Going crazy until we see the sun...

I was always told that opposites attract, but I think that people like us, people who'd rather stay at home, endlessly listening to the same song, and reading stories we'll never get to live, fall in love with others like us. In a way, we fall in love with ourselves. We need more, because we can see the deeper parts of people, we long for their souls, their garden of thought, for feeling their backbone, their spine, inhaling the words they breathe. I think we fall for people like us, people with inspiring words, dreams, and glances at strangers. We function differently, because we strive off of beauty, and our entire existence consists of finding that special one thing in someone who isn't just different, but one who thinks, and feels, and wonders as remarkably as we sometimes do. We don't need opposites, or a magnetic force which pulls together, because we're already there.

And so all at once, summer collapsed into fall, and he was left underneath the rubble. This is not a story about strength or about survival or about how he clawed himself back to the surface. This is merely a story about a boy who never let go and is still stuck in the time when he called it love. A story about a boy who never grew up, and to this day, to this second, still dreams of a future most would deem out of reach. A story about a boy who smiles like yesterday does not matter, and laughs as if tomorrow shall be everything today is not. A story about a boy who still believes that happy ever after does indeed exist.

A world so far removed...

I fall in love regularly  with each person whom passes me in the street or who sits beside me on the bus. Not in a romantic way, you see we hardly ever speak a word to one another. But I quietly observe who they are, and I imagine what their story might be. I watch vigilantly - tracking their manners and movements, and appreciating all that these people are, and all they might perhaps one day become. I spend time thinking about the life they lead, what they do for work and what they went to school for. So I sit there and watch, as only a fool could, noting the similarities, studying the differences, and creating a fantasy where our paths could perhaps one day collide. When our eyes meet, I wonder if they are thinking the exact same thing, and then for the most fleeting of moments, the world seems like such a beautiful place.

Break me down with one pretty song...

I hear the birds in the summer breeze,

I'm alone in the night,

and I've been trying not to get into trouble,

but I've got a war in my mind. 

I'm tired of feeling fucking crazy,

I'm tired of driving untill I see the stars in my eyes,

to much to strive for, so I just ride.

The past and the chase...

Back to basics.

Never be afraid again...

He tries to think of ways to escape from the things he's frightened of. He looks for shelter and tries to run as fast as he possibly can. They're still behind him though, chasing him, tireless and determined to finish what they started. As he suffers wound after bruise, and as blood drips from his limbs, he cannot help but wonder if there's something else he can still do. Something to end the pain once and for all. Something to banish the ghosts that haunt, and disintegrate the past that binds. Then, just as he gains momentum, he does the unthinkable - he stops, turns around and smiles. The rain starts to pour, the beasts lurk closer still. In mere moments the nightmare shall swallow him whole and envelop every fiber of his being. Against all odds, against all reason, he will face the unfaceable. What will remain of him, shall live on, greater than what was, and stronger than what is now. If not a fraction of him is left, than this was a battle he was always meant to lose. 

I'll be coming back for you one day...

Life is full of unanswered questions and unsaid goodbyes.

Days go by and I am left wanting and longing for the life and people I left behind. Somehow I feel as if what I've been looking for is further away than ever, and the dreams I dream are becoming meer fleeting images of a boy who forgot to grow up. 

There's a demon, a minor demon, sitting beside me, fucking with my head. Laughing at me, mocking me. For my defeat has never hurt as much. Even though I have changed inside and out, they still treat me as the boy I was, the boy I so desperately wanted to run away from. Perhaps there are some things we cannot shed, and some parts of our soul we can never destroy. Maybe this is just how it all goes down.

We're going to make it you and I, right? 

All we need to do, is save the world tonight.

We're long gone...

It's strange when the people we used to love, become just people we know, and how people we knew, become faint memories of a time when the future felt ever so distant. Sometimes there is an ache in their absence. A gnawing void of where their hands used to be, which they used to unravel me, hollow me out, swallow me whole and watch me come apart at my seams. Then they took every piece of me, and rebuilt me, shaped me anew and even something as subtle as their breathing altered me forever. If someone told me back then that one day all of them would be gone, I would have laughed at their carelessness, yet now it seems, I am the one who didn't know anything at all. If nothing else, I've learned, I've grown and now I can finally accept that even though some people might never be in my life again, I can learn to lean on others and allow others to lean on me. And when the time comes, when we shall meet again, it will be as if no time had passed at all, and our paths never took different turns. Who would have ever thought that always truly meant forever.

I've been thinking about forever...

Me and my head high...

Back to what I knew so far removed,

and so now a tread a troubled track.

We didn't even say goodbye with words,

I died a hundred times,

then you go back to him,

and I go back to black.

It's ok not to be ok...

