I see everything true...

It's not that I ever expected much from my birthday. It was never something that was all that important to me. But today, as I am literally more in shambles than I've ever been in my adult life, I could really use a bit of birthday magic. I'm not a bad person. I didn't act maliciously. And I sure as hell didn't want any of this. So what is the way out? To cave in to a bully? Or to fight a losing battle? Or just give up, and move on? Or march on towards what is just? I wish she were here right about now. She'd know what to say, how to act, and tell me that despite it all, I am going to be okay.

There's a light on the road...

With a haunting dance...

Če je kje usoda,

naj udari,

naj pokaže smer.

Suppose, after all, that death does end all. Next to eternal joy, next to being forever with those we love and those who have loved us, next to that, is to be wrapt in the dreamless drapery of eternal peace. Next to eternal life is eternal sleep. Upon the shadowy shore of death the sea of trouble casts no wave. Eyes that have been curtained by the everlasting dark, will never know again the burning touch of tears. Lips touched by eternal silence will never speak again the broken words of grief. Hearts of dust do not break. The dead do not weep. Within the tomb no veiled and weeping sorrow sits, and in the rayless gloom is crouched no shuddering fear.

Spending my time wondering why...

The last few words of your life...

Pay the toll to the angels,

drawing circles in the clouds.

Keep your mind on the distance,

when the devil turns around.

Hold me in your heart tonight,

in the magic of the dark moonlight,

save me from this empty fight,

in the game of life.

The game of life...

Maybe it would be much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change, but sadly, life doesn't stop for anybody. And I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You have to do things and I'm going to do what I want to do. I'm going to be who I really am. 

Now I just need to figure out what exactly "being who I really am" means. I could sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.

I'm having wicked dreams...

Usually, he walks around constantly believing in himself. He keeps repeating that he's okay, and that everything will be fine. He even adopted a mantra. Something he repeats to himself like a prayer anytime he's feeling overwhelmed or too riddled with fear. But there comes a time when even his mumblings cannot save him from the dire shifts life can throw at him. Because sometimes the truth arrives on him, and he can't get it off. That's when he realizes that sometimes it isn't even an answer - it's a question. Even now, he wonders how much of his life is just convincing himself that it will somehow turn out just fine. 

I'll picture us with the waves...

Back and forth likе a swinging door...

Didn't want to call it too early,

now it seems a world away.

I've learned that this ridiculous thing we call life will hit you hard in the face, then wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. Can't even remember when I last spent the whole week in bed, but getting the wind knocked out of me reminded my lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt here that cannot be fixed by band-aids or literature. It came together with the realization that, at my age, there wasn't anyone coming to save the day. But do I have to wear the cape all by myself? Because no matter how wide I stretch my fingers, my hands will always be too small to catch all the pain I want to heal. Believe me, I've tried.

Tomorrow is like yesterday...

Feel the fade...

I've been upside down,

I don't want be the right way round,

can't find paradise on the ground.

All I do is hide away.

All I do is play it safe.

All I do is live inside a cage.

All I did was fail today.

All I wanna be is whites and waves.

Something's gone terribly wrong...

Some people say there are true things to be found, some people say all kinds of things can be proved. I don't believe them. The only thing for certain is how complicated it all is, like a string full of knots. It's all there but hard to find the beginning and impossible to fathom the end. The best you can do is admire the cat's cradle, and maybe knot it up a bit more. History should be a hammock for swinging and a game for playing. Claw it, chew it, rearrange it, and at bedtime, it's still a ball of string full of knots. Nobody should mind. 

That's the thing, isn't it, when you grow with time, you learn to value it. You safeguard your peace from anything that seems to pull it down, even if that means transient happiness. He learned long back that life is a series of lessons, some bitter and well, some very, very bitter, but all of them assimilate into something so serene, so beautiful actually when looked from a distance. Because each time you're broken, you're made once again, some from the pieces that lay scattered on the ground while some entirely new coming from all across the sky. True serenity lies in knowing that life has been kind, even at the battles that were thrown along the way, and eventually letting your heart know that the biggest war you'd ever face is within. 

You know I'm impatient...

It is not the world that is scary. It is his perception of it. New opportunities are terrifying. But they're also blessings. Uncertainty holds the chance for him to gain so much. For him to finally do something different and to grow in unprecedented ways. He's too precious to wait around. He can go first. He can be bold enough to disclose his warmest thoughts and his most passionate expressions. They'll always guide him toward what he's worthy of. And they'll finally show him that his feelings, his needs, and his emotional depths matter and that his boldness will inspire others to change, too.

His final odyssey...

If this world were mine...

One day I finally knew what I had to do, and began, though the voices around me kept shouting
their bad advice and though the whole house began to tremble and I felt the old tug at my ankles. Mend my life, each voice cried. But I didn't stop. I knew what I had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as I left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which I slowly recognized as my own, that kept me company as I strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing I could do, determined to save the only life I could save.

I don't know how to act...

I checked my pulse,

and my heart's still beating.

Exhale, I think I'm still breathing.

Both feet on the ground,

 but something's changed.