My heart skips a beat...

So far so good. I know I don't always make it seem that way, with certain days just taking too big of a toll on me, but the bigger picture is shaping according to the plan. And trust me when I say, the plan is good, it's greater than anything I've ever come up with, I only need the conviction, and maybe a little bit of luck, to pull it off. But you know what the best thing of this journey is? Even if I fail, even if I crumble, even if I'm torn to pieces, if nothing else, it makes an amazing story. One that's yet to be lived. It's mine and mine alone. And while few take notice, if any really, at least I find it undeniably interesting. If I could ask for one thing, it would be to stop the moon, and make this night last forever, for never before have the stars so profoundly illuminated my path. Never before have I been more certain. Tonight, with the slightest of shifts, everything falls into place.

I can't wait much longer...

I know who I have to be right now,

because I can't get much wronger.

But I'll do anything when the time is right...

If something feels really really good, it can't be bad, right?

I may not be your first, your last or your only. You've cared about someone else before me, and will again. But you'll care for me at that moment, and that's all that will matter. I won't expect you to be perfect, because I know I'm flawed as well. You won't have to think of me every second of your everyday, and I don't have to be the center of your universe. I'll just hold a part of you, one you realise I can break. I won't hurt you, or try to change you, and I won't expect more than I know you can give. My only promise is that I will make you smile, when you make me happy, yell when you make me mad, miss you when we're not together, and love you like you'll never break my heart.

So when our time comes, and mark my words, it will come, it shall be the beginning of always. A promise, a belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore, simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls, and severs prior ties. A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge which lies ahead. That night will be merely a formality, only an announcement to the world of feelings long held, and of hearts forever intertwined.

And I know we'll be so amazing...

I won't give up even if the skies get rough.

I've got a lot to learn, even though I've come so far.

And I know someday it will all turn out,

you'll make me work, so we can work it out,

and I promise you that I'll give more than I get,

I just haven't met you yet.

I might have to wait, but I'll never give up.

I guess it's half time and the other half's luck.

Wherever you are, whenever it's right,

you'll come out of nowhere and into my life.

All is fair in love and war, but we won't have to fight it,

because we'll get invited, we'll be united.

So I guess that's just the way it goes...

I try my best, I really do. I've given up everything, yet somehow it still doesn't seem enough. I don't seem to be enough, and as that realisation slowly sinks in, with almost no hope of redemption, for the first time in a very long time, I can't hold back my tears. I miss the life I've never had, and it hurts in ways I can't truly explain. I see things ... differently and in the end of this story, that is the curse I bear, that is the tragedy of this boy, who never learned how to let go of his dreams, who never learned how to let go of the people who forgot about him. I am thrusted into an everlasting limbo between the cards I've been dealt and the hand I want to play.

It's only up to me, and that's the hardest pill to swallow. I never get to choose, because they always use the things I love against me. I have one foot in the grave and one foot in the sea, and I'm just living for the hour. I spin round and round and round, while I try to learn the game, as I learn to run the hustle, and I wonder what would be, if only the dream would someday take me to infinity.

The world flew closer to his reach...

Days like this one make me happy. They make me see the beauty in the journey I'm on, and they illuminate the essence of my being. And on days like today, nothing drastic happens, nothing innately earth shattering. Just the sheer fact that you look by your side, and you find yourself surrounded by this intensely bright and scorching, yet somehow calming, aura of light. You think what the catalyst might have been, but come up empty handed. Then you notice something that was there all along, always present. Forever growing and morphing. Extending to the far reaches of your soul, and reaching spots you never knew existed. You were looking for someone to bring you back to life, but now you realise, he was always there. He was always with you. Lurking in your shadow, and guiding you towards your greater self. He was always there, because he, is you. He is me. He is us.

Gave you all I had, and you tossed it in the trash...

Zvezde nad mano šepetajo zgodbe polnoči, ko sanjam te.

Now I watch it burn...

It's a strange thing, how you can love someone, how you can be all eaten up inside with needing them - and they simply don't need you. At the end of the day that's really all there is to it, and neither of you can do anything about it. They'll be the same way with somebody else and someone else will be the same way about you, and this deperate need, this desire, this love, this lust goes onto infinity. Yet once in a rare million, the cycle breaks, and the same two people find themselves needing each other. When that happens, the world shifts, the universe changes colour and suddenly everything starts to make sense. So those of us who still believe, who sit and wait as patiently as ever, looking out the window at the stars, and never forgetting, not even for a second that no matter how long it takes, one day we shall have it all.

I mean seriously, could we just finally find each other already, and then stay together? I guess it wouldn't work, because people always leave, then we have to say goodbye. I left a mess behind, and I'm still not sure I can ever go back. The future needs to unfold a little further if I want to know for certain. It's right around the corner, yet I've never been more afraid to take a step forward. This is it. This is what it means to grow up. And while I can never forget what was done to me, and what I've unleashed upon them, I think at long last, I can at least forgive. Forgive them, and more importantly, forgive myself. Maybe our hearts were just next in line, maybe everything has to break sometimes.

