Put me in the slammer...

These feelings aren't going away. They are linger. Hovering. They are with me always. These emotions are my roommates now, bunking up beside me at night. They are determined to ruin me, and yet I can never fully evict them from my brain. Most days now, they lie dormant in me. Sometimes it gets so quiet in my brain I think they've finally packed up and left. But then, suddenly, I start raging over the smallest of things. At first I'm perplexed, and then I remember: it's here again. I am still quite a bit mad.

Drop another hammer...

First: breakdown, impossible to sleep, impossible to stay awake, impossible to endure life, or, more exactly, the course of life. The clocks are not in unison; the inner one runs crazily on at a devilish or demoniac or in any case inhuman pace, the outer one limps along at its usual speed. What else can happen but that the two worlds split apart?

Everything turns in circles and spirals with the cosmic heart until infinity. Everything has a vibration that spirals inward or outward, and everything turns together in the same direction at the same time. This vibration keeps going: it becomes born and expands or closes and destructs, only to repeat the cycle again in the opposite current. Like a lotus, it opens or closes, dies and is born again. Such is also the story of the sun and moon, of him and his life. Nothing truly dies.

The moment or the night...

It was literally true: I was going through life asleep. I was both a body on the verge of sleep and a mind determined to stay awake. My body had no more feeling than a drowned corpse. My very existence, my life in the world, seemed like a hallucination. A strong wind would make me think that my body was about to be blown to the end of the earth, to some land I had never seen or heard of, where my mind and body would separate forever. Hold tight, I would tell myself, but there was nothing for me to hold on to.