Just can't get enough...

You know that place, between sleep and awake? The place where you can still remember you're dreaming? That's where I'll be waiting for you, that's where our love will never die...

Here's a toast - to the good days, the best friends I had, the ones I thought I couldn't live without. Here's to love that was never mine to have. Here's to the people who taught me how to live, who taught me how to be myself. Here's to the people who caught me when I fell. I know the words I spill today will go unheard. I know nothing can bring them back, because somewhere along the way, we decided that the good times we have together, aren't worth the bad times we go through. We came to a crossroad, I've chosen my path, and you've taken the other. Maybe they will cross again one day, but until then, I'm walking away, and trying as hell, not to look back...

I'm afraid. Afraid that I won't ever feel the same way about anyone. Afraid that I have lost that something to believe in. It wasn't suppose to end like this. You were suppose to try harder, I was so sure you'd try harder. I have to stop thinking about it, I don't ever want to feel like this again - like I could sleep for a thousand years. I just want it all to stop spinning. For me, there's no reason left to try, look at where we are, look at where you've pushed us. There's really nothing worse than caring for someone who will never stop disappointing you...

My story is nothing special really - of that I am sure. It has no beginning, I don't know the end. So what you're reading is everything else, everything in between. I'm not saying it's pretty, I'm not saying it's perfect, but it is the truth. For so long I've been terrified of it, terrified of what it would do to me. Yet as the days pass by, I find that the truth is the only thing keeping me alive, keeping me what I'll always remain - stuck together, torn apart...

I'm wrong in all the right ways...

Isn't it absolutely wonderful, how something as simple as a smile from your crush, can make your day so much more beautiful? How something as trivial as twilight can make you remember how life still has meaning, still has magic. How a song can give you hope and how a single moment can give you the strength to accept the things you cannot change. I will never be anything but loud, in the most quiet way possible, and even if I fall, I know I'll get up - She raised me to get up. I'll be damned before I disappoint Her. Who cares what I've done or could have done, what I should have done or what I might have done. The only thing that matters is what I'll do from now on...

The great thing about not knowing where I want to go, is that any road will take me there. I don't need a compas, I don't need a map. All I need is my heart and the courage to listen to it. I've been so caught up in what I need to do that I forgot what I want to do. We complicate life, but really, it's so simple, so straight forward. The secret is in allowing yourself to be happy and in forgiving yourself for not being perfect...

If there's just one piece of advice I can give you, it's this - when there's something you really want, when there's someone you really love, fight for it, fight for them. Don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you think you've lost all faith, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you'll wish you had given it another go, just one more shot. Because remember, the best things in life, never come without a price...

Give my gun away when it's loaded...

I'm trapped. In this mystical place between my future and my past, and I'm not sure which one I want more. I keep telling myself it's only natural - to dream of a summer love from long ago, or nights I spent with friends I used to know. These people, every single one of them, changed me, made me better, but they have long since disappeared. Part of me wants them back. God how I hate to admit it. That's the funny part. Like admitting I miss people or things or times long ago made me weak. I realise now, it doesn't. So I curl up by my window and stare off into the stars, dreaming of my future and the love and friends I have yet to meet, while never forgetting where I came from and who stood by my side...

I've decided to let go of the wheel - let it go completely. Maybe I'll finally end up right where I belong. What scares me most, is the fact that I'm not afraid anymore. Being numb is the worst feeling in the world - I need to let go, there's nothing else to do. Even if I fall, which seems inevitable at this point, it's still better than being here, than holding on to this life, to this lie. All my life I've searched for something, for anything to make me whole. Now after all these years, I've gained the courage to gaze inward, and as a single flash of lightning, ripping through the sky, the truth dawned upon me - I was never really broken...

I believe we write our own stories, we pave our own road. And as I try to pick up the pen of my life, I shiver. Nothing was ever so clear, than the realisation that I don't know what to write, that I don't know how I want my story to unfold. It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up, when you know, it's everything you ever wanted...

Another lie that I carry on...

What hurts more than losing you,

is knowing you're not fighting to keep me...

The right time for somebody new...

Everything I was afraid of happening, happened now.

