It's time to pick a side...

The glue that holds me together...

Did you ever wonder why we don't just collapse under the pressures of life and why we always seem to find a way to move on, even though we feel like we have nothing left to live for? Why am I still here? Why do I keep going? The universe has sent me so many signs that it is never going to happen, yet I still allow thoughts of what could be to surface within my fragile mind. To this very day I have the same dream when I go to sleep, over and over again, forever haunted by the sheer possibility that it might come true...

I am weak. I don't have the power to let it go. I tried, I really did, but when something is so profoundly secluded behind the four walls of my very existence, I simply can't pull out a magic wand and make it go away. It will probably always be there. Reminding me of what could have been, if only I hadn't been so careless...

The war has been long. Sadly there have been very few victories. Actually there haven't been any so far. But I won't stand before you defeated. I'll be damned before I let her win. I know what you're thinking. How can poor little Karr stand a chance? Well here's the thing. She may have a bigger army and countless resources, but I have something she'll never have; passion that drives me forward to pursue my dreams...

Something I never told anyone...

I'm awesome...

The awakening...

Polna ponosa si končno to noč priznaj,

z belo zastavo v rokah se predaj

in ne vračaj se več nazaj...

Oba skrivaj upava,

oba skrivaj sanjava...

All hail the king and queen...

I never had a lot of friends. Probably because I say way too many inappropriate things and I have this twisted sense of humor. People usually don't want to spend their time getting to know me and my world. I don't really blame them, because all the drama I bring to the table is surely hard to bear...

Yet somehow I found myself slowly connecting with a few individuals. I let my guard down without even realising it and things just started to unfold from there. I would have never expected to find people who were so like me, but at the same time so very different that I'm always guessing what's next. Amid all our issues we miraculously stumbled upon each other, forming bonds none of us thought we ever could...

So this is for them, for her and him, who made me a better person, who helped me get through all sorts of scandalous things, who never gave up on me, even though I sometimes pushed them away as hard as I could...

Now the only question that remains is: how long will it last? I know it's a strange thing to ask but I just can't shed my skin. Memories of betrayal and humiliation keep creeping into my mind. The ghosts of my past aren't allowing me to forget the moments that changed everything. They keep resurfacing as a never ending stream of emotions that bring forth pain and agony. But that's why I have my dear queen and king, who are there to help me shoo the ghosts away...

It's the season to be jolly...

Sometimes people will surprise you. It can be in the form of an unexpected gesture or a token of good will. But more often than none, the surprises in our lives come from people that we never would have guessed could let us down. The people we believed in so much, who we looked up to and idealised. With one single act, the illusion was destroyed. Nothing will ever be the same and all she did was say two words. Two words that ruined everything...

I'm probably being overdramatic as usual. But I'm far to stubborn to admit it. Is it so wrong to want things to be a certain way? Am I really being that unreasonable? Maybe my bar is set way too high, but I like it that way. Because if I still manage to get myself in situations like this, then it obviously isn't high enough...

She said that I set it up so far in the sky, because I want others to fail reaching it, so I can reaffirm my already made up opinion of their incompetence. Maybe she's right. Maybe I do set impossible standards. But here's the thing. It's not all about living up to them, the sheer will to never give up trying, is enough for me...

Harder, better, faster, stronger...

The devil wears black...

Did you ever decide to do something that you knew would almost definitely end very badly? Well I usually don't, but for some reason, this time, I just can't help myself. It will probably be very humiliating. People will probably say all sorts of things, they'll maybe even go so far as to shun me entirely. But you know what? I don't care. I allowed the same fools to bully me out of my life a few years ago and I'll be damned if I let them do the same thing again...

Who are they to tell me what I can or cannot do? Let them scream, let them give me looks, let them throw a few punches. At the end of it all, I'm better than them and they know it just as much as I do...

I wonder if they changed enough, if I changed enough. Maybe we'll find that happy middle that eluded us all. Or maybe we're destined to fight, to wage war against each other. Either way, I'm going fully armed, ready to take down anyone that might oppose me. With ammunition in one hand and hope in the other, I'm ready to take things up a notch...

It's nice to be nice...

I've decided something. From now on, I'm going to be nice. I'll let things slide, I'll forgive. Because life is series of choices. A big combination of moments, little ones that add up to big ones, which create who you are as a person. And I've just realised that I might not have made the best choices, but that doesn't mean I can't get back on track...

People ask me, what's your secret? Well I'm ready to tell you. My secret is, that I'm not afraid to shake things up. I'm tired of hearing people complain how their life is meaningless, how it doesn't live up to the image in their head. Shake it up people! Get out of your box. Even if that box is where you've lived for your whole life. It's not easy to break out of your comfort zone, people will tear you down, tell you shouldn't have bothered in the first place...

