Just let me be broken...

It's a state of mind...

Have you ever felt your destiny unfolding in front of your eyes? Have you experienced the intensity of the hunt, the fixation of attention that only fate can explain? Have you ever told yourself your feelings were excessive, but known that something huge and pivotally important was carrying you along like a riptide? I can fight that current all I want; but I know it will still have its way with me. Or I can try swimming along with it, and grow amazed by my own power, until I pause and realize that I'm not moving but being moved. I'm not in control, not at all, and that's what makes the feeling so exquisitely exciting.

Lay it on the table...

Sometimes getting to the other side seems impossible. I know there's a way. I can actually see the steps in my mind, but it all seems out of reach. I must pause. Relax. Let me muscles rest. I have to remind myself to do what I can in the moment I'm in. 

He doesn't like it when characters fade from his story. So apologies in advance, for having to bear with subplots within subplots. Plan within plan. His life just somehow turned out that way. By chance or willpower? He can never truly decide. He leaves people and places and times behind. And then he encounters new ones. Sometimes he can't see the patterns or connections, but they are there, between one breath and the next. In the ebb and flow of tides. In the rhythm of the dance.

I think I'm seeing things...

More than anything, I think I want to walk through life, gently. And I want to treat this journey with reverence and as much as possible, I want to walk in peace. I want to walk lightly, even joyfully, through whatever days I am given. I want to laugh easily. I want to step carefully in and out of people's lives. I don't want to tread any heavier than necessary. And throughout life, I think I would like to walk with more humility and less anger, more love and less fear. I want to walk confidently, but without arrogance. I want to walk in deep appreciation. I want to be genuinely thankful for life's extravagant, yet simple, gifts. If life is a journey, then how I make that journey is important. How I walk through life matters. 

Fill up my lungs...

Can't decide if I should let go...

It's in my blood, 

you got me drifting.

Fill up my lungs, 

a new beginning.

Feel so alive inside your echo.

I lose my mind,

you got me falling so deep,

we stop the time,

now you're all I see.

Inside your echo...

Sometimes it's not what you do differently it's what you do consistently. In recent weeks I approached solving my life's problems from many different angles. I used to try to make everything perfect, wanting everything in its place, life proper and justified. That was my desire. It did not happen though, yet that desire did not die. Ironically, as I fell into deeper adversity, it grew. And in some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice. I felt the meaning for my self imposed suffering was the honorable character I would later possess; it had to be.

Don't have it all, but I sure have it made...

Come on and change my mind...

Maybe. Who knows. It still might happen, right? But I'll tell you something: I think he's a magician. The way he spins reality around himself, and transforms it into something beautiful. He is strong because he feels pain. He feels the difference between what the world is and what he would make of it. Or what did you think that stuff in your chest was? He is strong because he hurts more than others. His wound is his strength.

Most people carry that pain around inside them their whole lives, until they kill the pain by other means, or until it kills them. But maybe I can find another way. A way to use the pain. To burn it as fuel, for light and warmth. To allow my imagination to open doors that don't actually exist. To phantom an existence based on good, and fair and justice. To surround myself with people that fan my flames, not dim them. To learn how to break the world that so adamantly tries to break me.

If I go, I'm going...

Healing was the spark in a wildfire...

I don't want your garden,

I don't like the cold, 

we don't see it coming,

but we know how this goes.

Maybe it's just something,

something that you say.

Everything means nothing,

until it goes away.

This is what I hear in my head...

It felt like I was stopped dead in my tracks. That I had fallen, or maybe even tripped, and maybe even kicked while I was down. I cannot say for certain, all I know is that I was unable to get back up. Stuck in a rut and wading in the muck. Paralysis set in. I was in deep inertia, disempowering and disabling. I wondered what was it going to take for me to restart my engines and get moving again? What exactly needs to happen? And what do I do while I'm at the mercy of the universe? I guess I'll wait. It's the only thing I'm really good at.