Talk it out, babble on...

Once again, onward, towards my destiny. 

Whatever it may be. 

In the past months I have not been my best. I've allowed myself to become over-confident in my ability to control the universe, and as such, I was quickly put back into my place. Yet this put down felt somehow more personal than those in the past. As if I was being mocked for my endeavours. I think I have learned my lesson, though, albeit anew. I am letting go, because I don't know best, and I'm not omnipotent. I'm just a boy. Still. At the mercy of my circumstance. So eager to push beyond that I have forgotten what it means to be humble. To have grace and understanding. I have been lost. Hopefully soon I shall be found.

I lost myself under the lights...

When I was young, I prayed for lightning

my mother said it would come and find me.

I found myself without a prayer,

I lost my love and no one cared.

Yeah, I looked with my face up to the sky,

but I saw nothing there, 

I stared while my eyes filled up with tears,

I heard one sing from above,

then the signal split in two,

the sound created stars like me and you.

Before there was love, there was silence,

I heard one sing

and it healed my heart.

Let it wash away my sins...

Rain on me tsunami.

We often forget that we are as we are until we're not. We are the same until we're changed. We can move that a bit further by putting into place healthy habits and to show up to our lives in a way that fosters growth, but we can't game timing. Timing is the one thing that we often forget to surrender to. Things are dark until they're not. Most of our unhappiness stems from the belief that our lives should be different than they are. We believe we have control - and our self-loathing and self-hatred comes from this idea that we should be able to change our circumstances, that we should be richer or hotter or better or happier. While self-responsibility is empowering, it can often lead to this resentment and bitterness that none of us need to be holding within us. We have to put in our best efforts and then give ourselves permission to let whatever happens to happen - and to not feel so directly and vulnerably tied to outcomes. Opportunities often don't show up in the way we think they will. We just have to be ready when they do.

You showed me nothing at all...

It's coming down on me, water like misery...

A fight like this was stunning, revealing not just how much he was on the lookout for enemies, but how he was unable to abandon arguments which escalated into rage. He had not yet learned to back off, and held bitterly to principles. As the air seemed to grow thick with loathing. All over a matter that could never be resolved. They went to bed speechless, parted speechless the next morning, and during the day were overtaken by fear - that one would never come home, and that the other would not be there. Their luck held, however. They came together in the late afternoon pale with contrition, shaking with love, like people who had narrowly escaped an earthquake and had been walking around in naked desolation.

I could be the one...

Could stay here for a lifetime...

He is aware that true beginnings don't exist. The world is made of flowing energy, which is neither created or destroyed. Everything he is was here before him. Everything he was will remain. His existence touches both his past and his future at one point - infinity. Lifelines aren't lines at all. They are more like circles. It's safe to start anywhere and the story will curve its way back to the starting point. Eventually. In other words, it doesn't matter where he begins. It doesn't change the end.

... that is because the power of the universe always works in circles, and everything tries to be round. The sky ... and I have heard the earth is curved as well, and so are all the stars. The wind in its greatest power whirls, birds make their nests looped, for theirs is the same line of thought as ours. The sun comes forth and goes down again in an eclipse. The moon does the same and both are oval. Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. And so from birth to death we explore and seek, and in the end we arrive where we started, the past having made one great slow turn on a carousel to become our future, and if we have learned anything worth learning, the carousel will bring us to the one place we most need to be.

Go ahead and drive me insane...

So lock the door

and throw out the key.

Can't fight this no more,

it's just you and me.

And there's nothing I I can do,

I'm stuck with you.

Look where we ended up...

I always fancied myself as a continuously tragic broken heart that needed to constantly be reinvented in order to maintain any sense of self. I used each disappointment as fuel for my ambitions, and there was a time when nothing seemed out of reach. Not anymore, though. Not sure how or when exactly, but it is very evident that my broken heart has very much been healed. Somehow, when I wasn't paying attention, I reached the love I used to write about on this thing that is not a blog. I'm staring into its luminiscence and it is so very clear, so very simple. Not even my twisted sense of deduction could come to any other conclusion. Before me stands the personification of every love poem I have ever written. The ending to what was never supposed to conclude. I cannot even pretend that I am not the happiest I've ever been. I wonder now, though, what can I use as fuel if not heartache? And most importantly, if I've already arrived, is there anywhere else worth going?

My head is underwater...

I'm in the limelight, let the universe decide...

We walk the line, and try to see...

Maybe the reason why we aren't doing great things,

is because we aren't great people. 

Men have called me mad; but the question is not yet settled, whether madness is or is not the loftiest intelligence - whether much that is glorious - whether all that is profound - does not spring from disease of thought. For I was born a warrior, one who defied the odds by surviving the most gruesome battle of them all - the race to life itself. And now that I am a giant, why do I even doubt victory against smaller numbers and wider margins? The only walls that exist are those I have placed in my mind. And whatever obstacles I conceive, exist only because I have forgotten what I have already achieved. There is a higher existence out there for me. I swear, one day, I shall reach it.

Worlds are turning and we're just hanging on...

Things look so bad everywhere,

in this whole world, what is fair?

We walk the line and try to see,

falling behind in what could be.

Think about it, there must be a higher love,

down in the heart or hidden in the stars above,

without it, life is wasted time,

look inside your heart, 

and I'll look inside mine.

I can almost taste it now...

We shouldn't be here at all, if we'd known more about it before we started. But I suppose it's often that way. The brave things in the old tales and songs; adventures, as I used to call them. I used to think that they were things the wonderful folk of the stories went out and looked for, because they wanted them, because they were exciting and life was a bit dull. But that's not the way of it with the tales that really mattered, or the ones that stay in the mind. Folk seem to have been just landed in them, usually - their paths were laid that way.

But I expect they had lots of chances, like us, of turning back, only they didn't. And if they had, we shouldn't know, because they'd have been forgotten. We only hear about those who just went on - and not all to a good end, mind you; at least not to what folk inside a story and not outside it call a good end. Like coming home, and finding things all right, though not quite the same - like my grandmother did all those years ago. But those aren't always the best tales to hear, though they may be the best tales to get landed in. I wonder what sort of a tale I've fallen into? And if I had already, by mistake or my own volition, turned my back on adventure.

Now you see me, now you don't...

Golden times come slow...

For the most, the last few months, I have felt separated and cut off from the world around me, but occasionally, when the moon was at its peak, I've felt the universe inside of my soul, slowly expanding into the infinite. I hope I'll have that feeling again, and that next time it won't go away so fast. That's the dim, misty outline of this story that's also told so often, of how we once lived in a golden age in garden of Eden ... how that world was lost, and how we some day may be able to get it back again. ... This story of the loss and regaining of identity is, I think, the framework of all life. You are a stone, thrown upon a lake. But the ripples you create will never make you still.