Let the sky fall when it crumbles...

I'm not really a writer as much as I am a romantic. I look back on moments, which have passed me by, like movie scenes, like something you would read in a book or see crudely painted on the walls of a burnt down factory. When I touch other people, I feel them as intensely as any emotion running through my veins. I listen to songs like I'm looking for the perfect soundtrack for my life, to a person, to a season, to a memory. I carry all these things inside me so that no one else can notice. They hold me down like an anchor, trying to drown me out at sea. My stories write themselves as easily as words join together when I'm in love. I am no longer afraid, because it finally dawned upon me that my heart cannot break, for it wasn't even whole to start with.

He runs back through the fire. He knows there's nothing left to say, and that he's probably chasing the mid-night train, even though it's too late. Yet he runs through the scorching maze with unparallel speed. He does not feel anything, for he has long lost his sensation for pain and anguish. He finds her amid mountains of ash, barely flickering with life. A tiny fraction of her soul remains, bound by the love they used to hold for one another. Just as he was ready to carry her home, she lets loose a sigh of disbelief and evaporates into smoke. As always, he has come too late to save the ones he loves. As always the boy who said forever, didn't even make it through the day.

Just one more time...

Hello, my old heart. How have you been?

Are you still there inside my chest?

I've been so worried;

you've been so still,

barely beating at all.

Often I really wish I could put all of my thoughts into a jar and lock them up for safekeeping. My problem is that I think too much. I over-analyze unimportant details and ignore those I should deal with. It gets too much for me to handle, so I panic, I run away without thinking of the mess I'm leaving behind. On the road, I go to war with myself and the damage done leaves me with bloody scars. I'm tired and I'm sick of being tired. I still don't quite like who I am, but if anything, I know change is an extremely slow and painful process. But most of all, I'm exhausted from wanting things and people I can't have - constantly walking on the edge, trying to find meaning for the meaningless.

The light which I cannot see...

How long before I get in
before it starts, before I begin?
How long before you decide,
before I know what it feels like?

Where to? Where do I go?
How long do I have to climb
up on the side of this mountain of mine?

Our clock never seemed so alive...

Close your eyes, sometimes it helps...

Suddenly, then all at once, they find themselves somewhere they don't recognise. The air feels heavier and there's a faint smell of despair. The ground beneath them trembles, and they cry out in fear. As they run towards directions unknown, and trip at every turn, one thing, and one thing only, is clear. Win or lose, live or die, fight or flight, whatever might come, they shall at least know that they have fought with unearthly stamina, and managed to leave a mark on the world they left behind. They move slowly, because there's no time to think. You see their heart beating through their chest, but they are not worried, for they are all they need and more. They say a prayer to themselves, pull out their weapons, and then ... then they pull the trigger.

I'm like diamonds in the sky...

There is very little I can say right now, very little I can share. All I can tell you is that nothing is really wrong, yet nothing is right either. I'm still trying as hell to figure some things out, and while I've been so deeply consumed by my new surroundings, they somehow seem out of place. I'm still miles away from where I want to be, and I still lack the courage to embark upon where I dream of going. So what you're reading now, is the time in between. The time when I'm gathering myself, learning as much as I can, and preparing for the struggle ahead. My resolve gets tested on a daily basis, and my talent, or lack there of, is challenged at every turn. I wish I could tell you that I've never been happier, but as it stands now, I'm stuck in limbo, patiently waiting for my opportunity that I know might never come.

All it took was one look, one smile, one touch, and it was as if the year that has passed, held no meaning. To this day, to this very moment, you are his everything. You are the reason he does this, the reason he holds on, the reason he dreams, the reason for his thundering laughter. You are the reason he stands before you, not as a boy, but as a man. A man who is not afraid to fail, and is not scared of making mistakes. A man who'll one day walk away, and you'll wonder why he doesn't love you anymore. But he will know, only he will truly know that the love which bound you together, yet remains within his soul. "After all this time", others will wonder. "Always", he'll gently whisper.

Once again away I'd fly...

White knuckles and sweaty palms

from hanging on to tight.

Eyes on fire 

and they burn from all the tears.

I tie a knot in the rope,

trying to hold,

but there's nothing to grab,

so I let go.

The wheel breaks the butterfly...

It came as a light breeze at first, then it threw me into the sky like a tornado - the realisation that each random person I pass by is living a life as livid and complex as my own, populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness. An epic story that continues invisibly around us like an anthill sprawling deep undergound, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives we'll never know even existed, in which we might appear only once, as a shadow in the background, as a blur walking by, as a lighted window at dusk. We are all conected by seams stronger than we can accept, than I can admit. He is not in this alone, he knows that now. We are in it together.