The secret though, is that there's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abusive things at you. Convince yourself that they are cheering for you, that they're supporting you, and if you try hard enough, if you don't give up, then some day, they will...

The Karr bitch project...

She was supposed to be the light amid all the darkness, a beacon of hope for the future. But of course the universe twisted the situation in a way that made her just like everyone else. I didn't deserve a break, or so it seems, even though I really need one...

I don't think I've ever been so wrong about a person before. The way she spoke to me, all of them would truly be proud of her. It's as if they trained her to say exactly the things that hurt the most. The funny part is that when I break it off, I'll be the bad guy. People won't be able to see through her image of innocence, the same way I wasn't able to in the beginning. How could I have misjudged her so much? She was supposed to be the one, the one who could have saved me, yet alas it seems, that she is going to be the one that will drown me...

The pain that is unbearable is the pain you don't see coming. And I couldn't have predicted this one in a million years. I just took an enormous leap backwords, one I wasn't willing to take. I won't go down without a fight, of that I swear. I won't give them the satisfaction, of knowing they won. She won't get away with what she did, I won't let her. Even if it means becoming the person, I vowed, I would never become again...

I feel like someone is watching me...

Another day begins,

the stars are falling down,

my dreams are fading now.

Your love is a symphony,

all around me, running through me...

The puppy episode...

Just for me the church bells rang...

It happened, I'm not really sure where, I'm not even sure when, all I do know, is that everything around me had this strange scent of strawberries. I was alone. At least I think I was. I'm not really sure about most things. I'm usually wrong, so it's quite possible that I'm wrong now as well. I was waiting for someone - my saviour. She was always late, but I guess that's what makes it fun...

Every time she comes, I'm happy, even if, for just a moment. What I don't understand though, is why does she choose to torment me so. Why does she feel I have to endure every possible kind of pain that exists? Grief, humiliation, shame, torture, betrayal...

They say, she is supposed to work in mysterious ways. But the truth is, all she's doing is having her way with all of us. Spinning us around her all mighty finger, making us abide by her every wish, making us do all sorts of inappropriate things, just so she can have her fun. I hate her. I really do. I've lost many battles, but I never lost sight of the war. And as it turns out, the drums of war, thunder once again...

Give peace a chance...

Did you ever wonder how big of an impact your death would have on the world? Would anyone notice if you were suddenly gone, if you disappeared? Would people cry and hail out your name? Would they feel lost without you? Or would everyone forget, sooner than they were told? Would people cheer your departure from this world? Would anyone care if you just stopped existing...

I'm all cooped up in my bed, still under the effects of certain substances that shall remain unnamed and all I can think about, is her. How big of an impact she had on everyone. How people to this very day, applaud her generosity, her kindness, her bravery. Yet it was me, who got to benefit the most from everything that she stood for. They respect me just because I am her flesh and blood. If only they knew the truth...

Will anyone miss you when you're gone? Will people feel a void in their life when you turn into ash? Are you afraid that you'll simply fade away, that no one will remember who you were or what you did? Well, I'm not. Not anymore. She showed me the way. The way to freedom. The way to immortality. I just hope that I don't make the same mistakes again and get lost within the hellhold I barely escaped from...

Our life is like a song...

Another day is behind me. It feels like the entire sky is falling down, that all my dreams are fading out. I've been keeping my eyes wide open. Looking for something, anything, that can make me whole again. But it seems like every dawn is fire bright, even compared with the city lights...

I keep thinking back, to all the things that went wrong, to all the things I let slip through my fingers. Though here's the thing, when it comes to things like love and happiness, we shouldn't be selfish, even if it seems logical to be, because we need to be wise enough to admit that sometimes who we are, isn't enough for the person that we care about so much. Just because they might be the right person for us, that doesn't necessarily mean that we're the right person for them...

So all that is left for us to do, is to give in. To raise that white flag and hope for mercy. At least when you do, you can feel like you did the adult thing, even if it does feel like crap. Because if you truly love someone, you must have the courage, the strength, to let them go...

The reason that this guy is blue...

We all have our crosses to bear. Some are larger than others, but all of us think that the burden we have to carry is so much more important than that of others. It's our nature I guess. To feel like we're the ones who have it worst, while the truth is that most of us have no idea what it must be like for someone, who life truly decides to test...

What's the point in wishing for something that will never come true? I'll never change into the person I dream about every single day. I'll always be that fool talking about god knows what. The same guy who writes this thing that is not a blog. And if that's not what you want, if that's not something you can handle, then you have to be the one to walk away, because to tell you the truth I am never going to have the will, to walk away myself...

I thought I would be doing this great thing. But now it's all over, before it even really started. So what are we supposed to do? After all we've been through it now seems that everything that felt so right, is wrong...