Smelling like a bonfire, lost in a haze...

Coming back is always so exhausting. Especially when you are now forced to face reality. The burden of imminent defeat. The calamity of unwavering disappointment. My best try is severely lacking, that I can admit. I guess it's my best under very strenuous circumstances. Not at all ideal. My heart's in it, I'm maybe just not willing to sacrifice enough. I'm not even that afraid of failure. The last years have hardened me for any sort of stumble, so this fall shouldn't hurt that much. I guess in a way I am testing my karma. My power of manifestations. Where are the limits? Where does my good grace end? And how far I've come in accepting that some things are just not meant for me.