Ready to rock your world...

The sun goes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is where I'm bound, because it finally dawned upon me that I'll never capture my dreams, if I don't take it to the extreme. My knees are weak, arms are heavy, I'm nervous even though on the surface I look calm and ready. Success is my only option, failure is not, so here I go as my shot, realising that this could be the only opportunity that I've got. 

I've come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I'm going, and I've trained myself to love it. Because I've found that only when I'm in mid air, with no landing in sight, I force my wings to unravel and alas begin my flight. And even as I aviate completely blind, I can't shake this overwhelming feeling that wherever I finally make my descent, is exactly where I'm supposed to be. As the winds carry me to distant places, one thing, and one thing only is certain; never before have I so purposely and wholeheartedly chased my wildest fantasies. Who knows, I may even catch them.

Trying to uncover what was purposely lost...

No one ever prepares you for the heartache you feel when you have to say goodbye to the life you were accustomed to, and embrace an existence filled with uncertainty and doubt. But worst of all, no one ever talks about the gaze in the eyes of the people you love, when you say your farewells. I bid adieu to everyone who means something to me, except for one. I'll probably never see you again, so I guess this is all we get. When I talked to you for the first time, I fell in love, and you just smiled, because you knew. And while we were never truly together, you awakened feelings in me that were deep in slumber. The memory of what almost was shall forever remain a part of my deluded soul. I'll listen to it, and try to find a fragment of your voice. Without realising, you impacted my life in ways even I can't fully grasp. You set in motion events, that will alter the very fabric of my existence. And so now here I am, letting go, as countless time before, and as always, with that stupid grin on my face.

Trgam zlato jabolko, kot bi rezal mavrico. Ali bo sonce, ali bo sneg, mene grabi nervozen smeh in rad bi ujel le tvojo dlan, da ne odplavam predaleč stran.

It's always darkest before the dawn...

All that counts is here and now,

because my universe will never be the same.

Dancing with the devil on my back...

So now all the ghouls come out and play,

and every demon wants his pound of flesh,

but I keep some things to myself,

all of my issues are drawn,

it's always darkest before the dawn.

I am done with my graceless heart,

so tonight I'm going to cut it out and then restart.

I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't.

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road,

and I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope,

it's a shot at the dark and right at my throat.

I'm ready to suffer, I'm ready to hope...

Don't you think we ought to know by now? 
Don't you think we should have learned somehow?

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we did not learn a lot, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn anything, at least we didn't fall apart, and if we did crumble beneath the pressure of being alive in a world where dreamers are punished, then at least we have the resolve to claw our way back. And if you somehow find yourself thinking of giving up, then come to me, come to this place we created, for it is here that you shall be accepted without question, prejudice or judgement. Here is where you shall find solace for you broken heart, and the satisfaction of knowing that you are not alone. Here is where our souls forge an entity that transcends existence. Here is where we are home. 

Forced to breathe out the past...

As the morning sunlight wakes me from deep slumber, I am instantly struck with memories of a night I'm not sure I want to remember. I'm becoming the boy I always swore I wouldn't be, yet here he stands, laughing at me, taunting me, because he knows he won. But the thing is, I don't despise this boy anymore, I don't even hate him one bit. I haven't changed, I'm just growing into who I've always been. You see, life comes at you fast. It runs through your body, your veins, and it tries to escape. It wants to break free in anyway possible, sort of like lightning. The journey I've been on, will eminently reach its final stop. So the question remains, where do I go next, and more importantly, do I even have the strength to embark on another one? Fight or flight has never held deeper meaning, never before has it engorged itself so profoundly within my soul. But even if tomorrow doesn't come, today shall be grand, spent, and perhaps even lived.

The man this boy will be...

Dearly beloved, are you listening? Because I need you to understand that I don't feel any shame and I won't apologise. Everything I've done and all the things I'm about to do, are in accordance with who I am. I am faithful to every single word I say, and to all of those I don't. And while this might just be tales of another broken heart, I know I shall not only endure, but thrive, grow above and most importantly move on. Surely to better things, better people, better stories. It's the dream of all dreams, don't you see? One day this dreamer will be writing a story about everyone who left, because he wasn't good enough, and in that very moment they will feel a surge down their spine. So powerful, so loud, for they shall realise that I am the one who got away.

I know I've made it really easy to walk in and out of my life, but somehow I thought you would make different choices, ones that even I would find surprising. But alas, it unravelled as everything before, and like everything yet to be. As I look backwards in time and try to find something, anything really that would explain why I never seem to win the hustle, I find only desolance. Maybe if I had the brains, the money or the muscle things would be easier. I wonder though, if my head would still be stuck in the clouds, full of fantasies that never even had the chance to come true. I wonder if I would still be me.

My heart beats for you, so listen close...

I only pray that you never leave me behind,

because good music can be so hard to find.

Now I dream in colour...

Too bad that you cannot see,

see the man this boy could be. 

Because there is more than meets the eye,

can you find the soul that lives inside?

So here I stand a little taller,

and I'm not lonely when I'm alone. 

