He can't forgive, he can't forget...

It's funny how life turns out,

the odds of faith in the face of doubt,

camera one closes in,

the soundtrack starts, the scene begins.

He sits and watches the sea fold in,

and he wonders what might have been,

if he ever had the chance,

would he do it all again?

Birds came flying from the underground...

As tired as I've ever been, and as determined as I ever remember being, I slowly pick up my pen and continue writing. I can't deny there have been so many moments, especially this month, when all I wanted to do, was throw it all away, and try to find something new. But the thing is, I'm far to deep, to ever dig myself out, so I'm really left with no other choice than to stay on my downward spiral, and maybe, just maybe I'll find myself emerged in a completely different world. I'm scared. I really am. And for the first time since I embarked on this journey, I'm doubting the path chosen, and considering the possibility that it might be time to let go. I lean on the people who call themselves my friends, and I hold my current obsession as tightly as I can, only to feel empty and yearning for more, for the life that only exists inside my mind. I guess I bare the curse no exorcism can banish, an illness too dire to cure - I am the boy given wings, yet no where to fly, the boy given a quest, but no reason to try.

Coming back as we are...

It gets harder, more complicated, and inherently more tragic as each day passes by. People come and go as shadows, barely leaving imprints on the world that nurtured them. Is he also just a shade? Simply something to be swept away and forgotten? Gone with the sunlight, forever torn between darkness and tranquillity, fighting off demons that should have been banished long ago, and wallowing in sorrows of seasons past. They never told him that dreamers cause the most damage, because they drift from place to place, from person to person until they find that something, that anything they think can make them whole. He knew it wouldn't be easy, yet he never imagined how hard it would truly be, and how many times he would have to start over, with nothing else but his smile, his tenacity and the sheer hope of maybe one day having it all.

Running in circles...

Right back to the start.

My wings are twisted steel...

I don't think of you a lot,

but when I do, I wonder, why?

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between the person I was, and the reflection I see in the mirror today. The same pale green eyes glare back at me, yet it feels as if a lifetime has passed. I guess the more I'm changing, the more my true self comes to light, and harder it becomes to hide behind the lies I tell myself, and the lies I envenomed others with. While I know I have all kinds of time to reach my dreams, I am as anxious as ever, and as tormented as I ever remember being. This journey towards my greater self, one who can transcend beyond any limitations, is more staggering and rocky than I ever imagined. Though I am no longer waiting for a shock to bring me back to life, I'm still the boy who jumped, hoping he'll sprout wings mid-flight, and the boy who believes that even if he doesn't fly, he'll at least have one hell of a fall.

The seasons never stay the same...

I've been working hard so long,

seems like pain has been my only friend,

my fragile heart's been done so wrong,

I wondered if I'd ever heal again.

I will break these chains that bind me,

I'll leave the past behind me,

I will find my dreams,

today my life begins.

Deep beneath the cover...

He will not hide anymore. He will not be fearful or full of shame. He will not second guess or make up excuses. He will crumble beneath the pressure when he falls and he won't lose balance so quickly when he marches forward. Even if what he does has lost meaning and has been trivialised in ways he never saw coming, he shall not stop or move at a slower pace. He will not feel sorry for himself or try to diminish the importance of where he came from or the magnitude of what he's about to do. In the end it is clear that he will most likely never make it and the dreams he dreams will always remain just as they are - little boxes trapped inside his mind, screaming for release, yet never knowing why.

Some days I don't even trust myself...

Sometimes I feel like such a paradox. I really strive to be happy, and see it as the ultimate ideal, yet there are days when I can't stop thinking of things that make me sad. I'm lazy beyond measure, but also extremely ambitious. I don't really like myself, but in the same breath, I love who I am. I say I don't care, but I truly do, maybe even more than I should. I crave attention almost obsessively, with a keen understanding of how far I can go, yet I wholeheartedly reject it when it comes my way. I feel as if I'm this conflicted contradiction, in constant battle with myself, being torn apart by my dreams, and kept together by my tenacity, in a state of flux, shifting from one mood to the other, trying to find meaning for even the smallest of winds, always the wanderer and never the one who is found.

He will fail, he knows that now. He will fail at being loved, and loving in return. He will fail as your first love, and he will fail as every memory now forever stitched within your mind. He will fail, because that is who he is, that is what his journey is meant to look like. Forever recuperating from deadly blows and sinister strikes, endlessly picking himself up, just to be shot down once more, and infinitely more stubborn as each day passes by. This is the person you fell in love with, the person you gave everything to. A broken heart that never healed, and a defeated boy, who didn't learn how to let go. 

