Game over...

Just when I think things can't possibly get worse, a day like today comes along and once again proves me wrong. I need to get out. I'm probably too late. But if I don't try I'll never know. It's done. If I come back, if She allows me to come back, I'll make things right. But for now all I can do is run. Run and never look back...

Barely hanging on...

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long, and when the dam bursts, all we can do is swim. Because here's the thing; we are tired, we are scared and we have no idea what to do. Denial does not change that. Sooner or later we have to put it behind and face the world head on, gun's blazing...

There is a tide in the affairs of men. Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. But omitted, and the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat, and we must take the current when it serves, or lose the ventures before us...

Break on through...

I just found out possibly the biggest thing ever - denial is the key to everything. Deny that you're tired. Deny the fact that you're scared. Deny how badly you want to succeed. And most importantly deny that you're in denial...

It really does work. I mean if you see only the things that you want to see and believe only what you want to believe, you basically lie to youself so much, that after a while the lies start to take over and they seem like the truth. Denial allows us to create our own reality, our own world, and what could be better than that?

At this point I'm willing to try anything. I mean, what's there left to lose? At least this way I'll know that I did absolutely everything, in my power. No regrets. No looking back. Time is running out...

The kindness of strangers...

Sometimes the biggest changes in our life come as result of an impulsive decision. When you're so desperate that you think there is nothing left to do. But even if we try as hard as we can and run with our choice till the very end, things still rarely change the way we want to. But the way some things never change shines a light on those small things that do...

Like when a new person comes into your life and suddenly things don't seem so scary anymore. A person that in a strange way reminds you of yourself. And that very same person represent a breath of fresh air in your life and makes you see things differently, more clearly. But the most important thing to remember is that when you see yourself in someone else, they're not actually you. In fact most of the time, they're who we wish we had the courage to be...

What a wonderful lie...

Don't be afraid I'm not lonely...

Don't wait I won't be lonely...

I don't fear I'll go under...

I'm closer, closer to my life...

The ultimate test...

Where does it come from? This quest... This need to solve life's mysteries... When the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? Why do we dream? What happens when we die? Because we aren't able to answer any of those questions, we all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny, capable of determining our own fate; when we rise and when we fall...

Sometimes questions are more powerful than answers. We hold on to them and use them as weapons. They can strike someone down harder than any other blow. What are you? Why you and not others? Why now?

A battle of what exists and what is yet to be born is underway...

I'm the best you'll ever have...

The countdown...

You remember a while back, when I realised that there are some things we simply can't control and we can only get them, if someone up there decides to make it all come true? Well... I changed my mind. All that is bullshit. Screw him. Who is he to tell me what I can or cannot have, who I can and cannot be? I'm taking things into my own hands. I've set myself a goal. I am going to work towards it. I'm going to push myself until the very end...

The game is on. Me versus him - god almighty, mother nature or whoever is in charge up there. The ultimate battle has begun. Counting on him to level the playing field was probably the biggest mistake I ever made... Well maybe not the biggest but it's definitely way up there. I can do it myself. I've done it before, and I'm going to do it now. Game on...

Dying changes everything...

For as long as I can remember I've been able to sleep through anything - storms, sirens, you name it. Last night, I didn't sleep. It started with a superficial glance at my past, but as soon as I started thinking about everything, about everyone, it wasn't too long till my mind wandered to thoughts of Her. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that we went through. Memories of our shared experiences are always so surreal and ecstatic. All but one...

I know it wasn't my fault, I realise that what I did, wasn't why She passed away, but still. Her scream still echoes in my head. Her face of unimaginable pain haunts my dreams. The rush of emotions I felt, linger to this very day...

While bundled up in my bed, reliving everything and at the edge of tears, I admitted something to myself, something that I ran away from all this time. I realised that She could never forgive me for what I did and that I could never forgive myself. The worst part was that right at that moment, right then, I fell asleep. I fell asleep like countless times before, yet this time, I knew that when I'd wake up, everything would be different...

Living the dream...