So let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday,

I know my kingdom awaits, and they've forgiven my mistakes.

I'm back where I belong, I never felt so strong...

But I'm not finished growing,

another night, the inevitable prolongs,

another day, another dawn...

She's pulling me through...

I keep thinking what it must be like to start again, to forget the world you knew before and leave the past to be washed away. What scares me, is how easy I feel it would be, how easy I would be able to move forward. Though I know leaving something behind wouldn't erase it from memory forever. If something touched you that deeply, it never goes away without one hell of a fight.

I'm just a boy who doesn't know what's in front of him. Just a boy who never learned how to let go. I've done a lot of things I wish I could take back, but there are some I wish I could replay a million times. As tragic as it seems, I feel like everyone has regrets and moments they wish would never end. For me that's empty fields - the way the trees look dead, they remind me there's so much more to life than living. It gives me wisdom and patience and solace, and above all, the assurance that I'm not alone in this world.

I don't know what's worse. To have no idea who you are, and be happy, or to become who you've always wanted to be, and feel alone. You can sense when someone close to your heart starts slipping away, little by little. I kept telling myself it was all in my head, yet everything I did to bring things back to what they were, just caused more pain. I thought saying goodbye to a friend you love was the hardest thing one can do. Now I know it's a lot harder to say goodbye to a friend that never really loved you. It makes everything you went through seem like a lie. And I wonder, will I ever be the same?

I'm coming home. I'm coming home. Tell the world I'm coming home...

Leave me out in the waste...

It's time to start living again. I admit, I took a little time for myself. I just needed to clear my soul before I start another year. I needed to cleanse my heart by writing out every single emotion. So that now, I can be ready, I can continue being the person I know I can be. It was just so hard to start again, it still is. I'd never admit it in person, but it takes a lot more effort than you imagine. Especially for me. I thought I'd be better prepared this time around. But as I found out, I'm still the same frightened boy I was 4 years ago. Just looking around, trying to find a sense of purpose and someone to share it with...

As my mind wanders to the people I lost, the people who left, I can't help but feel like there was something more I could have done, something more I could have said. Every time I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would. Maybe this is the only way we can finally stand on our own. You know, to hurt each other so much that we have no choice but to let go, maybe otherwise we never would. I fought so hard for you, you just never realised it...

We don't have to hate each other for getting older, we just have to forgive ourselves for growing up. There's so much to look forward to - other days, new days, days to come, each and everyone filled with a distinct possibility to make our dreams come true. It's sad that I'm still the guy who believes in miracles, in a happy ever-after. They say there's a time when a man needs to fight and a time when he needs to accept that his destiny is lost and only a fool would continue. The truth is, I've always been a fool...

It's the wrong kind of place...

Here I am, once again. I never thought I would still be doing this. Not because I wouldn't have time or interest, but I thought that by now I'd have everything sorted out and there'd be no need for this anymore. Yet as it always seems to, the year ended with a bang. A lot has happened, but nothing really changed. My last years resolution was to reach the stars, and for a moment I did just that. I barely remember how great it felt, yet empty at the same time. This year, I'm more concrete with my wishes, more determined in my goals, stronger in my resolve. I travel as I always have, alone with nothing holding me back, with a smile on my face and strength in my eyes. But the most important thing I learned during the course of last year was that you can't get ahead while you're getting even...

Trust is a tricky thing, sometimes you have to give it up, sometimes you have to let it get broken, but there's never a good reason why you shouldn't use it again. When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Don't try to talk another person into staying with you, into loving you, into calling you, into caring for you, or staying attached to you. When people can walk away, let them walk. Our destiny is never tied to anybody who left...

It finally dawned upon me; it doesn't matter where I take this road. In the end, there is only one destination. I'm not really sure where that is, but I'm certain that sooner or later we all end up at the same place. I can't wait to see some of you there, because a lot of you are the reason I persist on writing this thing that is not a blog. There is one though, I wish would take more notice, there's always been just her. I crave approval I know I'll never get. So I remain stuck in transition, bound by the walls of my mind, trying to find meaning for the meaningless. Is that alright with you?