Our last night...

I've come to be quite dependant on the feeling of relief. I see it as the emotional and physical reward I receive from my body, when I am finally able to let go of pain, pressure and struggle. A moment in time when I really get to bask in the lack of the negative. And yet, as I realise that it's become sort of a constant in my life, I wonder if relief is actually just the status quo, a negation of my suffering, a nothing in itself. It is the way things were before the pressure and struggle began. In a sense it's a step backwards. Nothing is gained, so why was it there in the first place?