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter,

doesn't mean I'm over cause' you're gone.

 I'm not the broken hearted,

because for me, it all just started.

One day I'll be writing for a show,

and you'll just be someone I used to know. 

The future is more than meets the eye...

Perhaps they are right. Maybe I am making the biggest mistake of my life, one I'm bound to regret for the rest of my miniscule existence. Yet here's the thing; I don't want to be one of those people, who refuse to go down a certain path, just because it might lead to disaster. I think we're supposed to fill our journey with every mistake and miracle we can manage, then we're supposed to let go. I wonder how far I can fall, before I break, I wonder how far they would let me jump. Someone once told me that no amount of change is impossible when you refuse to live in the world you are given, and you have the courage to explore the power you have to transform it. Then the impossible becomes a dare, it becomes potential. Brace yourselves, because the war between what was, and what is yet to be, shall be a massacre unlike anything you've seen before.

Starting over, standing taller...

Sometimes circumstances unwind in ways I cannot grasp, and when those moments transpire, the best thing I can do, is be alone. And even though tonight I'm sleeping in solitude and I'm dreaming in colour, I'm not lonely. Because sometimes not even your friends have to know. Sometimes you need to put up walls and examine where you've been and where you're heading. Sometimes the noise of life needs to fade away, leaving only silence, me, myself and I.

There comes a time when the best course of action is to just hurl yourself towards your own destiny. Then you have to be ready to pick up the pieces, when it's all over. Mark my words, there will be bloodshed, lots of it. There will be tears and heartache and extraordinary obstacles to overcome. But I think there will also be joy, and laughter, and perhaps even happiness. It's going to be everything I've ever dreaded and nothing I could have imagined. It's going to be life in its purest form. One worth living. Can you say the same?

Another ghost to follow...

What makes you stay, when your world falls apart, and more importantly, what would have to happen to finally make you walk away? What makes you try one more time, when you know it will only bring pain? Even at the end of the rope, you somehow find hope. Tell me, would you? What makes me unable to breakaway?

I'm not hurt or angry or sad anymore, it's just that I still feel as if there's something more I could do. Yet deep down, I know, I've always known that you'll never be the person I need, and being with you would probably be a mistake I would regret for a lifetime. But even admitting all of these truths, doesn't help me sleep at night. The eagle in the dark, the feathers in the pages, and the monkeys in my heart are rattling their cages, and I'm starting to lose sight of this game we play, one I always seem to lose. 

So here's the deal, I'm just not going to get over you. I tried and it didn't work. So now I'm going to do absolutely nothing about it. I will sit here, thinking of days to come, and maybe sometimes I will steal a glance your way, but other than that you will only exist in my mind, in my heart and on this thing that is not a blog. I'll live on what they send me, and I know the universe will use the things I love against me. I'm falling awake, but that's just the way it goes ...

It's all your fault, you called me beautiful...

The boy who kicked the hornet's nest...

As I turn to meet the power,

turning white and senses dire,

from one extreme to another.

From the summer to the spring,

from the mountain to the air,

from Samaritan to sin,

I'm waiting for the end.

And now I'm alone, and looking out,

I'm looking in, way down

the lights are dim,

so I put my hands into the fire.

Putting my hands into the fray...

Isn't it weird that you always wake up as yourself?

You can try to escape the story of your life, but in truth, you can't. It already happened, and there isn't a thing we can do about it. A heart broke, and nothing was ever the same. I shall know you when we are both old and maybe wise. And I know you now, your story and the journey you had to take to intertwine with mine. It isn't the one I would have chosen at the beginning, yet I'll take it. Because it's my story, only mine. And it's not over, there's still time, so much time.

Late at night visited by dread and shame, I lie in bed and think of somebody else's life. I imagine the love they're getting, and the relief that comes from being really known, the private pleasures they share, the fun they have, and the pressures they don't. I imagine how fulfilled they are, their sense of importance, how rich their life is. And in these moments I feel empty and wanting. Then other nights, I think of those who seem even more lost than me. I imagine all the love they do not have. I see the passion that's missing, the friends they don't know, and the awful reality that crushes them. In those moments I realise how much I have and how much I can give. 

Waiting on a miracle...

I guess you really should be careful what you wish for, because sometimes, when we least expect it, when we've already given up all hope, our dreams do indeed come true. But the thing is, once they do, we actually need to have the courage to see them through. Never have I thought that my existence could get so profoundly complicated and fucked up. What really scares me, is that there's no right decision to make, all of them are mistakes. I guess I just have to figure out which one leads me down a path towards a greater destiny, a plane of hightened awareness, the greatest story. Because if I fall, it might as well be an epic tale.

The broken clock on my wall is a comfort, it helps me sleep at night. Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time. I'm waiting, and I still have my doubts. As I'm falling apart and barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating, I find that in my pain there is healing and in your name I find meaning. I tried my best to be guarded, by I'm an open book instead. My eyes are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life. I'm holding on, because you never know what another day might bring. A miracle perhaps or even more agony and pain. If nothing else, the future has potential. I wonder though, how long I'll be able to convince myself that it does.