The fault in our stars...

I have found that even the greatest love is essentially fleeting. Life has a way of weaving complex circumstances that make it difficult to recognise who we are, and more detrimentally, who we're becoming. I wanted different things, yet now as I am being steered in the opposite direction, I can't help but wonder if it's by chance or design. Perhaps I need to see the other side before I can fully commit to the path I always thought I would march. Maybe this is the push I need to finally, without excuse, grow up and face life as it is, not as I would want it. My dreams won't just appear out of nowhere - I'll have to work and slave away, and surely sacrifice even more than I can tangibly grasp at this moment in time. I have been defeated and I have rebuilt myself anew, each instance a little greater than before, yet as the sun sinks into the ocean, I find that no amount of change can change the fact that I was shattered to pieces, before I even knew what it meant to be whole.

I'll be your burning sun...

Vse kar sem kadarkoli potreboval,

je zgolj bistrino vedenja,

da nisem tako zelo sam.

We're halfway there...

How to get away with murder...

I have plotted my course, even though I am more uncertain than ever where it might lead. It was not easy to get here, and I imagine it will be even harder to more forward, yet I am left with little choice but to dash as fiercely and wholeheartedly as I can. The strands of time show no mercy, and with each passing day it feels as if my dreams and aspirations drift further away. Sometimes I am stricken with this debilitating sense that perhaps I am not bound for greatness - neither in love or in life. Maybe I will be simply the boy in the middle, whose voice is too quiet to hear, his hands too short to reach, his gaze too distorted to see, and his mouth too shut to speak. Maybe this is the ending, or at least the beginning of the end - the collapse of the boy who was promised the moon, wished for the stars, then couldn't even reach the clouds.

He will love you as profoundly as he loved her, and he shall try his best to ease the demons that try to convince him otherwise. He will be calm and patient and kind. He will forgive, he will be forgiven, and most importantly, he shall rise above the pain of the past. He will not let it control him, dictate his behaviour or eclipse the sunlight in his heart. He will live with the choices he is making this very second, even if they are not the brightest or the best - they are his alone, and so only his to regret. Then as he will stand there, staring at the life he's leaving behind, he is going to have to accept that it's gone, it's lost - just like you. All that will be left to do, is to remain very still, breathe in the moment and try to be open to wherever the wind is going to take him next.

I'm seeing heaven...

Oh, won't you stay with me?

Because you're all I need,

this is more than love, it's clear to see,

oh darling, won't you stay with me?

The map that leads to you...

I am learning to accept the different forms life and love can come in. There are no predetermined rules or ways of conduct. You can love me in ways I never fathomed, and you can do so with a calm that I never expected I would be able to internalise. You are good for me, because you teach me how to be a better, more rounded person. One who isn't afraid to trust or let himself be unburdened by the expectations of others. We form our own bond. We define it, shape it, make it strong, and we do so simply because we want to, never driven by greed or selfishness. The beauty of it, is that it is fragile and indestructible at the same time. We are always at the brink of collapsing, yet at the verge of lasting forever. You are my ultimate lesson. One that shall teach me how to live - come ruin or rupture, salvation or bliss, you are nothing I imagined, but everything I dreamt.

You're just a hideaway, you're just a feeling...

Admitting is the first step...

I want to stand by your side, because I know this must not be easy. I try to hold your hand as you navigate through the rubble that has become your life. I try to support you, encourage you, be patient with you, but there are moments, the darkest times, when my minds strays to thoughts of leaving you behind. I wonder if that would make me weak or simply selfish? If I'd regret my decision, and if I'd miss you. The bond we created never seemed so fragile, and while I pray and hope for a different outcome, I sense that as always, this story will consist of an ending I can see from miles away, yet still, it will knock me off my feet.

As he fakes the faintest of smiles, and tries to suppress every fibber of his being from imploding from the sheer pressure of holding on to someone who does not want to be held, he realises that some battles can only be fought by losing, and conceding retaliation. He shall turn the other cheek, and wait for you to realise by yourself that you have been unfair. That the boy laying beside you, is in fact, not nearly a boy, but a man. A man who deserves every ounce of your respect, of your time, of your resolve to be loved. You will not banish him by being distant, you shall do so by being ignorant of the fact that he is already gone. And when he is no longer in your arms, his absence won't be felt like a tidal wave sweeping across the shore, destroying everything in its wake. Rather, you shall miss him like a breeze on a sunny day - as if you never needed him, yet somehow, can't live without. 

