Bullets caught in my teeth...

All I wanted was to live a life where I could be me, and not just be okay with that, but to thrive from it, and perhaps even get an ounce of pleasure from the serenity of knowing that who I am is enough - it's enough for me. For that reason I do not fear being alone or being lonely, heck I welcome it. I orchestrate circumstances so that my hunger for solitude is fed. It's funny though. I've changed so much during all these years, yet this piece of me remains. My constant. My common denominator. I never understood people very well anyway, how they function, how they see me, how they feel, and they never seemed to understand me in ways that matter either. All I wanted was my art and the chance to be the creator of my own world, my own reality, and while I've failed at many things, time and time again, I'd like to believe that this is something I have despite of everything ... or perhaps because of it.

I will be your eyes and ears...

He once had a dream that his life would be vastly different than the one he is living now. He dreamt of mountains that reach the sky, of clouds that pour sand, of seas that are filled with an endless stream of pure water, of days that never pass, and a life that never fades. He's dreamt so many dreams, for so many years - now he stands before you, without the strength to conjure a single one. Perhaps this is what happens to everyone. As we grow up, we are taught that dreaming is an abundance we cannot afford, and wishing should rather be spent on the reachable, the graspable, the already achieved. He ponders if he is still him, if Karr is still Karr, if you are still you without the inherent attribute that formed us in the first place. Can this be real? Can the image staring back at him be of this world? Can it be sustained? Can it even survive?

See my silhouette in the firelight...

I realised that while it is futile to fight change, I surely have a say in how it takes hold, how it influences my everyday, how I move forward. I need not fear my urges - for that only fuels their toxic expression. I can love and be loved, and makes mistakes, many of them, all at once. I've already proved to myself that I can reach transcendence, all I need now is the courage to accept my demons, and the patience for them to subside.

A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps through your veins and swims inside your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it's the most painful thing you'll ever have to do and that you've ever done, and it shall fill you with a void of sadness. But what I've learned is that the best cure for being sad, is to learn something, anything at all. That's the only remedy that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.

Chasing the sunset...

No fault of mine...

In the night time, when the world is at its rest,

you will find me in the place I know best.

And we build our castle in the sky and in the sand,

design our own world that nobody understands.

I find myself alive in the palm of your hand,

as long as we are flying, this world doesn't have an end.

Sky and sand...

How is it possible that I have everything I've ever wanted, yet feel as lost as ever - unable to calm my nerves, letting my old disease take hold, and knowingly making choices I'm bound to regret? I have changed, for sure, and for sure you were the catalyst. But this was not the kind of transformation I am accustomed to, one where my entire foundation is shaken, and every visible eye can see that I am no longer the boy they have learned to call their friend. This time it was far more subtle. Almost undetectable, yet equally altering. You influenced me by unravelling what true love really feels like. What it means to say forever, and truly stand by it. What it means to give your heart, even the tiniest pieces, and be certain they are safe. I never expected you'd take hold of me in ways you did, that we'd last this long, and even longer still, that every love story would become about you, that every song would call your name.

The stones on the riverbed...

Forever or down in flames...

Above all else, what I've learned as another year passes by, is that I am destined to be one of those people who feed off their loneliness. I manifest circumstances to facilitate it, to nurture it, and to destroy anything that might threaten it. For what it's worth - I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you shall fall victim to my disease, like so many before you, and I imagine, so many after. I tried to get better, I really did, but I guess there are some afflictions that cannot be cured. I never wanted to turn out this way, to be this person, yet as it is now clearly evident, I simply do not have the willpower to transcend beyond my limitations. There is no more fight left in me, and it would be foolish to try to convince you otherwise, to try to convince myself. The games life plays with me, I always lose, and screaming out in pain shall do none any good. So I shall lay here, as I forever have, as I forever will, and dream of the person I could have been. There will be no tears, no wallowing, no self pity - just the simple realisation that the end has come. The end has come for sure.