As much as I've tried to convince myself that I finally got my heart's desires, I think it's now clear that all I did, was claw my way back to a fresh start, and the thing with new beginnings is just that - they're new. I haven't really accomplished anything, all I did was press "restart" on my life. All I have gained is an ironically uncertain future, which as always, takes its precious time to unfold. It seems that seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing, and sometimes it's hard to follow your heart, when you realise you might never make it.

He walks down the rocky road to the shore and lays down on the scorched sand. He inhales a deep breath and is instantly mesmerized by the smell of the ocean. It was as if he never left, as if he never broke down, as if he never gave up. Almost everything felt the same, looked the same, it even sounded the same, yet something was different, something significant. Perhaps the way the seagulls stood on the pier or the way the wind played with the leaves on the palm trees. He did not care to find out, because nothing could change the fact, that once again, even after everything, even after all that work, he is once again lost in the meadows.

Seasons came and changed the time...

There are no simple answers, especially for questions it took a decade to even ask. As life reverts to old patterns, I am reminded just how far I've come from the boy that once was, and how close I still am to the boy who shall forever remain. It's unfortunate how quickly we forgot about each other, yet I somehow always knew in the back of my mind, in the deepest clutches of my heart that we were meant to come into each other's lives, and then disappear forever. That way the story we created would stay intacted, frozen in time. Even though such circumstances are near perfect, I still feel sad sometimes, for I wonder if we truly found love because it was meant to be, or if it was too good of a tale to let slip by, and we fell into one another's arms more out of convinience than actual desire. I wonder that a lot and I guess I'll never really know, and I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to be. If nothing else, it brought me joy when it happened, and it shall always conjure a smile on my face when I remember.

A garden that's bursting into life...

Do you think we'll ever get to live the life we always thought we would? The life which seems so within reach, yet somehow miles away? The life she envisioned for me when I was a mere child? The very possibility of it, to this day, makes my body shiver with excitement, with ecstasy. What if it comes true? What if destiny guides me down a path towards the dream I dream? What if life unfolds in ways I cannot even phantom and suddenly I find myself exactly where I always wanted to be? Needed to be? It's as if all these questions are part of this profound realisation that I am more in limbo than I've ever been, and that I'm happier than I ever thought I could be, despite, or perhaps because of every single mistake I made during the course of my remarkably convincing portrayal of a boy reaching for his wildest dreams.

If you give my words another listen, you will hear that my voice is just a disguise, and that if you close your eyes, you shall see me by your side. We can laugh at those who laugh at us, because we know that none of them have ever felt this way. Every single song takes our breath away, for words cannot conjure where we are, and how far we still might go.

So much left to say...

I'll be all you need and more...

You had my heart, and we'll never be worlds apart,

because even in the dark, you can see the shiny stars,

and when you need me there, with you I'll always share.

When the sun shines, we'll shine together,

even when it's raining more than ever,

we're part of this entity, here for infinity.

When the sun shines, we'll shine together...

I should be writing more, I know, but somehow I find myself searching for words. I can't seem to put the last six months onto paper, even though I've been trying day and night. Maybe there are some stories that are meant to stay with us, always lying dormant within our souls, surfacing when we allow them, reminding us of the journey walked and the path overcome. The people I met changed my life, and I'd like to imagine that I changed their's as well. We found each other in this crazy world, all searching for answers to questions we were always afraid to ask, yet among us, nothing was forbidden, and we were all allowed to experiment with who we are, and who we wanted to become. It was there, with their help, that I found a new me, a greater me. Few can even notice the differences, the changes on my edges, but the important thing is that I can see them, feel them, live them. For there is no greater victory than the one over yourself.

He jumped into the ocean, knowing it will accept him like always before. He swam as far as he could, and he almost touched the sun as it was sinking into the sea. It was perhaps the first time he felt completely at ease, with no thought of what was, and what shall once be. He drew breath only for today, for this moment, for himself. He saw his reflection in the watery mirror, and he smiled, because at long last, he was content with the person looking back at him. Even though there are still higher mountains to climb, he is happy with where he stands now. He sleeps in the ocean, wondering how long life will allow him to stay there. But even if the rain falls, he'll be all he needs and more.

After all this time...

I feel the wind of change.

It's been a long time coming, and tomorrow I embark upon the path, which shall take me back to where it all started. Where I decided that the life I was leading was not the story I wanted for myself. It was there that I admitted who I was, and who I wanted to be. There on that beach, I made a promise to myself, an eternal pact that I will never back down, that I would never stop dreaming. Then I flew away, and now I find myself wanting to sit besides the ocean and once again gaze inward, examining who I've become, and what I still need to accomplish. She shall sit near me, and offer me wisdom, comfort and the sheer confirmation that I am not alone in this world. I've really missed her, and there's so much we have to discuss away from prying eyes and nosy ears. The hour of my resurrection is upon us, and there's just enough time for one last getaway. For tonight truly is the last sunset of the life which was, and the birth of one I can't wait to start living.