here? Do you remember what you used to say to me? Because I sure do and I tell it to myself everyday before I fall asleep. I was always good enough for you, even if you saw me now you would burst from pride. At my worst I was good enough, heck I was perfect. I miss that feeling, it's been so long I can't even recall it anymore. I'll find someone who makes me feel the way you did, until then I'll keep looking through my window, hoping to see what once was and will never be again...

I'm standing up, I'm manning up...

I've had enough, I'm so fed up,

I thought I had it mapped out,

I guess I didn't...

October sky...

Do you ever have the feeling like you're lost in transition? Like you were on your journey, but then suddenly you weren't anymore. You just stopped, you looked around and you were confused. Not because everything was unfamiliar, you're confused, because everything is the same. I realised something today. Sometimes you have to go halfway around the world, to come full circle...

The thing is though, that not everyone wants to be found. Because when you feel like there's no way out, like there's no one out there to save you, you give in. Not because you would want to, but because there's no other choice. The more you know who you are and what you want, the less things upset you. I just don't know who I'm supposed to be, after all this time, I still have no clue. Maybe it's an everlasting search, maybe I'll never find out, maybe I just need to become stronger, wiser, bolder. Maybe, just maybe, it's right around the corner. I dash forward, like countless times before, the only difference is that now, I'm running in pitch black darkness...

Walking away from you, was the hardest thing I ever had to do...

The good shepard...

I'm afraid that I'm going to fail. I'm putting all this energy into the path I feel I need to take. But somehow I feel like I'm never going to make it. It seems weird, but I'm not really used to not being good at something. Maybe they were right, now that I don't have my gift anymore, I'm really not that special. The funny thing is that I have no desire what so ever, to reclaim my past life. I actually quite detest everything associated with it. I just wish I could find something to replace it...

Goodbyes are never easy. They're usually so awkward, especially when one person cares more than the other. I need to get away, but I have nowhere to go. It's sad. All this time I spent trying to fix things and I am exactly where I was, who I was. I know it seems like I'm repeating myself, but it's not me, it's the situations. They're ironically circular, they make no sense, until they suddenly do. I hate where I was, where I am and where life is forcing me to go. So tell me, what do I do?

When a sheep gets lost, it's up to the shepherd to guide it back to where it belongs. The poor sheep can be countless miles away from home, yet his guardian angel will always bring him back. That's how the legend goes, that's the story I was told. Am I the only one naive enough to believe it? Because I do, still, after everything that happened, I believe. I guess that makes me a fool, who bathes in loneliness and walks an all to familiar road...