I need some help...

But this thing that almost surely won't ever be, still beckons, even though I secretly want it to end. Or at least progress to be freed from this agonizing limbo. I know I won't be able to unwrite this failure, never unlive it, or relive it - it will remain stuck here like a vision of fireflies on a summer field toward evening. Could I have had something else instead? Something that would lead me down a more steady path? Where moving ahead wouldn't be false, and looking the other way would be just a fun pastime. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there might be another life out there. Another life that I might have had, but I am having this one.