What a long strange trip it's been...

Today is my 18th birthday... And there are a couple of things I've learned so far...

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn. I'm surrounded by impostors everywhere I turn. I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn. I'm the only one who's noticed. I can't be the only one who's learned...

Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from...

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately. All I have to do is think of me and have peace of mind. I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do, or who I'm supposed to be. I don't want to be anything other than me...

I am Karr, hear me roar...

The funny thing about new beginnings is that they require something else to end. For me that something was a long journey. Reading this thing that is not a blog gives a little insight on how that journey looked. But no amount of words could paint the picture that was the rollercoaster ride of the last 17 years 362 days and 19 hours…

But tomorrow marks a new era… A new start… The funny thing is that I have no idea where I want to be at the end of it. I’m more confused than ever. All I can do now is jump… and hope the fall will be worth it…

With a heavy heart...

The aftermath...

What happens when the goal you've set for yourself in a blink of an eye seems so insignificant... So distant... So small?

Not achieving my goal was probably the best thing that could have transpired, because it revealed something bigger. Something that trumps everything else.

But the question that remains is will I be able to reach it, since I wasn't able to live up to something that is now completely irrelevant?

In the aftermath of it all, I am eager... I am willing to learn from my mistakes... I am ready to let go... I am strong enough to move on... There's no going back now... No one left to hold me back. I am going to walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known...

When tomorrow never comes...

Don't tell me it's not worth fighting for...

You can't tell me it's not worth crying for...

I can't help it there's nothing I want more...

Always a godfather, never a god...

Did you ever try to catch a grasshopper? They're quite evasive creatures. The most funny thing about them is not that they look really creepy and it's also not that a thousand of them could probably eat you and digest you in one of the most disgusting ways possible (don't say it...), the funny thing about them is their uncanny trait of being able to mock you when you fail to claim them as your own.

I mean you're running through the forest, and you suddenly see a grasshopper... You start running after it, faster and faster. It just keeps jumping away and you keep tripping underneath all the twigs and rocks... But every time you fall you get back up and start chasing that little bugger once again. It takes a lot of time and a few bruises to finally hold one in your hands. And the very second you want to crunch up your fist in order to trap it, the mighty grasshopper jumps and runs away...

You again dash after him. But now the road is twice as long, you fall more frequently, you're exhausted... Then suddenly you stop, the grasshopper stops with you as if it felt your despair. At a safe distance it laughs at you and your inability to capture him...

You rest for a moment... Only for just a moment... You take in a deep breath, and off you go... The chase continues.

Here I am, once again...

I have always believed in karma. A force that evens the score. Levels the playing field. My logic was prety simple. If you sacrifice enough, if you don't "spend" your karma, it piles up. And one day it can burst all out on something you really wanted. But what happens when the explosion of karma never occurs?

Perhaps it is still gathering up, and we can never actually chose when to "spend" it. But what scares me the most is something entirely different. What if it wasn' there in the first place? Then all the work, urning, waiting and sacrifice had been for nothing.

It has to be there... It simply must... Or else I am forever lost. Lost between playing fields. No one else can even the score for me now... Too much has been taken for granted, too much denied happiness, too much endured misery, too many people banished...

Tell me there is a logic out there, leading me to better prepare, for the day that something really special might come...

The last cut is the deepest...

Did you ever have one of those weeks when you knew that by the end of that week your life is going to change? Well this is one of those weeks for me... Next wednesday I'm going to change. I'm going to be a different person. I'm still not sure if that scares me or excites me...

This is my last entry till next wednesday... When (if) I come back, I'll be transformed... For the better? Or for the worse?

Only time will tell how deep the cut will really be...

I walk a lonely road...

Did you ever want something so badly, that you were willing to sacrifice anything in order to get it? When the desire alone consumed you and you reached a point where all you did was work towards that goal? But what happens when the ending is not the one you've pictured in your head? When the ending isn't the end you wanted? With what are you left then? A broken shell, tired and exhuasted from the journey that did not yield the result you wanted...

But perhaps it isn't about the destination. maybe it's about the journey itself. That transformed you into a better person. That allowed you to experience things others only dream of...

