Down the waterfall...

And I see it in your eyes, 

the emerald reefs of the primordial seas, 

troth with the first stirrings of life 

- infinite in mystery and miracle.

Lying on the edge of a star...

"I just want to be them", he says to himself after watching a movie or reading a book. The boy who's all built up and shattered at the same time. Telling himself that when he wakes up, hope will be restored, and everything will seem possible once more. Meanwhile, he is here. Somewhere in between. Vivid words in his mind, seeing inspiration floating around and wondering. Wondering how on earth could he finally erase you - every single fractionated memory of you. If only he could erase, erase everything, forever, then he could move on. Instead he lays here, with crumbled friendships and lost loves, wondering if they'd even recognise the man he is today. Do they even miss him? Perhaps they do not, because they have become as heartless as he is, as numb to the world as he ever was, and as fragile as he'd never dare to admit. He is not brave anymore. He is broken. They have broken him, and while you can be sure that he will get over it eventually, maybe even really soon, that does not change the fact that as of now - he is lost in the meadows. 

Everyone is faceless...

Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love,

it's a waste of your time.

There are too many mediocre things in life.

Love shouldn't be one of them.

Up to my neck in darkness...

I am quite sure I've been here before. I've written these words, I've mulled over these thoughts, and I have gazed at the very same stars, making the very same wish. I moved miles, yet not a single inch at all. I have failed at love, and love has failed me - so now that I stand at the precipice of another journey for the lonely hearted, I am more scared than I've ever been. I am afraid that I shall be broken once more, and that I shall be forced into things I never wanted in the first place. That is why it has been decided. I will not pursue you, I will not pursue us. I just wouldn't be able to survive if it didn't work out, and knowing myself, knowing how I function, it would surely end in disaster. I need you to realise that this is the hardest decision I had to make in forever. It does not reflect on you, and I have no issue admitting that I've never been as intensely in love, as I am in this very moment. But I simply cannot allow myself to go through it again - I have witnessed defeat too many times to think I could make it work. So I shall remain here. Alone and in silent agony. Waiting to forget you, and the lust I feel for everything you are, and everything you'll one day be.

Right now, there are people all over the world who are just like you, just like us. They're lonely. They're missing somebody, and grieving for those who were taken away from their lives too early. They're in love with someone they probably shouldn't be in love with. They have secrets that would make you gasš when you'd hear them. They wish, dream, hope, and they look out the window whenever they're in a car or on a bus or a train and they watch those who pass by on the streets, and wonder what they've been through, and where they're going. We are never alone, because there are those who are like you, who are like us, and if we'd ever meet, we could tell them anything, and they would understand. Just like that.

Can't help falling in love with you...

These quiet times...

I miss you even though you've never been mine. I miss the way you look at me, and the way I can get lost in your smile. I miss how you used to hold my hand and tell me that everything will be just fine. I miss the faint smell of strawberries when I'd undress you, and the way I could feel your warmth when we got lost in our embrace. I miss the journeys that we shared and the tales we told each other. I am at a loss for words when you even send a glance my way. I think you might be the one, the one this soul has craved and ached for since it was torn asunder. You are the missing pieces. The exception to the rule, and consequently the reason it even exists. And he is the boy who has dreamt that you will be his, that one day you shall lay in his arms and feel as if there is no greater love in the world. We are but a moment away from intertwining, and while it shall certainly be hard either way, the threads of this story need to unravel. It has gone on long enough, and the universe demands a satisfactory end. I think you might be my one true love, the person who'll give me every reason to stay, and make me want to love until the end of time. All that needs to be done is the impossible - to leap without knowing how deep, and to fly without having wings.

You've changed the way you kiss me...

I know that life won't break me...

Psychosis 1.33

It's happening exactly as I predicted, and I can't even pretend I have the power to stop it, to stop myself. I am repeating old patterns, and I guess the only logical conclusion is that I am indeed insane, because I still hope for different results. I can feel myself slipping, I can taste the darkness and while I swore I'd never go back to black, it seems life has other plans. I am in owe how even after all this time, I'm still trapped in this god forsaken cycle of self-sabotage and destruction. I try to place blame on circumstances and all of you who left, but as it turns out, the blame lies with me alone. I am the common denominator, the common thread in all of our stories that ended so abruptly, and accompanied with such inherent sadness. The curse has yet to be lifted, so I am left with what I started with - myself. I need not their praise, nor their compassion. I needn't crave the tiniest portions of their attention, for I have something they have lost long ago. I have my dreams, my aspirations, and my everlasting desire to make a difference - to touch by being touched, to inspire by being inspired and to love endlessly by being loved eternally.

My day of reckoning...

I sit and wait and I wonder,

does an angel contemplate my fate?

So when I'm lying in my bed,

thoughts running through my head,

I finally realise that love is dead.

And through it all you offer me protection,

a lot of love and affection,

whether I'm right or wrong.

And down the waterfall,

wherever it may take me,

I know that life won't break me,

when I call, you won't forsake me,

I'll be loving angels instead.

