My saviour's love is real...

Here we are, and here I go. It's stranger than I thought, because I keep reading what I am supposed to feel, and people keep telling me how they felt and none of those things seem to equate my state of being. I am neither here, nor there. I am not sad or regretful, anxious or frightful, nor feel proud or accomplished. I look around the life I have built, fantasise about how I will one day rule the world, then put things in the washer and make coffee I don't drink but my lover does. I take solace in what has become a Sunday morning ritual of sorts, and I don't think I would mind, if I had to do this forever. I wouldn't mind at all.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm quite alright. I am in awe actually, because I finally understand what a difference a decade can make. Unimaginable changes with paths unknown before. That makes me hopeful. Not that anything drastic has to change, but the thought that it can, as it did in the past, electrifies me. So come say hi, stay a little. Reminisce about what was, and make a toast for everything that could yet be. Without a doubt, I am still afraid of dying, to be forgotten and washed away into the abyss. The thought of not existing, sometimes makes me weep - just in private though. I would never admit that out loud. So as I inch ever closer to whatever awaits beyond the curtain, I'll remember to keep breathing and with all my might, try to hold on to the love that set me free.

A tourist in a dream, a visitor it seems...

Life itself means to separate and to be reunited, to change form and condition, to die and to be reborn. It is to act and to cease, to wait and to rest, and then to begin acting again, but in a different way. To discover something that had not existed before or had yet to be truly discovered. And there are always new thresholds to cross: the threshold of summer and winter, of season or a year, of a month of a night; the thresholds of birth, adolescence, maturity and old age; the threshold of death and that of the afterlife - for those who believe in it.

If love is the answer, you're home...

Feeling feelings I've never felt...

… there is also an underlying, less specific fear - what some might call an ontological or existential anxiety - that shrouds our days and seeps into our dreams. We feel empty and seek meaning. We feel distraught and seek calmer seas. We yearn and know not what we yearn for. We can sense a future where we are free of these burdens. Where we somehow transcend past our frivolous lives that we get to lead. There is a black hole at the centre of our understanding that engulfs and crushes our every attempt to explore it. Something is missing.

Shining just the way we are...

I got you, moonlight, you're my starlight,

I need you all night, come on, dance with me.

I believe that you're for me, I feel it in our energy,

I see it written in the stars,

we can go wherever, so let's do it now or never -

baby, nothing's ever, ever too far.

Just breathe against the glass...

Glitter in the sky, glitter in my eyes...

You will struggle. You will fall down. You will be hated. You will face many defeats. You will be mocked. You will be alone. The world will not give you recognition. The world will not give you, your due. Against all odds, if you still persist and create your art, it will be a victory! It will be your victory. Finally, you will win.

I often ask myself; how is it possible to view every challenge as an opportunity and face the challenge head-on expecting the outcome to be in my favour, always. Is it about outlook? About hope? Faith or perspective? I know that the first rule of any game is to assume you can win, even if you have to hunt through the universe's cracks for a strategy, even if you have to turn the pieces inside-out, even if you have to tell so many lies to the opponent that they couldn't figure out which way was up. And then it's important to pause to celebrate those victories, no matter how small, because that is what gives you courage to fight the really big battles, the ones you have to fight even though there's no chance of winning.

A flock of seagulls...

Life isn't fair or unfair. It's simply apathetic. It gives what it will, and takes as easily as well. There is no grand scheme or thought process. It is driven by chance and indifference. You are not special because you are lucky, nor are you cursed because you keep failing. It doesn't matter what we believe we are owed or what we deserve. Life and fate offer no sympathy - they simply marvel at the chaos of being utterly random and unpredictable. Bad things happen to good people all the time, and it seems the worst of us, somehow become the best. I am done trying to find fairness. At least in life … anyway. 

Space age love song...

Buried under six inches of white...

We were love drunk, waiting on a miracle,

trying to find ourselves in the winter snow,

so alone like the world had disappeared.

I won't be silent and I won't let go,

I will hold on tighter 'til the afterglow,

and we'll burn so bright 'til the darkness softly clears.

You could've told me that you fell apart...

Why do you weep, child? We of the fleeting world live only for the moment ahead, giving all our time to the pleasures dreaming and fantasy, the calling of a cricket, the beauty of the moon, waning and growing and being reborn, singing our songs and drinking whiskey, knowing how our lovers smell and the touch of silks, caressing for pleasure, and drifting, always drifting. Listen, child: never sad, always drifting as a lily on the current in the stream of life. How lucky you are, to be the calm eye of the storm where nothing phases you. So focus on your centre to remain balanced, let your life flow like a stream of wind,

Save your tears...

Perhaps the greatest inadequacy our minds possess is the ability to cope with pain - with some options being worse than others. First is the door of sleep. It offers us a retreat from the world and all its agony. It marks the passing of time, giving us distance from the things that have hurt us. 

Second is the door of forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. As it so happens, many memories are simply too excruciating, and there is no healing to be done. The saying "time heals all wounds" is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door. Third is the way of madness. There are times when the mind is dealt such a blow it hides itself in insanity. There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Last is the door of death. The final resort. Nothing can hurt us after we are dead, or so we have been told. 

Will it even matter...

The first of many mysteries...

Weapon ready, he heads out into the dark. Frost slips down his chin. The bonus? I want to get rid of everything. My valley of secrets. Intact only by the sheer will of my persistence. "Rather death, than complacency", he thought. During the night, I could hear him so very clearly. Dad? Cradle me like you once did. The luxury of unconditional love. Is it unfair? Okay if it is. His asthma is coming back - now almost out of breath. Her laptop holds the last piece of information. Twenty pieces of information, to be exact. His choice is simple. A walnut falls on his head, as he continues to stumble through the damp forest. "Embark my love", he heard her whisper. Your initial instinct was right. Open yourself to possibility. Legend has it that is the only way forward. Quit now, and you'll always regret it. His glance was full of hope.

I can barely help myself...

 

Drivers licence...

Some things just go better together,

and probably always will.

Like a cup of coffee and a sunrise,

Sunday drives and time to kill.

What's the point of this ol' guitar

if it ain't got no strings?

Or pouring your heart into a song

that you ain't gonna sing?

It's a match made up in heaven,

like good ol' boys and beer

And me, as long as you're right here.