My leap of faith...

Let your soul free...

He shall remain silent and simply listen to the beat of your heart. He will look into your eyes and feel content with the love he feels and the love he is given. He will smile when you make him laugh, and he shall try his darnedest to make every moment you spend with him, a memory you shall always hold dear. He will strive to be the best person he can - in all aspects of life. He will surely make mistakes but he won't be afraid to apologise for them. He will hold you with resolve, for he wants you to feel safe, to feel invincible - like together you could move mountains and find shelter beneath them, where you could spend the rest of your days, doing nothing, nothing at all. He will not dread of ruining this, but try to enjoy the moments as they come, and try to realise that the road ahead is long and steep, yet all he needs to overcome it, is the grace of letting circumstances unfold, and your hand in his. 

Forever is not enough...

Always searching for love in the wrong places,

always find yourself surrounded by familiar faces,

you'll never learn if you never let life teach.

Let your soul free,

let your mind breathe,

and let your heart see, 

that you will never feel the wind

if you don't fly,
that you will never love,
if you won't try.

The ramblings of a broken heart...

Make me levitate...

This is the part when I break free.

What if for once, even when everything falls apart, I'd be completely fine? What if I wouldn't breakdown, cry, try to transform? What if I simply let things go, and accept that the life I want, was never truly mine to have? What if I'd be able to move on without hesitation or regret, without pause or agony, without hysteria or psychosis? What if all I need, all I've ever needed is a piece of paper, a pen, and the resolve to write down anything, anything at all? As I ponder these questions, and as my future hangs in balance, I find that the road ahead has more to do with what I'm willing to gain, than what I need to sacrifice. Tears won't get me anywhere - neither will a broken heart not willing to heal. These are the moments I have to be the strongest, the wisest, the most susceptible to the good, and most resistant to the bad. Each day passes as a totally different life, and I am left speechless by how, after all this time, there is hope. There is always hope.

Can't resist it anymore...

A new dawn is upon us. One where he can fly and spend his days floating just above the clouds. One where there is no regret, no angst or repressed feelings. One where he can love you and you can love him unburdened with the past. One where he can write and be heard, where he can speak and people listen, where he can grasp the meaning of your thoughts and understand them as profoundly as you do. A new life is being built - a new Karr. Once again, as his ashes are being spread across a burial site, he prepares to wake anew. Someone you have not met before. Someone who can make you smile by smiling, who can make you happy by being happy, and who can make you love by loving. Someone who isn't afraid, who knows what he wants, and what he deserves. Someone you will gaze at and be in owe of, look up to, and admire. Someone that can be your friend even when you believe you don't deserve any. Someone who shall find the words, which will answer every question he's ever had, and they will be simple. 

I've got my ticket for the long way round...

Somehow I went astray...

The life he leads is not unique. It is not of added value or in anyway meant to be significant. Because as reality crumbles every dream he has ever dreamt, he slowly has to start abiding by the laws of averageness. He no longer looks in the mirror and sees someone who wants to move mountains, all he bares witness to is a shell of a dreamer - a boy who was promised the moon, yet somehow couldn't make it past the clouds. He has failed at everything he has ever tried, and now he is left with no other choice but to accept that, above all else, he is ordinary. He is the person you pass on the streets everyday. Someone who cannot be found, for he is no longer an individual, but one of them, just an insignificant part of a large sum. He is not brave, he is not hopeful. All he remains is content that his life shall pass and with it the memory of a boy who shared with you his soul, with the sole purpose of feeling connected, and perhaps, not so very alone. 

I miss the life I never got to live. I miss the people I would hug, and those that would hug me back. I miss kissing you. I miss simply being us, laying in the grass, trying to figure out what the hell we're doing here. I miss the smell of rotting leaves, and how they sway as a light breeze keeps us from falling asleep. I miss how you used to make me feel like I could do anything or be anyone. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've realised I have quite a few regrets, and the road I have embarked upon holds little promise of salvation. I have to pay my dues and do so with my head held as high as possible, because I am afraid that if I don't pretend everything is fine, I'll break right here and now, for everyone to see. I miss the way my fantasy could conjure practically anything, and that within these imagined worlds I could find peace and the serenity of knowing that one day I will do good in this life. I miss who I was, but most of all, I miss who I had the potential to be.