A loose cannon...

The road ahead is clear. He must do what he has always done. He must defy the laws of nature, overcome the hand he has been dealt, and play the game to win. They will hate him for it, and they will whisper behind his back, yet this is the life he chose long ago, and this is the journey he shall march till the end of time. His drive has been renewed with a greater sense of what is at stake. He is running out of time, and the future has never demanded so loudly to be lived. The choices he makes at this very moment shall echo his entire life, and growing up feels harder than he ever thought possible. The chase has begun and soon he shall be forced to say farewell to the child within - to the innocent façade of all that was once holy, and embrace all that which he ran away from. These moments are golden, they are like tiny pieces of fabric being sown and weaved into the shell that surrounds him. The strands of time wash away, and he is left with the simple notion that if he wants to reach the stars, he'll have to breakway from the friends that bind, and the love that withholds - he will once again have to be alone.

The good lord will take me away...

The more things change,

the more they stay the same.

Walking down a one way street...

I'll be loving angels instead.

I only just realised something yesterday. While this whole process of self discovery and this journey towards my higher self has been utterly gratifying, there have been pieces of my being I wish I never lost. I see a different person in the mirror, and sometimes I shed tears for the boy I once knew. The boy who was an impenetrable fortress of ambition and drive, of dreams and goals. I'm not sure when exactly things started to crumble, but it is impossible to deny that I am now one of those people who crave love, to receive it, and give it in turn. The mighty have fallen for sure, and while I had never imagined I'd be saying all of this, the truth is futile to ignore. My salvation is clearly evident - I must choose to be alone, just to make sure I still can. I have actively sabotaged recent chances and while I may one day regret passing on the opportunities for stable relationships, I'm certain that in the end, I shall be stronger for it. I don't need anyone but myself, that's what she told me, that's what I was raised to believe. And if I will be broken, if I will find that one person who'll shatter every single stone in every single instance of my wall, then that person deserves credit when credit is due. Until then, I shall come here, and share my inherent sadness with all of you, and for the briefest of moments, the world won't be such a lonely place.

He is a lost wanderer - a soul begging for release from the infernal chains that bind it to its cage. For he was born a dreamer in a world that destroys those who dare to reach beyond the superficial, the norm, the life we're forced to lead. His heart has been broken, and it has been restored, and so it continues in an endless spiral of happiness and an unbearable feeling of failure. There is no going back and they will never love him again, and that truth scares him to his core. Those he help rise to the sky, have flown away without thought of helping him when he needed them most. He is left stranded and without the proper means to survive. As it was foretold, he is gasping for air as his surroundings slowly turn into a bog of mist and plasma. He is the broken hearted and the endlessly over-dramatic boy you were all warned about. He is the biggest mistake you will ever make, yet in the same breath, the most beautiful thing you were ever part of. He is both the one that got away, and the one who wishes, he'd never let you leave.

Salvation lets my wings unfold...

I'll always be blessed with love...

When I am grey and old I shall undoubtedly regret many things. I will look upon my life and think of the opportunities I let slip by. I will wonder about how further I should have gone, and how much sooner I would have embarked upon the journey that led me to my final breath if only I'd known the whole truth. I will ponder the possibilities of different circumstances, of loves lost because of words unspoken and rash decisions made out of anger and disappointment. But aside that, I shall also look back at the moments that made my heart burst from excitement. The moments I felt like I could fly, touch the stars, and live on the moon. I shall remember the times our lips touched and the world stopped. I will hold these memories dear and as I stop breathing I will know, I will know without a shadow of a doubt that I have lived a full life. That I have experienced every emotion our fragile existence has to offer, and I will know that my life was worth the ride. Then one day, when I am forgotten, and the world has moved on without any traces of me left, I shall drift in the endless void of the boulevard of souls, and I even though there will be no one to hear it, my laugh will be as loud as a star collapsing on itself, and instead of all of you, I'll be loving angels instead.

Fatal mistakes are so easily made...

Softly now,

you owe it to the world,

and everyone knows you're my favourite boy,

but there are some things in life that aren't meant to be,

I'm not meant for you, and you're not meant for me.

Here's to our problems,

here's to our fights,

here's to our achings,

and here's to you having a good life. 

My moment...

He had always believed in the same fairytale - that he has to be patient and endure in order to get the ending he deserves, the love he dreams of. He was implored to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell apart the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe, just maybe, his happy ending does not include a person. Perhaps ... it's just him, on his own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing himself for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is simply moving on, and knowing that even after all the disappointment, through the blunders and misread signs, through all the pain and embarrassment, he never gave up hope.

You do not get to decide how you will leave this existence, but you can decide how you'll live it. So do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to be? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breath in and out, then decide, because in truth what all of us want to do, is just survive the storm of life. We pray to get to the other side, but we can never really imagine what it will be like once we get there. What if when the storm passes, there's nothing left? He always said he could handle anything, but he was wrong, he couldn't handle this. While he was mistaken about many things it seems, there is one he could not have gotten more right - he was right about you.