When my eyes are closed...

Tisto noč, ko sva šla,

dvignil si me z dna, do neba.

They had never promised each other every lifetime, every universe, every possible arrangement of atoms. Those are in infinite supply, and they are just two boys. But they are two boys whose blood runs with the heat of exploding stars, even as it drips down their knuckles. They are two boys whose souls reach for each other and ignore probability and infinity. They are two boys who crashed together and touched each other gently. They have each other’s names carved into their bones and each other’s fingerprints tattooed on their ligaments and they breathe in time with the other’s heartbeat. They would count the steps to hell and freeze it over to save one another and they would burn if there were no other choice. When the sun goes supernova and solar flares lick across the sky, they will see one another, even if only for an instant, and think, this is almost heaven.

That's what I want...

I have realised that patience is not the ability to wait. Patience is to be calm no matter what happens, and have faith to believe that it will all work out in the end while you are waiting. So I lay there with my mind running amuck, on the brink of madness. And somehow, gradually, when early morning came, I became calm. I was reciting the litany against fear, and I started to feel that I was being looked after, that everything was okay. It was strange: if there was ever a time in my life when I had the right to feel alone this was it. But I lost that sense of loneliness. I felt like there was a force in the room with me, not a person, but I had a sense that there was another world, another dimension, and it would be looking after me. I understood that this isn't the only world, this is just one aspect of the whole thing, this isn't all there is.

If only I could flow like water...

It could all go in an instant...

Singing under string lights,

sipping until the sunrise,

living like we only got today.

Swearing off the dark times,

cursing at the moonlight, 

we might be lost,

but we’ll find our way.

Look to windward...

After all the streets are closed...

I have come to understand that there will be times in which things appear hopeless. When I will begin to doubt everything around me. Even myself. When I will think things will never look up and I may be in the deepest, darkest, loneliest place in the world. Everything which had once been infused with wonder may appear disappointing and harsh. I may grow cynical and come to believe that this is simply the way the world is. That I must bear with the unforgiving realities of the world and only hope that it doesn't get worse. 

He is growing suspicious of others, as adults tend to do, and he is closing himself off from the rest of the world. He looks to old friends to reminisce about better days, or he dwells in one place for a little too long and becomes nostalgic for the future. But regardless of where he is, what experiences he has, and who he has become - there will always be those who have loved him. Those whom he may have taken for granted, but have nonetheless, always had him in their hearts and in their hopes and wishes. Lives that he has touched: whether he realizes it or not. To separation he may venture, but indissolubly in union shall he drift. He will always be at the whims of forces, both great and small, and far beyond his capacity to control. That's how his story goes. Innumerable arcs intersect and scatter into a vast indefinite sea.

Karr on a cross...

That part of my life is over. I will set it aside as something I have finished. Complete or no, it is done with me. I guess I really don't get to decide what my life is supposed to be. It's time to be a man. Or at least a far better version of one I was before. I must calmly and without pretense admit where I am now, and go from there. Even if it's rubble and disappointment. I have to accept the life I have been given. That way I might just survive it. If I keep holding back from it, insisting this is not my path, not where I am meant to be, life will pass me by. I may not die from such foolishness, but I might as well be dead for all the good my life will do me or the ones I love.

You can stay if you want...

And I hope that you remember me...

And if we should die tonight,

then we should all die together,

raise a glass of wine for the last time.

Calling out father oh,

prepare as we will,

watch the flames burn auburn on.

The mountain side,

desolation comes upon the sky.

I see fire...

It's a beautiful thing to know that every tear, every obstacle is, in fact, a chance for me to step higher. To choose better. To have better. To paint over my hurts like never before. Before I reach my destination, I'll find myself going through the wilderness. While in the there, my faith will be tried and tested. I'll need to humble myself. My vision for my life will get clearer. I'm in training for my true purpose. I'll lose some people, because there's some folks who are only with me because of where they think my journey will lead them. I walk on. Continue on my journey. Soon, I'll be approaching the mountain. I better get ready to climb.

How you remind me...

He still owes you a reason...

Brez tebe ne znam.

He'a not resistant enough. If life would ever want for him to spiral, it would not take a lot. It seems his walls are made of hay, and the years of complacency have left him soft and unprepared. He wonders if there is any way he can rebuild into something more stable. Unsurprisingly, he simply wants to give up. He's as weak as he ever was and the daily steps he takes, to maybe come out on the other side, feel like nothing. Moving in place. The cycle will never end. He can't hold on forever. He has to make a change. Separate himself from himself. Time won't wait for anyone, not even him.

Time to settle scores...

I'm no longer going to be striving to be perfect or even good. I have absolutely no obligation to either of those things. I won't be wasting my time feeling guilty and repenting things I cannot change. I will let myself expand and live. I'll love what I love. I'll listen to other people's hurt and pain, and share mine with them. Meanwhile, the sun rises and sets each day. Flowers bloom and wither, birds migrate and return, trees shed their leaves and wake up again. No matter how lonely and desperate I might feel today, tomorrow is another day to try again. My imagination is endless, crosses time and dimension, sleeps awhile, and then comes on like fury. These are the things to remember in my darkest times. I am that flower, that bird, that tree, and I will awaken to beauty when it's time. And that time is my choice.

Way down we go...

Your path is better...

When I'm overwhelmed within,

from the weight of all my sin,

I need a friend to call my own,

I need a house to call my home.

When I'm broken down inside,

and there's nowhere else to hide,

I need a place where I feel known,

then I hear your reply,

bringing teardrops to my eyes,

saying I'm not alone.

No one tried to read my eyes...

I've been trying to fit everything in, trying to get to the end before it's too late, but I see now how badly I've deceived myself. My life does not allow such things. The closer I come to what I think is an end of an era, the more there is to say. The endings in my life are only imaginary, a destination I invent to keep myself going. But now I am at a point, where I realize that I will never get there. I might have to stop, but that is only because I have run out of time. I stop, but that does not mean I have come to an end.

He begins to suspect, as he gazes through this hole of insight and fire, that though it is the most important thing he owns, it has not shielded him from anything terribly important. The only consolation is that despite everything, he chose to endure. Without any assurance of immortality or even competence, his only goal is to be happy. He must be careful not to throw everyone who loves him away. Because without them, there plainly and starkly would have been nothing here for him; no, nothing at all.