My same old safe bet...

Can you see the soul that is inside?

You'll be sorry you missed out...

I can't become a butterfly 

if I'm not a caterpillar first.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, because I really feel as if I'm giving it my all. Maybe there comes a point in all of our lives, when we have to start thinking of settling for less than we dream of, and embrace the path life is so bent on pushing upon us. Maybe that time has come for me, maybe I was never meant to touch the sky. What hurts the most though, is that I can never be sure if it's right to give up or if all I need to do is hold on a little longer. If this truly is the end, then it shall come crumbling down faster than you can grasp, and the damage done will be greater than anything we have survived before. Maybe that's the key. Maybe this time, we're not meant to make it out alive. 

He had always been an unusual boy, with a chameleon soul. No moral compas pointing due north. No fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that is as wide and wavering as the ocean. Since he was young he felt like he was destined for more, so he allowed himself to dream bigger than most, and live dangerously close to the edge. Sometimes he'd balance it perfectly, sometimes he'd fall over, yet always, without pause, he'd keep walking. And so he shall do now - march on towards whatever might come next.

Back to what I knew...

He had failed greater than he ever thought he could, yet the simple fact that he put himself out there, to the furthest extent one can imagine, is reason enough to march forward. Towards an uncertain destiny, upon an unpassable mountain, and beyond the darkest horizon. The crash and burn of today, just marks the first of many still to come. But as she has foretold, he is now strong enough to endure and wise enough to know when to keep pushing on and when it's time to admit defeat. Because only when he is cut down, can he rise, can he rebuild himself into the person he always dreamt of being. There shall be heartache and agony and fear, but there will also be times of joy, of triumph and of pride. All of that will be his life and his life alone.

I lay with the wolves, alone it seems...

A shot in the dark,

a soul lost in space.

Where do I start,

the past and the chase.

You hunted me down,

like a wolf, a predator,

I felt like a deer in love lights.

You held me, and I froze in time,

hungry for that flesh of mine.

You brought me to my knees,

but what do you see in my yellow eyes?

Laugh at the boy who loved too easily...

I'm not really sure why I thought you'd be different. I guess I really wanted to convince myself that I was one of those people who might experience happy ever after, yet as of today, you are just another heartbreak I'll have to get over. It's not even that I was so much in love with you, I think I was more in love with the idea of what we could be. But from now on, I shall belong to no one. I want my dreams with a fire, and I shall feed my addiction for freedom, even if it pushes me to a nomadic point of madness. And when I am at war with the world, I will ride. Just ride.

Breathe. Don't be crass. Don't skulk. Walk with grace, even if you know you are an affront to nature. They will see you and feel themselves wilting in your shadow. Do not shrink to console them. Do not look for comfort, friends or love, because you won't find them here. They don't have the capacity to understand you and they never will. Then one day if you're really lucky, you will stumble upon a person you'll need not fear, and you will know in an instant that life itself has guided you towards one another. Then slowly, but surely you shall understand. You have greatness in you. Don't disappoint. 

Fall just isn't my season...

Cradle my head in your hands.

Can't jump the track...

It's an overwhelming sensation, knowing that you have set on a path, which may very well lead somewhere you've always wanted to go. But it's equally terrifying to realise that where you wanted to go your whole life, might not be where you're destined to end up. I'm taking a time out, a chance to recollect and take it easy for a change. Not every minute of your everyday has to be filled with life-altering choices. Sometimes the quiet determination to simply enjoy whatever life might throw your way, is all it takes to be happy.

Once in a while, amidst all your bad days, amidst all the pain of holding on, and all the agony of moving forward, you shall stumble upon a good day. A great day even. A day when everything feels like it's going to work out, and the journey ahead, even if just for a second, doesn't seem so scary anymore. Make sure you remember those days. Keep them safely in the pockets of your coat or in a jar on your desk, because you need to always remember that there are and will be better days. Remember how those days make you warm inside, like a small fire has ignited within your soul. Hold on to the warmth and make sure to never let it go. 

Someday I will find my way...

I don't need a medal or a trophy this time around. I don't need scores of people cheering my name. Because the fact that I'm still standing after the year I've had, is reason enough to let loose the demons I've yet to banish, and revel in the satisfaction of knowing that I gathered up the courage to jump without knowing what lies beneath the hill. I pushed myself further than most dare to imagine and even though I'm still in mid-flight, I'm confident that everything will turn out in my favour. The sensation starts in my toes, and then it makes me crinkle my nose, then it goes with the wind, and I can smile quite unlike ever before. The future begs to be lived, and I relish the thought of it being everything I dream of. And wherever I might go, and wherever I might end up, I shall be certain that I really gave it my all.