Saw it from afar, now here we are...

This birthday, I am letting go. Letting go of the expectations of how my life should have turned out, especially in recent years. I'll be leaving that angry, resentful, crying little bitch out in the dust. Or at least I'll try every day as hard as I can to not look at the world with such gloom. Because as I blew out my candle, all I could think of was how much I actually have. In the grand scheme of things, nothing that would stand the test of time. But I have a small part of someone, and I gave a small part away, and I call my mother, while I still can, and I listen to my brother, while he still wants to talk to me, and I try to exercise while by body is still alive, and I have friends I try to support, and I have people who try to understand. And despite everything, I still have that stupid grin on my face.

Headstrong right and dead-end wrong...

The benefit of starting from rock bottom is that I've basically been handed a gift: a clean slate. My pride has been utterly demolished, my ego is pulverized, my fear of failure has been realized in its most brutal form. Yet here I am, if nothing else, absolutely free.

He started weeping out loud as the scenes of his past replayed through his head. He'd always seen the universe's interventions as highly intentional and careful selected. Something he started to rely on when he was faced with the realities of this world. Surely the universe wouldn't leave him our to dry? Surely not, after all this time? So he waited. And waited some more. For a sign that he was not abandoned. And so a year has gone by, and he is still sitting there, realising how much it cost him to hope for something that never came. But even more terrifying, what if the sign had come, and he just didn't see it? What if he had become blind to the universe's will? Maybe the universe isn't broken. Maybe the only thing that has forsaken him, is himself. 

This is what it comes down to...

In the midst of life happening all around me, I lost the ability to be okay. I lost the ability to trust. I lost the ability to love myself, and it feels like I've lost everything. And when the one person in the entire world who loves you unconditionally doesn't seem to hear what you're saying, then you start wondering will anyone ever truly understand? And then I get scared that I have to even ask that question. And then I feel lost, torn, broken, unfixable, damaged, and like nothing in the entire world could ever possibly be okay again. So I feel even smaller, even weaker. And then I realize again, that I lost myself. That in the midst of life happening all around me, I lost the ability to be okay.

Just a little impaired...

Making friends with shadows on my wall...

I move forward, treading carefully. Assessing the fault lines; the red flags; the triggers, the trigger-happy destroyers, and the destruction left in their wake. I continually assess when and how to I should react; when and how to silently stand strong; when to retreat; and if and when I must run. But I can't always control it. What will set of the blaze inside. So everything must be reflected on, new findings factored in, continually assessed and re-assessed. I decide I will talk about what's happening, it helps. I'll weigh my options, for myself and those I love, it helps. I'll make contingency plans, it helps. I'll fear nothing. It helps.

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown...

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell,

I know right now you can't tell.

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see,

a different side of me.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired.

I know right now you don't care,

but soon enough you're gonna think of me,

and how I used to be.

I just might be...

The morning light can't come too soon...

Why can't I be quiet and strong? Why can't I be innocent and sweet and still be a force to be reckoned with? Why can't I be who I am without becoming a constant storm and destroying everything in my wake?

It's a heaviness of ache than paralyzes him with this infernus warning. Below his eyes, he's awaiting his imminent gnashing of teeth. Forbidden waters, his being needs no cleansing. Dead azure sky, the universe is unable to be seen. Heaven's plague, all he sees is deaf devotion. The man of stone, he was conceived by the infirmity of his imagination. It's all an apparition that arises from the root of decayed light. Alone, for he is indeed the seed of nothingness.

Hope one day we come back around...

Throw a brick right into that stained glass...

Whatever pain you think you are in right now cannot begin to compare to the peace that will one day come over you. It cannot begin to compare to the joy that you will one day know. You will fall in love with life again, and it will be better than it was before, because you will become a different person. You will become someone who is more capable of appreciating what matters, who will not be as reckless with their choices, who can no longer be so easily swayed or mindlessly trusting. This will not happen overnight, though it will seem like it did in retrospect. Like the changing of a season, everything shifts slowly until all of a sudden, you are standing firmly in the after, in all you feared would never come.

I wasn't brave enough to go...

You inched yourself across the great divide,

while we drove aimlessly along the line.

I heard nothing but the bass in every ballad that you'd play,

while you swore the universe read your mind.

But the world is scared of hesitating things,

they only shoot the birds who cannot sing.

And I'm finally aware of how shitty and unfair.

it was to stare ahead like everything was fine.

Time won't wait on me...

I once believed in faith - that if I patiently waited, something good will happen. But as it turns out, the chapter I am in, does not really have a happy ending. Just a series of unfortunate events that I am forced to deal with while I'm bombarded by the voices in my head. So once again, I find myself devastated. Months have gone by and it doesn't feel like I've grown at all. I've tried several times to adjust my mindset, but ended up in the same ending. It was always a different title, same story; different choices made but ending up with the same plot and finale. Now I think I am done. Utterly broken by this never ending maze, destined to wander endlessly and finally giving up faith.

Dance halls, another cadence...

 

I've got no more tricks up my sleeve...

Everything was becoming blurred - before his eyes, inside his head - because of the fierce wind, the boundless space with nothing to hold on to, the clouds he had come too close to, which long continued to journey on inside him. The audacity to never stop believing in sojourning among the summits have their price.

Nothing seems real anymore. Life feels like a cosmic conspiracy, and as much as I try not to be a victim, I so easily fall back into patterns of blame and hurt. All because I can't get rid of the hunch, that there is something more waiting for me out there. An existence I can claim. Even the flames from the fire seem to beckon to me, drawing me into this fantasy of a journey beyond this one, buried somewhere deep in my subconscious. If only I could find the key, If only. And so I continue onwards, trying to find some logical way of passing my time, of justifying a means to an end.

In the end I hope it’s you and me...

I'll be here the whole night...

I'll take my pride, 

stand here for you.

I'm not blind, 

just seeing it through.

You take my life,

just for the thrill.

I'll take tonight,

and die on this hill.