No rest for the wicked...

Life has killed the dream I dream...

The long walk home...

I'm almost ready. The much needed isolation is slowly getting to me. I hope they settle their issues soon so I can go back home. I'm stranded, like a castaway on an island, with no form of communication, except for this thing that is not a blog. The silence and darkness are comforting. Their screams create scars that will never heal. But even so, in all this pain, I found healing. As misguided as their fights are, they taught me a lot of things. It is all those things that I must now use and make sure I don't fail Her again...

How does one integrate back into his previous world? A world he was forced to abbandon with no real explanation as to why. Will they still be there? Will they still care?

We're almost ready. There is nothing more to share, nothing more to say. All we can do now is embark on the long road towards home. Home... I wonder if it still exists. If it's still the same. In the end I guess it doesn't really matter. Because I'm changing. And as always, change is an extremely painful process...

No good at saying sorry...

Everyone out there who's a regular runner knows that the last 17 seconds of anything, especially a marathon, are the hardest. The last stretch takes longer and is more exhausting than any other part of the run. We feel tired, we aren't sure if we're doing the right thing or if crossing the finish line is even worth it...

Life, as well as running, is not a spectator sport. Win, lose or draw, the game, the run, is all about progress. Whether we want it to be or not. So go ahead. Argue with the refs. Change the rules. Cheat a little. Take a break. And tend to your wounds. But play... Play… Play hard. Play fast. Play loose and free. Play as if there is no tomorrow. Because it’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how you play the game. It's how you handle those last 17 seconds. You have to be strong. You have to push on. And most importantly, you have to believe in yourself. You might not have handled things perfectly. You might have disappointed a lot of people during the run, but at least you know you weren't afraid to stick with your beliefs...

There's going to be a lot of consequences when I come back. But I'm ready to face them, because I know I gave it my all. Win or lose, I rocked at playing the game...

Stairway to heaven...

Different people handle loss in different ways. Some flee towards family and friends and find safety and comfort in numbers. Others decide that the best way to deal with losing something or someone is to cut themselves off from the rest of the world and do some hardcore thinking...

Both ways seem to work, albeit being bipolar, their outcome is usually the same. The finish line is the same because both solitude and company go through the same stages of grief. The stages we all have to go through if we want to make it. Denial...

But what happens when we reach a roadblock at one stage and we aren't able to let go, to move on? Anger... We've all waged the war against life and its infinate unfairness. It's a war we do not fight with weapons, we fight it with rage...

When we finally lay down the white flag and realise that the war can never be won, we start to make compromises, we make deals, try to find shortcuts, we tell ourselves that even if we can't win the war alltogether we could perhaps win a battle, get a small part of what we desire. Bargaining...

Of course the thing about getting a small piece of something is that it's in no way what the whole thing would be like. A sheer battle is nothing, in the end it is pointless. Depression... So when it strikes us down, most of us find ease in selfpity, selfloathing. We give into our own pathetic nature...

Then lastly, when all is said and done a light points us to the truth. It's never going to happen. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we sacrifice. It just wasn't meant to be. Acceptance...

Dead in the nethers...

And now I find myself inside this jumbo bed,

I cannot eat nor sleep nor move,

oh god I feel so sad.

Why did they do it?

Does anybody know?

Can anybody say?

Will they ever come,

back in any way?

Alone together...

Where the sidewalk ends...

There is a certain time of night when all the children have been put to bed and the parents start to snore, that I lie awake and think of the secrets I've been keeping from the people around me. It might be an impromptu escape. it might be a horrific thing that happened in my past. It might be something I've done, that none of them will be able to forgive...

Sometimes I wonder how I managed to complicate things so much. But then I realise that I have simply come too far to lose it all. And if reaching the end means keeping secrets, lying and deceiving, then that is the price I will have to pay, because how can I expect to get everything I want without the will to sacrifice everything else in order to get it?

There is a certain time of morning. It occurs after everyone left for school and work. It's a time I think of the secrets I've been keeping, how shocked everyone would be if the truth was discovered. But mostly I think about how I'll do everything in my power to keep them from ever finding out...

The love circle overlap...

Family... Most people say there's nothing more important than the people with whom you grew up with. The very same people also believe that blood is thicker than water and that family should always come first...

They're supposedly the ones who show up when you're in trouble and help you get out of all the messes we're bound to create. They're the ones who should push us to succeed, even when we have given up on ourselves. They're the ones that should keep our most precious secrets and shield us from the ugly truth...

But what of those who have no family to rely on? What happens to those wandering souls, those who do not have anyone to help them in their hour of need? Well most learn to walk life's road by themselves. But a sad few of us simply stop trying...

