I'm standing at the gate...

Včasih moraš iti korak nazaj,

da greš lahko dva naprej.

Vedno. 

Dokler nekoč ne več. 

Nikoli več.

Here comes judgement day...

There are certain kinds of bonds that never whiter. Through the course of time and its tragic burdens they take on different incarnations - from lovers to friends, from flames to dust, yet whatever manifestation they might appear in, one thing is certain - they ignore the laws of physics. They bend time and space and allow those caught in its web to remain interwoven on a level surpassing mundane understanding. Your love was one of those rare instances, taking shape as quickly as it combusted from its gnawing magnitude. When your lips touched once more, no words needed to be spoken, to realise what had in fact just transpired. When you love someone as much as you did each other, you can lose yourselves in one another not to rekindle what was lost or to salvage what remains, but to mend what was broken. To heal and move on together. To move on as one.

My back against the wall...

Say you'll see me again...

Ko je čakanje še vedno edini čas, ki ga poznaš.

I feel stuck. To the outside world it may seem as if my life is a constant rush from one goal to another, yet as I examine my journey more closely, it is clearly evident that most of my time is spent waiting for circumstances to unfold. It's funny that this has in fact always been my reality. Maybe I'm doing something wrong - letting people and life treat me as dispensable, something that is easily replaced and certainly never missed. I have yet to master how to be any sort of influence in the lives of others. I glide by as a spectator, never forming bonds that would need a sledgehammer to unhinge. I am that boy who's carelessly forgotten. Who's a memory in pictures that get lost in the unforgiving passing of time and the weightless feeling of letting go ... of letting go of me.

He's sewing seeds, he's burning trees...

And he'd shout down the line,

tell you he's got no more time.

Then he'd laugh the night time into day,

pushing his fear further long.

And then he'd scream in your face,

tell you to leave, leave this place.

You can see it in his eyes

that no one is his chain,

because he's his own boy, his superboy.

Nothing can go wrong...

Something to believe in...

There is truly no rest for the wicked, and if I am to retain my dreams, I have to clench my hands and hold on to them for dear life, because as each day passes by and I grow older still, life seems determined to yank them out of my grasp. Circumstances unfold and I am left with the realisation that I need to force myself to believe, because otherwise the mundane might wash over me. I've learned to enjoy the grind, and find meaning and knowledge where others might find only regret. My time will come, and when it does it shall be as glorious as ever, for I will have earned it - I will have earned it with sweat and soars, and scars and blood. I will have earned it.

To each there comes in their lifetime a special moment when they are figuratively tapped on the shoulder and offered the chance to do a very special thing, unique to them and fitted to their talents. What a tragedy if that moment finds them unprepared or unqualified for that which could have been their finest hour. Because the second you decide that what you know is more important than what you have been taught to believe, you will have shifted gears in your quest for abundance. Success comes from within, not from without. And sure it gets rough sometimes, but life isn't a fairytale. Shit happens. You fight, you scream, and somehow you work like hell to get out the other side still intact.

And superboys don't cry...

Superboys just fly.

Hear my thoughts in every note...

These are the worst of times and the best of times. The moments that probably won't embed themselves in his lasting memory, yet will surely shape him the most. The same old feeling in his heart reminds him that he has always been by himself, and that he has grown so accustomed to it, that he can't imagine living without it. Being alone, acting a fool - probably looking crazy to the world around him, talking to himself, making himself laugh, cheering himself on, and dreaming of a life, where he can touch the sun, and fly above the stars. He has come so far that he isn't even sad about it anymore, not even a little. In fact, he enjoys it. It's the best part of him. And perhaps somewhere in the distant future, he will meet someone who will understand. Who won't try to take his loneliness away, but will feed into it, make it stronger, and by doing so, make him feel less alone. 

Words are empty air...

Do you ever wonder how much you exist in other people's lives? I've always wondered if there's anyone out there who hears a song or they pass a certain part of the city and they think of me. I imagine there aren't that many if any at all. I guess we'd all like to believe that we've made some sort of impact, that we left imprints and that our stories are written through time and space, unified in shared experiences. I wonder how many memories I've been a part of that I've forgotten. I wonder if I'm still present in the minds of people that don't talk to me anymore, that I've somehow pushed away. I wonder how many times a day I pass through someone's mind - if they are happy thoughts or ones of pain and regret. I wonder these things a lot, especially when it seems that my incurable disease, my inherent loneliness, is all I'll ever have.

Time after time...

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air -

but i know I can count on me.

Sometimes I feel like saying: "Lord, I just don't care."

But I've got the love I need to see me through.

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough,

and things go wrong no matter what I do.

Now and then it seems that life is just too much,

but I've got the love I need to see me through.

Lord I just don't care...

Yesterday, as I looked around at where I was, and as the glare of the night lights hit across my face, it was so clearly evident that I was not meant for this world. I wasn't built to thrive in its surroundings, to find meaning in its inhabitants or form connections worthy of this ridiculously funny journey we call life. And in that very instant, like a giant boulder rolled off my shoulders, I was completely fine with that. I'll have other things that will make my path glorious and wonderful, not everyone gets to have everything, and I think the secret to being happy, is knowing when to stop forcing something that just isn't for you. While I was a little sad as I walked home with the sunrise by my side, I quickly reminded myself that despite everything, the sheer act of one step in front of the other, is quite enough for me.

There was a tingle in his eyes, and it made him seem more alive than he thought possible. Life was designed to test him, to make him understand why he has the things he has, and why he doesn't others. Nothing can be perfect, and acknowledging that has made him so much more calm. Things will work out, and even if they don't, he will somehow manage to move on still, because that is what one is supposed to do, that is the only option one has left. We walk forward and then we die. Those lucky enough use most of their steps for something good, something better than yesterday. He must not forget that it's okay to get lost, to wander and to stumble and fall. Get up. Smile like nothing happened. And march on. March on harder than ever before.

I've got the love to see me through...

Emptied out by a single word...

I am not exactly proud of how quickly I was able to break beneath the weight of my social anxieties and fears. I guess now I have a better understanding of why some of the people in my life do the things they do, and cling to truths that should have been laid to rest long ago. There is no right way to love or to be loved. We accepted what we think is what we deserve, and what we believe can never be reached again. It seems a miserable way to lead one's life - forever clutching something that squeezes your heart and soul to near extinction. And all for what? Being able to say that we're not alone? That we are beings worthy of time and sacrifice? That above all else, we have succeeded in our quest for immortality? Not in the work we leave behind, but in the souls we touch, and those that touch us in turn. Craving for a connection has never felt more forced, but I guess sometimes I can be my own worst enemy, and all I can do, is simply try to ride the wave as it comes - as it comes crashing down.

Brave new world...

Putting my faith into something unknown...

Can't be sleeping,

keep on waking,

without someone next to me.

Guilt is burning,

inside I'm hurting,

this ain't a feeling I can keep.

Can't you see it?

I was manipulated,

I had to let you through the door,

I had no choice in this,

I was a friend you missed,

you needed me to talk.

So blame it on the night,

don't blame it on me.