One day my grandmother told me...

These are the nights that never die...

As you may imagine, I like the beginnings of things, of stories bursting from the anticipation of being once told. The pure white possibility of the empty room, the first kiss, the first swipe at larceny. And endings ... I liked endings too. The drama of the smashing voice, a dead turtle, the tearful goodbye, the last awful word which could never be unsaid or unremembered. I loved both of those extremes. It was the middles that gave me pause. This, what you have been reading for the last couple of months, for all its forward momentum, this was a middle, something not quite tangible.The beginnings were sweet, the endings usually bitter, but the middles were only the tightrope you walked between the one and the other. No more than that. So now, as I finally prepare to embark towards new horizons, I take a deep breath, and one step forward - lighthearted I take to the open road, healthy, free, the world before me.

Far beyond the shore...

Karkoli pač že, kakorkoli pač že,

samo da se končno začne.

You can run away from yourself so often, and so much, just because the broken pieces of you cut your feet too deeply if you stay around for too long. But then what if someone were to come along and pick up those pieces for you? Then you wouldn't have to run away from yourself anymore. You could stop running. If someone sees you as something worth staying with - maybe you'll stay with yourself, too. But for him, for the boy whose pieces are scattered far and wide, that boy simply turned back to the lights, and in that moment he saw that the night was darker than ever before. He could not see the stars, yet the world felt as high as the depth-less night sky and deeper than he could know. He understood, suddenly and keenly, that he was too small to run away, and so he sat on the damp ground and cried. Just like that.

When the skies come falling down...

Hey, once upon a younger year.

when all my shadows disappear,

the animals inside came out to play.

Hey, went face to face with all my fears,

learned my lessons through the tears,

made memories I knew would never fade.

One day my grandmother told me:

"sweetie, don't let it slip away."

She took me in her arms, I heard her say:

"when you get older, your wild heart will live for younger days,

think of me if ever you're afraid."

I just want you to know...

Some things worth having defy logic. They come with obstacles, challenges, battles and long periods of wandering in the dark. Your path won't make sense to your family or friends. People will weigh in with their life rules and fears, but in the end it is your life, your path, your journey. That pull you feel is real and often your intuition. It nags at you everyday. And as it creates craters in your stomach, follow it for as far as it takes you because life is too short to dwell on indecision. Take a chance because if you have a good heart the universe isn't going to abandon you. It will travel wherever you need to go, wherever your heart guides you, in order to find the missing pieces of your soul.

As long as I can feel the beat...

My anxiety is starting to get the best of me. I've done it before - moved halfway across the world, yet this time it seems more detrimental. I'm older, supposedly wiser, and the choices I make hold greater weight. What if I'm making a mistake, and life is playing one more cruel joke on me? What if I'm lonely? What if I fail? As these questions ignite a tempest in my mind, I try to calm myself with anything that comes my way, and while there are so many things that could go wrong, I never forget that despite my fears and endless questions, there is still a chance, albeit slim, that things might work out in my favour. Just this once.

Excitement, like hysteria, bubbled up in him from a hundred unsealed springs. He hasn't much time left to spoil. It was the last flicker of instinct of self-preservation which has yet to fail him before. As he laid to rest, he wondered about the explorers who'd sailed their ships to the end of the world. How terrified they must have been when they risked falling over the edge; they postponed the journey because they were afraid, because they wanted to hold happiness in reserve, like a bottle of champagne. and then they didn't want to use it up, because what do you wish for then? How amazed they must have been to discover, instead, places they had seen only in their dreams.

My last cheap thrill...

What demons do...

It could be nothing, it could be something.

I am not here to tell you that defeat is a part of life: we all realise that, and if you've read but a month of my ramblings you are aware that I tend to repeat that notion. Today, I am here to tell you that only the defeated know love, and through love we know ourselves. Because it is in the realm of love that we fight our first battles – and generally lose. I am here to tell you that there are people who have never been defeated, and that is far worse. They are the ones who never fought. They managed to avoid scars, humiliations, feelings of helplessness, as well as those moments when even the best of us doubt the existence of a greater power guiding our way. Yet as I was making final plans for my escape, there was something about the joy and pain of that moment, something about the excruciating contrast that made me feel like no matter what happens now, my journey has been worth it. What a ride. What a ride indeed.

Lightning is what he came for...

Know I've done wrong, left your heart torn,

is that what devils do?

Took you so long, where only fools gone,

I shook the angel in you!

Now I'm rising from the crowd,

rising up to you!

Feel with all the strength I found,

there's nothing I can't do!

I need to know now, know now ...

can you love me again?

This is the part when I break free...

There aren't any rules to running away. No checklist of things to cross off. No instructions. Eeny, meeny, pick a path and go. But if there aren't any rules, I wonder why it feels like I'm leaving behind a little bit of who I am. My scattered pieces are all over the place. A trail of crumbs dotting the map from everywhere I've left to everywhere I go, and they don't make any pictures when I connect dots. They are random like the stars littering the sky at night, warning me of the danger that in this move toward new horizons and far directions, I may lose what I have now, and not find anything except loneliness. Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting, and the realisation that moving on is pointless, that you take yourself with you wherever you go.

Standing as a broken man...

I am stuck. Both literally and metaphorically. As life swings with full force, I am once again reminded that I'm nowhere near as in control as I thought. The winds blow and uplift everything I held dear, and the path forward seems more uncertain than ever. I miscalculated and the only thing that I am left with, is the beat of my heart, and that same old stupid grin on my face.

Someday you are going to look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing. Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides feel empty and hollow and aching. Deep grief is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. Because when you're missing a piece of yourself, aching, gut wrenching emptiness begins to take over. Until you find the link that completes your very soul, the feeling will never go away. Most people find a way to fill this void; material possessions, a string of relationships, affairs, food. He is different though. He bares his soul, with words, for all to see.

I felt it in my chest as you looked at me...

A little more dangerous...

Life happens, and you can either dive into the waterfall or get left behind on the peak, petrified and afraid. You can't know if you don't like the cold pounding of water on your skin if you don't at least try to withstand its might, and while I've given up on predicting the outcome of my endeavours, I am sure, more certain than ever that there is a plan behind the madness. And right then and there, all you really need is the realisation that the universe is a lot more complicated than you might think, even if you start from a position of thinking it's pretty damn complicated in the first place. So in fact, we are the cosmos made conscious and life is the means by which the universe understands itself - to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter; to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring. To enjoy what was received, and to never give up on that which still eludes our grasp.

Bombs away...

Well we rushed it,

moving away too fast

that we crushed it,

But it's in the past.

We can make this leap,

through the curtains of the waterfall -

so say Geronimo!

See me in the spotlight...

Dived too deep...

In terms of days and moments lived, you’ll never again be as young as you are right now, so spend this day, the youth of your future, in a way that deflects regret. Invest in yourself. Have some fun. Do something important. Love somebody extra. In one sense, you’re just a kid, but a kid with enough years to know that every day is priceless. So go and play. Run around. Build something. Break something. Climb a tree. Get dirty. Get in some trouble. Have some fun. And for god's sake; don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Like every time before, when I suddenly felt the urge to go silent, I somehow find my way back to you, to this thing we created, because I catch myself missing it. The things that happen in my life, don't seem to make sense if they don't find their way onto words on paper. As I try to figure out what it all means, I find that time is on my side. There is no real rush. I will take my time, and let myself become whoever I might be next, but in order to do so, I had to go back to where it all started, and as I roamed the streets of the city of my awakening, I felt a surge down my spine. It made my body tremble, and my knees shake. And in that moment, in that very instant in time I knew that I was once again at the precipice of change - that my rebirth is at hand.