Be my breath through the deep...

The waves broke and spread their waters swiftly over the shore. One after another they massed themselves and fell; the spray tossed itself back with the energy of their fall. The waves were steeped deep-blue save for a pattern of diamond-pointed light on their backs which rippled as the backs of great horses ripple with muscles as they move. The waves fell; withdrew and fell again, like the thud of a great beast stamping.

I was surrounded by friends, my work was immense, and pleasures were abundant. Life, now, was unfolding before me, constantly and visibly, like the flowers of summer that drop fanlike petals on eternal soil. Overall, I was happiest to be alone; for it was then I was most aware of what I possessed. Free to look out over the rooftops of the city. Happy to be alone in the company of friends, the company of my love and also strangers. Everything, I decided, in this life, was pure pleasure. Summer, after all, is a time when wonderful things can happen to quiet people. For these few months, you’re not required to be who everyone thinks you are, and that cut-grass smell in the air and the chance to dive into the deep end of the ocean gives you courage unlike any other - ready to face anything, ready to face everything.

It comes and goes in waves...

Watching the birds flying free...

The most crucial truths are always rejected before they're accepted. It's one of our greatest human flaws: arrogance. We look up and dare to assume we know, when the universe is unknowable. We are strong, tempered like steel in the fire and by the blows of the hammer of life. Nothing will break us again, only make us stronger and more whole. Perfection is the pride of those who have not lived, who know not these things in their arrogance. They remain the same - raw and without form. The hammer never touches them, and they lie on the shelf, gathering dust, slowly tarnishing and fading and crumbling. the blows in the fire refine us into bright shining glory for the roles we play in life - until we are one with the anvil, becoming immune to life's little knocks, and smile at it.

Something to get off my chest...

My God, amazing how we got this far,

it's like we're chasing all those stars,

who're driving shiny big black cars.

So tell me what you want to hear,

something that will light those ears,

I'm sick of all the insincere,

so I'm going to give all my secrets away.

A beating heart of stone...

My grain of sand...

As if I feared that the scope of what I could feel and imagine was being quietly limited by the world within a world. The things outside were becoming further from me, and everything inside it seemed piercingly relevant. It was just happening, like time, like geography. It seemed so inherently endless that it didn't occur to me what wasn't there. My appetite was so gigantic that if something was shrinking, something immeasurable, how would I notice? Most of life happens elsewhere, though, and I think it always will; eating and aching and sleeping and loving ... yet it's not impossible to imagine loosing my appetite for those things; they aren't always easy, and they take so much time.

It's going to be a good, good life...

Coming back made me feel like a kid again. Did anything change? Will people still like me? Will I fail or rise to the occasion? If nothing else, the butterflies in my stomach proved that despite what it may seem at times, I am indeed on the right path. Not really sure where it's going to lead, but the journey itself feels like I'm walking towards my destiny. All that could be bullshit, though. Who the fuck knows at this point. Pardon the vulgarities. The last few months have taken quite a toll. But fear not, come ruin or rapture, I march on with my head held high.

Maybe that's what growing up means, in the end - you go far enough in the direction of - somewhere - and you realise that you've neutered the capacity of the term home to mean anything. We don't get an endless number of orbits away from the place where meaning first arises, that treasure-house of first experiences. What we learn, instead, is that our adventures secure us in our isolation. That as we navigate the world, we are bound to find that despite an overwhelming amount of connections, at the end of the day we are in fact alone. Experience revokes our licence to return to simpler times. It forces us to see the world for what it is, and to accept the fact that sooner or later, there's no place remotely like home.

It was a beautiful lie...

Something just like this...

I've been reading books of old,

the legends and the myths,

Achilles and his gold,

Hercules and his gifts.

Spiderman's control,

and Batman with his fists,

and clearly I see myself upon that list.

Close your eyes and you might believe...

I sat near the shore and imagined what my life is going to be like. All the things I will still get to do, the people I'll meet, those I will love and those who shall love me. I pictured how I'll get married and raise a family. How I'll achieve my dreams and attain the respect and prestige I crave for. I dared to conjure up a world where I am infinite. Where the words I write and the connections I make echo into the universe and last beyond eternity. I relish such thoughts even if I know they are misguided, for if anything our journey is finite and forever ticking away. It makes me smile though, believing that perhaps, against all common sense, I might be the one exception - the man to defy life itself.

Time and time again...

As I gazed at the sun melting into the ocean I realised that despite what it may seem and what my heart was telling me, tomorrow shall indeed come. And when it does, I will no longer hold on to any feelings of regret and disappointment - what had transpired, while all to familiar, is a pattern my life has thrown at my many a times. I may struggle with the why and how, yet the fact remains that if anything, my journey has been mostly about walking away from things not meant for me. So this is the last you'll hear of this, of how once again fate and circumstance deluded one of my relationships. How I welcomed the toxicity of another in hopes of atoning for my previous sins. Alas, no more; no more anger, no more resentment, no more understanding - simply the peace of mind of knowing that life, in spite of everything, goes on.

Rolling up my sleeves...

Tell me I won't wash away...

One touch and I ignite...

Quitting is not giving up, it's choosing to focus your attention on something more important. Quitting is not losing confidence, it's realising that there are more valuable ways you can spend your time. Quitting is not making excuses, it's learning to be more productive, efficient and effective instead. Quitting is letting go of things or people that are sucking the life out of you so you can do more things that will bring you strength.

Going against everything his heart was telling him to do, he took a step back again, creating the distance they clearly wanted. He had to stay resolute. It was less painful this way. Letting them go had to be less painful. And he had to do it while he still had the conviction. He was used to facing things alone and this was no different. He didn’t need them. He needed anything but them if he was going to get his life back on track. He had no choice but to run away from his broken heart. If any more threads that held it together were cut, he wasn’t sure it would ever repair again. And he knew they were more than capable of being the ones to ruin him.

A million little pieces...

Let the darkness lead us into the light,

let our dreams get lost, feel the temperature rise.

Baby, tell me one more beautiful lie,

like a starship speeding into the night.

You and I get lost in the infinite lights,

baby, tell me one more beautiful lie -

one touch and I ignite.

Forgive my sins...

The leap of faith is this: you have to believe, or at least pretend you believe until you really believe it, that you are strong enough to take life face on. Because if anything, we are meant to be tested and pushed to our limits, so that we are ready when there comes a time in our life, when we have to walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who do not. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.