Yes, the journey was great... Now that it is nearing it's end I can't but feel nervous... Nervous of what's to come... What lies ahead... Just around the corner... The finish line that I've pictured countless times in my head? Or simply a boulevard of broken dreams...

Here we go...

Beetween the line of fear and blame you

will being to wonder why you came...

These ties that bind us...

When I have kids I’m going to do something that I was deprived of my entire childhood so far. I’m going to actually listen to them and I’m going to hear what they say. I am surrounded by people who barely listen let alone hear anything I say.

I am embarking on a journey that will most probably change my life. It is a journey I have been preparing for my whole life. Every humiliation, every moment that made me feel like dirt, all the work I put into fixing myself and my world has led me to this. Yet it is these people that were suppose to help me on my way who I resent the most. For not preparing me enough, for not understanding, for not hearing my screams for help. They failed me, but even more…

I failed them. It is my fault, sometimes I stay up for hours blaming myself, beating myself up for not being who they wanted me to be. I chose a different path. A path they do not understand. A path I cannot expect them to understand. Yet still I am angry… Still I am furious…

When I have kids, they’ll if nothing else at least know what it’s like to be listened to and heard…

Noah's Ark...

Did you ever wonder how to change the world? Or if it can even be done? We can try through political involvement; let our policies shape the future. But that really only marks a certain era, and cannot possibly have a lasting effect.

Do we try to change it with force? Be the new “axis of evil” and what not. But again our actions will impact the short term, while the long term remains untouched.

Do we try by dwelling in the universe or arts? Let our words or works of art shape our next of kin?

The last option is the one I hate the most but in all honesty is the only one I found to be true so far. How to change the world?

One Act of Random Kindness at a time…

From a whisper to a scream...

Secrets are such an inherent part of our lives. They’re like a 10-blade to a surgeon. They’re every bit as dangerous. We keep secrets. We have to. But not all secrets can be kept.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance, and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to. And once we’ve chosen those people we tend to stick by no matter how much we hurt them.

The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need…

We are all on drugs...

Did you ever wonder why people take drugs? I was always fascinated by them. The people who take them, not the drugs themselves of course. If you ask me it boils down to control. When nothing else in your life seems in your grasp to hold on too, you can’t really blame a person for reaching out and taking something which she can control.

But what are drugs anyway? We all know about the classics but the ones that fascinate me more are the hidden ones. The drugs that no one wants to really register as being something that we cling on to feel like we’re control of our lives. I’m talking about things like burying yourself in schoolwork, being the go-to slut, being the jock, the nerd, and the cool people drinking after hours… You know who I’m talking about, you’ve all met them, and you might even be one of them.

We all hide; we all do things to get back the control that was stolen of us. We’re all junkies. But at the end of the day one thing is true: We are all on drugs…

Haunt me everyday...

To this day I still have not figured out how to truly let go of someone. Someone who was there when I grew up, who held my hand as I gazed into the future, who cheered me on even tho I never really showed potential for anything. She taught me right from wrong, she was there when no one else was…

It is that very person that I think about almost every day. But the fact that she is forever lost to me is not what hurts the most. It’s the fact that I never got to say goodbye. I’ve pictured it a thousand times in my head, knowing full well that it cannot come even close to what the real thing would be like. It is something I can never get back and that in itself scared me for life.

I guess I’ll always be haunted by the sheer thought of being able to get even if only one chance to be a part of her life and for her to be a part of mine. But for now all I can do is put her to rest… At least for now…

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…

The becoming...

We all think we're destined to be great. No one thinks he'll turn out just ok. We all fantasies about changing the world - about making a difference. But can it actually be done? Can we have an impact? Or are we condemned to be forgotten? Do we rise up to the occasion or hinder beneath our inability to face our fears. The ultimate question remains: Fight or Flight?

I want to be great. I want to make a difference. I want to change the world. What drives me is the thought of being forgotten, of vanishing, disappearing. Failure is unacceptable. I despise those who give into a life of meaningless. Choosing to be ordinary is like… choosing to be ordinary, choosing to fade away. But I guess in some strange twisted way I envy those who do. They get to just be...