Scream your heart out...

Call it wishful thinking but I can't seem to shake this feeling that everything up until now was just a bad dream. That I'm about to wake up and realise that it was all a terrible nightmare. Of course my instincts have been wrong before...

I've decided to quit an old habbit. I don't really know why. I guess I sort of think it simbolises all the things that went wrong, all the things I could have done differently. Habbits are funny. They're these little things we clinge to in order to feel we have enough energy to overcome the obstacles in our lives. They comfort us. They make us feel secure. They can even go as far as making us feel a little better about ourselves, even if it is just temporary...

But the thing about habbits is that they're a gateway to addiction. I've had my fair share of those and nothing is worse than having to give up something that is so inherently part of your life. Be it a person or a activity. Giving it up hurts like hell. And when the pain reaches unimaginable porportions, all you can do is scream...

The lonesome road...

It's almost finished. I can see the finish line and I'm slowly running out of options. There's one last thing I could try, but if I do I could lose everything, I could lose everyone...

They say desperate times call for desperate measures and I'm as desperate as one can get. I know what I have to do, and I think I have enough strength to do it. It's kinda funny actually. If I look back at everything, it's as if my past has been some sort of training for what I have to do now. I hate it. I hate the fact that things seem so obviously connected. That every action has a reaction. That everything supposedly happens for a reason. I hate it with every fiber of my being...

Yet because of it, I realise what must be done. I hope that one day they'll forgive me and see things from my perspective. It's probably too much to ask for, but still you never know, I might have underestimated them. Either way, I'm giving it my all. Sacrifices be damned. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. No matter the consequences...

It's all about you...

You are not your name. You are not your job. You're not the clothes you wear or the neighbourhood you live in. You're not your fears. You are not your failures or you past...

You are hope. You are imagination. You are the power to change, to create and to grow. You are a spirit that will never die, and no matter how many times you are beaten down you will rise again...

Know yourself. Know life...

Through her eyes the world was burning...

A song to build a dream on...

I was always fascinated by the power songs have over me. They can force me to think about things I thought I had long forgotten. They can make me wonder about the future and if I'll ever make it or not. They can even go so far as to make me question if I did things right, if I'm becoming the person I want to be...

I've never been good at writing songs. I guess it takes a special kind of mind to be able to shape emotions into lyrics. Whenever I try it always sounds so pathetic, sometimes even more than this thing that is not a blog. So here's a shout out to all you song writers out there. Keep doing what you're doing. Because if you do it right, you can change someones life...

Certain songs have affected me, more than I would sometimes like to admit. I'm grateful they did, because if they didn't who knows where I would be now...


Delimo se kot da noben nč ne ve...

A lifetime pilling up...

Happy birthday. I hope that you found peace where ever you are and I hope you'll have a lot of stories to tell when we finally meet up again. But for now I would just like to thank you. I want to thank you for your selflessness. You always put my needs before yours. You never thought twice about doing things that made me happy. You showered me with gifts as well as morals. I always came first...

I want to thank you for taking care of me for those 14 years. For being there when my parents couldn't or didn't want to be. You quit your job, you gave up your life to spend time with me, to be the parent my mother and father didn't want to be. You helped me grow up into the man I am today. If it weren't for you, I would have given up so long ago. You gave me strength. You gave me wisdom...

I want to thank you for teaching me how to dream. You filled our house with fun and joy. You gave me rolemodels; from actors to politicians, encouraging me to reach for the stars. But what I regret most is that I never got to tell you that the person I most wanted to be, was you...

I'm sorry you had to suffer. I'm sorry for not understanding. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. Happy birthday and see you soon...

Operation manticore...

In life there are usually two different ways to solve problems. The way of the lion and the way of the scorpion. The lion is a closer. He stalks. He rushes. He kills. No shame. No mercy. It's quick. It's painless. The scorpion on the other hand, is a rogue. He hides. He watches. And when the time is right, he unleashes his venom. No shame. No mercy. It's slow. It's painful...

I figured out a third way. The way of the manticore. A hybrid between the lion and the scorpion. The manticore is godly in his might and demonic in his agility. He is poised. He destroys. He annihilates. No shame. No mercy. It's endless. It's unbearable...

Today, I made a wish. I wished for the same thing I wished 4 years ago. It is something that can never come true. But still I wish. And by doing so I am slowly transforming myself into a manticore. He can give me enough strength. He can make it come true. He will succeed where others have failed. He will set me free...

Rock bottom...

Vse sem dal, zdaj pa hoče še telo in dušo...