And so I pray...

My body lies frozen within the compounds of these desert wastelands. I should have been so much more than I am now. I should have already embarked on the journey across the world and take steps towards the dreams I cling to - even still - even after everything. I keep trying to find a loophole. A way I could climb through the rubble of the present, push away the encumbrance of current burdens, and set ablaze the life I can no longer sustain. I cannot phantom being in this state much longer, and as I feel my soul and heart erupting, I am struck with paralysing fear. What if this time there is no chance to breakaway? What if I never get to prove you wrong, and stay the person who didn't deserve to be in your life, who wasn't good enough for you to stay? What if she looks down upon me and is disappointed, sighs with regret and lets the reins of her guardianship crumble beneath the magnitude of my failure? What if all of this is completely in vain, falling on deaf ears and cynical eyes, and what if the boy who wants the world, gets nothing - nothing at all?

I can't even begin to explain how exhausted I am. No one ever tells you that chasing your dreams means running until you're out of breath, but pushing on anyway. I can feel the people around me losing patience, finding ways to break the chains which bind our fragile connections, and discard me as detrimentally as their predecessors. I keep writing the same words because I keep living the same stories. Nothing has changed, at least not in ways that would matter. You can go back through the years and read how utterly unconvincing my tale of transformation truly is. There is no growth or change or satisfaction - there are only fantasises imagined and repeated. I wanted things to be different, at least for the sake of all of you. I wanted to come here and share my story of triumph, one of complete dominance over myself. Yet the person before you is far from that reality, yet so close at the same time. Always in limbo, always stuck together, torn apart.

You will always be my wonderwall...

There's so many things I'd like to say,

but I don't know how.

Lights that lead the way are blinding...

Life has caught up with me, and this time there's no more alternatives. I have reached a point when it's time to pay for the mistakes that led me to this very moment. Literally. Sometimes I wish I'd be one of those people who would - if given the chance - unchoose some of their choices, yet as it turns out I will always be the boy who stubbornly believes, believes with all his heart that he is exactly where he's supposed to be. There is no regret in my eyes, for I have lived the stories I wanted, and now as I write them down, I am enveloped with a new sense of understanding for why circumstances unfolded in the ways they did. I understand why I had to leave, and why it was important for me to come back. I understand why you walked away, why you couldn't be my friend, and how it was possible that you never really loved me in the first place. I understand why you decided not to give me another chance, why you threw me out of the car when I needed you to take the wheel. I understand. I truly do. And while your truths might be completely different than mine, and rightfully so, I am in awe how she correctly predicted every step of my journey. If I survive this, the improbable with the impossible, I shall be able to endure anything. This is the moment I need to prove to everyone that I've grown enough to handle these hardships with grace and dignity - with a grin on my face and the faintest of tears in my eyes - with resolve in my step and humility in my heart.

I will hear your call...

There's an endless road to re-discover,

the water is sweet but blood is thicker,

if the skies come falling down on you,

there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do.

Do you still believe in love, I wonder?

Weightless on a winter day...

The last words of a fool...

Our experience is not unique. At some point each and every one of us wakes up in the middle of the night and is haunted by these unimaginably heavy thoughts that we are alone in this finite existence and nobody will ever love us, at least not the way we think we deserve to be loved. We are certain that we shall never again have a peaceful night's sleep, and that we will endlessly wander through the boulevard of loveless souls, hoping desperately our circumstances will improve, yet quietly suspecting, in our heart of hearts that love's curse shall never be lifted and we will remain unloved until the end of our days. He is no different than anyone of you. That is why he will forever write words which have already been written time and time again, for the past keeps collapsing into the present, and the future is never quite enough to dig him out.

Shepherding wolves...

I almost called you yesterday. I'm not sure why, but you came crashing into my consciousness like a tidal wave ready to hit the shore. I had this dreaded feeling that you weren't doing so well, that something went array, and I was overwhelmed by this grand sensation of anger. Even if silence is all that's left of what was once a bond promised to last forever, I still feel so protective of you. Like it's my job to offer you my hand or a shoulder to cry on, like it's my lifelong duty to make sure that you lead the best life you possibly can. I almost dialled the phone, but then I realised that even if you were in distress, you wouldn't want me calling you. You wouldn't care that I care, because you were able to move on so much faster and so much easier than I, and while I'd like to think we were both in this state of agony and disbelief when everything fell apart, the truth is that for you it was simply a burden lifted, and not pain imposed. Surely you are now surrounded by far better people than I ever hope to be. Surely you are loved in ways I wasn't able to, and held as firmly as I should have all those months ago. I guess what I'm trying to say is that despite everything, I'm here. I'm always here.