I'm looking at it. It's right infront of my face. I can smell its stench. I can almost taste it. It represents everything. It symbolizes my entire life. I'm not sure how to live in a world where I don't have it. Without it I cease to exist...

I reach out to grab it. I clench my fist to claim it. Is it there? Do I have it? Is it enough for this world that claims I'm crazy? Will it be enough to set me free?

I did something that I'm not proud of. That probably deterred my chances. My chances of getting it. Why would I do that? It makes no sense. It is completely irrational. Selfsabotage...

I reach out to grab it. I'm afraid. I'm mortified. I'm not sure what scares me most. Getting it, or losing it forever. Will either be enough to set me free?

So close...

Under my skin...

I never meant to cause you trouble

I never meant to do you harm

my mind sores of all the stupid things I've done...

Don't ask, don't tell...

The universe is here to give us signs. Signs show us who we're suppose to become, they point us to the choices we're suppose to make when we stumble upon a crossroad, they help us figure out what the future holds. The guy up there who's in charge of my omens is quite possibly drunk. He's all over the place, literally spining me around with a bag over my head making me completely lose my sense of balance, sense of direction, sense of who I am...

All the dizziness wouldn't be so bad if I knew that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I would accept all this madness of misconceived signs, if She gave me a break at least this once and show me what it all means, who I am destined to become. But I know her to well, there's no way in hell She's going to do that. And in some twisted way I get it. Where's the fun in knowing? The magic of everything, the magic of our human experience would be gone the second we would realise where the road is leading us...

Being brave enough to take that leap of faith, of walking in the dark, is what it's all about. Maybe that's just some sort of rationalization I clinge to, to somehow make it all seem ok. But maybe, just maybe I got it right...

The monkey has gone to heaven...

Hit by hit... Pain after pain... 

Eye for an eye... Death after death...

There is no other way...

People who say they don't have any regrets in life are full of bull. Every single one of us wishes she could change something, even if just a tiny bit of ones past, if given the chance. The hard part, is indentifying those moments, moments that changed your life, moments that led you to where you are today. Those are the moments most of us look back to and think; what if I made a different choice? How would that impact my life?

I have a long list of regrets, but to be honest, I'm not so sure I would be willing to change anything. I mean if I did somehow manage to do that, go back in time and slap myself before something idiotic came out of my mouth, I wonder how that would effect the present. Would I still be me? Would you still be you?

At the end of the day, regret is a funny thing. It symbolizes the choices everyone wishes could be different. It stands for all those things we are ashamed of, it is all those things that made us who we are...

An honest opinion...

Ever hear the expression that we can sometimes have our cake and eat it too? Well the thing they don't tell you is that it's a lot harder than it sounds. It may be that we're just to demanding and because our expectations are so high we automatically asume we should get to have it all...

But to be honest I haven't really met anyone who actually got to have her cake and eat it too. I guess that in all our disappointment, we usually find something that allows us to redirect our efforts, to change the way we think, to change the way we look at things, to change who we are...

Change... We don't like it, we fear it, and we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt or we get left behind. It really hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's the truth; sometimes change is good... Sometimes change is everything...

A multitude of casualties...

Did you ever try really hard to impress certain people? Well I've worked my ass of for the last 3 years, thinking of almost nothing else than looking good in their eyes, being accepted into their world, being able to stand side by side with them and be treated as their equal. Now after all this time, I finally gained their respect, and as I gazed into them as we stood on the same level of the playing field, I saw something I never did before. It was like my judgement of these individuals had been clouded by my idealisation of what they represented...

The sad thing is that it's quite possible that they don't realise how pathetic they truly are. But now that I've seen their true colours, I can break free of their grip over me. Now the question remains; do I want to be set free at all? I mean if I stay under their chains, and at the same time know that those chains are merely fictional, they would still believe I am not a threat, the illusion they live in would remain intact, which would allow me to take control over everything, without them even knowing and when they would start to grasp what happened it would be to late...

I think it boils down to what kind of person I want to be. One that conspires, deceives and manipulates or someone who is honest, decent, kind... Who would She want me to be?