Sleepless in the onyx night...

Vsak spomin, ki v meni je,

plačam z mučnim vbodom v srce.

As the day ended, I went out and searched again, but found nothing, neither paradise nor resurrection. What had been said proved unjustified. Everything is starting to feel like madness. There has never been a time quite like this. And I have a sneaking suspicions, that it's just preparation for what late adulthood still has in store for me. The miracle is that I can never really know for sure where I am on the journey of my life. The laws of nature shall not spare me, even if I live amidst a lie and to die for one. It follows that the very laws of the universe are nothing but a made up set of rules, a farce put on by the creator, to pass the time more easily. What's there to live for, answer me, won't you please?

Starting to think my house is haunted...

He had a vision. He lay half asleep in the dirt. The sunset behind the hills had burnt his skin. And in the dream he saw a throne. His throne. Built on the tower of his life. When he woke all he could think of was his vision, etched so clearly on his mind. He worked for three days and three nights, with no food or drink, until his vision had become a reality. Perfect in every detail. He pondered the significance of this edifice and shook off his trance. He felt tired. He felt lonely. He felt confused. He felt so bloody confused. But at least he felt like he was on the right path.

Failure brings you freedom...

Life is a dream, it ends when it ends...

It’s been hard to trust again...

Gone by day and gone by night,

it's not an easy road that

leads you to the light.

It's windy now,

but someday it'll straighten out.

But it's worth it on the other side,

when he brings that city down.

You only get one shot, 

everything to lose.

Lord take me now, 

I'm broken and bruised.

Can you save my soul, 

because I need you.

Let's go song for song, let's go back to back...

But sometimes, maybe most times, it isn't that clear. It's dark and you are near the edge of a cliff, but you're moving slowly, not sure which direction you're heading in. Your steps are tentative but they are still blind in the night. You try to calm yourself, find some sort of inner peace, but fear and anxiety never truly leave your body. You don't realize how close you are to the edge, how the soft earth could give away, how you could just slip a bit and suddenly plunge into the dark.

Sad as it seems...

People are like water: Many rush pass you, as some will over-flood. Some will drown you, or force you to go their current ways. Some will be cold or hot-tempered, but try to stay with the warm ones. Some will come as a raging wave and cause a ripple, or a calm sea, supporting you, quenching your thirst, and flow by your side to where kisses will always stay wet.

Sometimes it can be as brutally overwhelming as a tidal wave flooding every orifice, the suffocation, the pressure, the immensity of this damnable fear. Like an ocean, unsurmountable. It swallows him whole and gnaws at his very bones. It floods him over and over, drowning him over and over. It's a torturous broken record player with a scratched disc on repeat, the wailing disrupting any possible good remaining after the tsunami. It wails and wails inside his ribcage and inside his skull. He cannot make it stop.

Rain on me tsunami...

And the black cat laughed...

He leans back and tilts his head so all he sees are the clouds in the sky. He's looking back inside his head with his eyes wide open. He still doesn't know where he's going; he decided he's not crazy or alien. It's just that he's more like one of those kids they find in remote jungles. A wolf boy. And they've dragged him into this fear riddled state, snarling and spitting and walking around on curled knuckles. He in a state of shock. Flight no longer an option, every single interaction is a fight. Foes and friends are blurred. There is only one way out. To go through. 

As legend has it...

If anything, this year has made up in the quantity of lessons the previous few have lacked. What it means to be a good partner, brother, son, and friend. Things I severely took for granted have come crashing down on me relentlessly these past few months. And perhaps the reason I needed this wake up call is because I was too lenient with my deadly enemy. My fear. Instead of fighting my battles, I chose to retreat from them. Avoiding conflict and not allowing myself the opportunity to grow. But all too obviously, my inability to bend, has caused me to break. My failure to let fear pass over me and through me has sent shockwaves through my body. Ones I'm not sure I can fully recover from. Fear is the mind killer. And mine is almost too fractured to ever repair. 

I'm out of my head...

Someone just told me to leave all my sorrow,

if that is true, I don't know who to be.

Could be these troubles are part of the plan?

Could be I need to just to take a chance?

So I forget what was taken from me,

I will bequeath from the victor your vacancy.

Tell them: these troubles are out of your head.

Tell them: I'm free to use them to clap and dance.

It sealed the deal...

I need to dream. I need to believe. I need to know that I have some control in my life. That if I work hard, that I will be rewarded. That life is not arbitrary. I need to believe that bad things happen to good people, for a greater reason. That dedication, sacrifice, hard work, discipline are all worthy attributes that will eventually produce extraordinary results. That if I live a certain lifestyle, that my family will be better for that. That there is a direct link between my actions and my results. That If I prepare properly that I can face the insurmountable foe and look him in the eye, knowing that I have defeated death. 

Sometimes events that lead him bereft of anything but grief just happen for no reason other than happenstance. A car turns left instead of right, a train is missed, a call comes too late. Then the real test of his humanness becomes front and center. Is he able to, in light of that knowledge, ever to recover? When he again finds his way despite the inability to manufacture a deeper meaning in his suffering? When he is able to march forward, with no grand design that would explain why the universe tore him asunder? That's when he can say, that he's finally grown up. 

Chasing after finer days...

I got lost in the pool...

Never breaking my vow...

Another way to be prepared is to think negatively. To be completely enamored in scenarios and circumstances that can hurt you. So when trying to make a decision, I often think of the worst case scenario. The always present factor of being eaten by wolves. If I do something, what's the most terrible thing that can come of it? What could happen that would make me lose everything? And now that I can imagine it, I can create a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose. There are a lot of things I don't worry about, because I'm learning that all I need is a plan in place, for when they do.

Dancing through the lighting strikes...

Gave up a piece of my heart,

then I turned to run.

My head is in the clouds,

but I don't feel close to the sun.

And the light fades away from my face,

and the tears fall like rain.

So I turn all my words into faith, 

hope it's me that they save.