My life, the rise and fall...

Watch me disappear...

I know you're doing this on purpose  To taunt me. To test my resolve and willpower. But know that whatever you might throw at me, with whatever strength you might wield, I shall always find a way. Perhaps in a different form, on a smaller scale, with fewer chances of catching my dreams, but mark my words, I will never back down. Even if there is but a glimmer of hope or a fraction of what was, I will march on. The wounds inflicted were vast and they linger deep within my heart. As I contemplate my next steps, I am left in awe of how you can still surprise me. I really wasn't expecting this, not even for a moment, not even at all. It just goes to show how much I still need to learn. Maybe one day, when I will raise my weapons and succumb to your higher power, you'll let me in on your secret, on your plan. Because as it stands now, I'm more blind than ever.

He awakes from deep slumber, only to find himself exactly where he was, exactly where he wished he'd never be. He is immediately surrounded by the spectres which haunt and the demons which ravage. There is little left to do, little left to say, but draw his steel and fight like he's never fought before. Even if his sword cannot render ghastly figures, and his shield cannot block their hailing claws, he will try and fail, and then try and fail once more, until they are either banished or he falls to his knees, then onto the ground, and closes his eyes, and he is forever no more.

The screams all sound the same...

There's an old voice in my head

that's holding me back,

and I tell it I miss our little talks.

Soon it will all be over,

buried with our past,

how we used to play outside,

full of love and full of life.

Some days I feel like I'm wrong,

even when I'm right.

But even though the truth may vary,

this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.

All I ever wanted was the world...

I can't even believe I'm saying this, but ... I'm stuck again. Stuck between walls I never knew were being built. I guess I was so determined to reach my happy ever after that I wasn't paying attention to the world around me or who I was becoming in the process. And while I'm happier than I can ever remember being, it feels so unfamiliar, so foreign that I'm suffocating myself just to feel the pain I've always been accustomed to. Of course rationally I know that what I'm doing is complete and utter bullshit, yet the pieces of my heart and soul which crave for the stars, show no mercy when sacrifices are demanded of me in order to plummet towards the sky. It seems the very moment I got it all, I started planning on how I'll lose it all, and for what it's worth, I'm sorry. Sorry that I never grew up and that I never stopped dreaming, but most of all, sorry for being everything you ever wanted, and not in the slightest, what you deserve.

I have a feeling I could be someone...

How strange is this life? To be certainly born into uncertain circumstances. Into this beautiful and deeply upsetting world. It's so bizarre to still wonder. Am I my higher self or am I deeper in the mud than ever? Am I an agent for change or a creator of chaos? Am I the fool or am I enlightened? There is only one life, and there's still so much I don't understand. Yet what I know, and what I cherish, is that you can wake up to your greater self. You can be patient, and you can be kind. You can be wise and almost whole. You can walk out of hell and into the light. You don't have to run away your whole life, instead you can choose to live, to change, and you can be that change someone else might need.

It's as if he is running in circles, forever tormented by the shadows of who he once was. He cannot escape their judgement and that is why he is bound to repeat his mistakes until they finally catch up with him. The faces which disappoint and the souls he lets down, are the very ones from seasons ago. The way they act, think, speak, is as they always have. And while they remain the same, he could not be more different, more aware and in the same breath, more clueless than ever. That's just his life, that's just how his journey is meant to unfold - forever in limbo, between the line of fear and shame, he'll always be the boy, who'll wonder why he came.

Live and die this way...

I have a feeling I could be someone.

The boy who jumped, learned how to fly...

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can't remember a time when it wasn't. It engulfed your life in every possible way, and there came a moment when it was just easier to accept it rather than fight it. You carry it with you everywhere you go, and the people you meet can see it in your eyes - how it glares through and consumes everything in its wake. But then one day, as you're going about your normal life, something happens, something that changes you irreparably and forever. Your life suddenly feels different, as if something has shifted. It feels so wrong at first, so out of balance because it's unlike anything you've felt before. And in that instant you realise, you know without a shadow of a doubt, with every fiber of your soul, that you've made it, that you're happy.

Fast enough I could cry...

You got a fast car,

and I want a ticket to go anywhere.

Maybe we make a deal,

maybe together we can get somewhere.

City lights lay out before us,

and I have a feeling I belong,

that I could be someone.