I somehow manage to understand that it does not matter how far I rise or how much I grow - my path was meant to have bumps in the road. I am supposed to fail, and I am supposed to stumble. Because if I keep pushing myself higher and higher, the law of averages predicts that I will sometimes fall, sprain my body, and be left rotting and alone. Yet I know now there is no such thing as failure - just life trying to move me in another direction. And it's fine if I isolate, and feel bad for a while or if I give myself room to mourn. I have always needed time, a lot more time than most, but I think I've finally realised that all my mistakes, even the ones that knock me off my feet, are there to show me who I'm truly meant to become, who I don't want to be, and who I've been all this time.

If not for me, do it for the world...

Love is our crime...

It's kind of funny how he always comes back to you. It's been over for awhile now, in reality and in his heart, yet for some strange reason he was left with no choice but to fall right back into your arms as if nothing had changed, as if you hadn't let him go when he needed you to stay. When you were naked and lying in each other's embrace, it was clear that what he wrote not so long ago still holds true; you are the one that got away, and he is the one that got away from you. Perhaps the universe will never align in a way that would allow you to live out the relationship you crave for, and maybe that's exactly what this story was always about. The last lesson that needed to be taught, that was required to reshape him once more, to truly mould him into the man he's supposed to be. There are no real answers here, no hidden truths beneath the rubble of disappointment - just two souls forever at arms length, yet constantly clashing into one another - just two stupid hearts afraid to love the one that loves them most.

You are my exception...

I took you at your word,

when you said you'd steal my heart,

and this might sound absurd,

but would you be my thief,

take all of me,

my every part?

I think we might be outlaws...

Today, for the first time in my life, I didn't see her as my parent. I saw her as a human being who has the same fears, doubts, misconceptions and regrets as I do. I saw an individual who was forced upon a path, and no alternative but to live it out. That is, no alternative but me. I can transcend and take them with me. I can succeed where she failed and give her everything she ever dreamt of. I can be the son who sacrifices everything for the sole purpose of repaying a debt that can never be settled. As tears fell down her cheek, the void inside my heart started to gnaw at its exterior. Now I have no choice - I have to do it for her. I have to make sure that she doesn't leave this world without seeing everything she ever dared to phantom in her imagination that I suspect is as wild as mine. Today was the first time I saw her, saw her as a whole that is so much greater than the sum of its parts. She is so beautiful because she survived the existence she truly believed she was supposed to lead. She lived as best as she could, now it's my turn to show her that not only did she do it right - she did it fucking perfectly.

Wanted if you want me...

Lately I've been praying hard...

I'm not good at being who I think I am.

There are days when I feel like I'm not as special, not as talented, not as unique as I imagine I am or would hope to be. I always sensed that I had something to say, something to contribute, something to help fill the void of the world we live in. But perhaps my entire life has led to my current realization, to the acknowledgement that in fact I'm not meant for anything great. Neither grand love nor a meaningful life. Because what was once before me - an exciting, mysterious future - is now behind me. Lived; understood; disappointing. I have struggled into existence, now I am slowly fading out of it. Perhaps this is everyone's experience, a point we all reach at different times. But since I've never been good at letting go, this thing that is not a blog being a complete and utter testament to that, I have decided to ignore the signs, to blindly follow a path that has proven to lead me nowhere, to embrace my naivete and simply go down like only fools can. I shall laugh instead of cry, I shall wallow in pride instead of self-pity, I shall keep on writing even though those who understood and cared are long since gone. 

I'll be counting stars...

The poet and priest of nothing...

And the rain comes down,

there's no pain,

there's no doubt,

it was easy to say,

I believed in you everyday,

if not for me,

then do it for the world.

In your darkest sorrow

did you ever hear me sing?

Listen to me now,

you know I'd rather be alone,

than without you.

Seek it out and you shall find...

Everything is more complicated than you think. We only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice we make, and you can try to destroy your life every time you choose, but maybe you won't know for twenty years, and you may never ever trace it to its source. We only get one chance to play it out, and while they might try to convince you that there is no fate, it exists without a doubt. It's what you create, and even though the world goes on for aeons and aeons, and we are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second, and most of our time is spent being dead or not yet born - we are undoubtedly connected. It's funny how we spend waiting in vain, wasting years for a phone call or letter or something to make it all all-right, yet it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. So we live our moments in vague regret or even vaguer hope that something good will come along, something to make us feel whole, loved, and not so very angry. I wonder ... when that time shall come for me? And more importantly, do I even want it to arrive?

He realized his heart was not like a box that gets filled up, but it expands in size the more he loves. He knows he shall not do so again soon, but the notion that he will be capable of it makes him smile. He will reject it, he will fight it with all his limbs, yet when the right person arrives, he shall simply let it happen. He does not waste wishes on falling stars, or wastes his time dreaming of the arrival of the inevitable, rather, he spends his time becoming someone who will be worthy of even the greatest of love's. He is becoming everything he sought to be - stronger, wiser, kinder, more determined and more beautiful than he'd ever imagine, inside and out. He uses those who left as a cautionary tale for himself, always reminding him what he deserves, and how sometimes his best is not enough, and that's completely fine, because before it lasts in love, it has to hurt instead.