Just reminiscing, tripping out...

Now that she's gone, I'm trying to have the life she never had.

She can see when I'm sad, even when I smile, even when I laugh,

she can see it in my eyes, deep inside I want to cry,

because I'm scared, even though I know she's with me in my prayers.

And when it spins, when it swirls, when it whirls, when it twirls,

one little beautiful boy, looking puzzled, in a daze.

He tries to rest his head and go to sleep,

maybe one day he'll wake up and this will all just be a dream.

Life backfires on me...

That's what hurts most about his situation. He was so sure he was making the right choice. He was so sure he could find all the answers he was looking for, and he was so sure, he would finally be free. Yet every step shines upon the truth - he lost his way. It won't be easy to go back, and he probably won't ever get to live the life he dreams of. He is starting to believe that he shall always remain what he's always been. He wants to be more, he needs to be more, because once he tasted the sweet flavour of the stars, he will forever want to taste them again. He will consume everything in his path until there is nothing left but the sky. Then he will lunge skyward, with strength from the deepest clutches of his soul, and hope with all his might that he has not yet devoured himself.

I cannot even waste words for days like today. Truths come to light, people shed their masks, and I find myself completely alone, as countless times before. But even still, I stiffen up my upper lip, and I hold back my tears. Because when it swirls and it twirls, you have to be a soldier. Some things just aren't meant to be, and maybe we'll one day wake up, and this will all just be a dream. Until then, we develop habits that make everyday somehow pass with us still in it. I don't know why I feel the way I feel inside, but I would do anything to make it go away. I'd even kill a mockingbird.

I remember when we used to play...

You know what I really like about myself? My thick brown hair and the fact that I don't feel anything, not anything at all, when I cut it off. If I am to change on the inside, I think I need to transform on the outside as well. That way, the new me is more transparent, more easy to notice. Here, far away from home, I can experiment, I can afford to make more mistakes, for I know they won't follow me when I return. It's still so far away, yet somehow I grow more afraid of it each passing day. If I come back, and have nothing to show for it, then what was the point? In a perfect situation I threw life down the drain, and now all I can do, is hope I flush up one step closer to my dreams...

What I dream is all that matters...

My footsteps are getting lighter...

You know that moment, when you realise that a decision you made has completely and utterly changed the course of your life? That moment can either kill you, or make you into the person you were always meant to be. For me, it's still in limbo. As I bid a second farewell from the people of my past, I realised that home is where the heart is. I just need to find mine again. It has to be there, it simply must. Shattered so many times, I lost count, yet the pieces are still there, I'm sure of it. And when I find them, every last one of them, I shall recreate, I shall build, and I shall construct a being unlike you've ever seen before. For then, and only then, will I be able to stand my ground again, and face them, face her. As I ran back to my room, from a weekend I thought would be the end of me, I think I've stumbled upon the remaining bits. Now all I need is enough glue to stick them back together.

I raise my weapons, and I throw them to the ground, because at long last, the battle is over. While the war is still well underway, this single victory brings forth hope, it brings forth courage and determination. Most importantly it brings forth confidence. This little boy, is no longer so little. He is no longer so scared. He licks his wounds, and smiles at the sun. Today is almost over, and tomorrow holds promise. That in itself is more than he could have ever asked for.

I'm not lonely when I'm alone...

You're a falling star, you're the get away car.

You're the line in the sand when I go too far.

You play it coy, but it's kind of cute,

don't pretend that you don't know it's true,

because you can see it when I look at you.

And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times,

it's you, it's you. 

You're every song, you're every word,

you're a mystery, you're from outer space,

you're every minute of my everyday.

Raise your weapons, because it's over now...

I truly believe the universe wants to be noticed. It's improbably biased towards the consciousness of our intelligence, in part so because it enjoys the elegance of being watched. I think it has a mind of its own and a clear goal how it wants our existence to unfold. It hates being rejected and even more so ignored. Accepting all of this has not stopped me from flipping it the finger any time I can, and walking away from the road it puts me on. Yet I wonder, who am I, living in the middle of such an insignificant part of the bigger picture, to tell the universe it - or my observation of it - is easily defied. Perhaps I am merely misinterpreting its signs. I shall never know for sure, and I'll always remain obsessed with its will. Maybe one day, she'll show me the answer, maybe one day, I'll win.

Success is my only motherfucking option...

I feel as if everything and nothing is changing at the same time. There's so many things I've already done, already accomplished, yet there's still a lot I've yet to experience. I'm scared, I really am. I'm afraid of who I'm becoming, and if I'll be able to dig myself out of this mess I've created. I'm terrified of controling my insides, when they're screaming as loud as thunder. The voices within demand satisfaction, and they roar the truth. I was never enough for myself, and there within lies the tradegy of your deerly departed.

Every single time I try, there's something I miss, something I don't achive. And I'm tired of failing and coming in second. I want to be first, the best, and I want people to take notice. And there resides the core of it all. My everlasting need to touch, to aspire towards a realm of greater existence. At the end of the rope, I want what everyone else does. You and I, aren't that different really. We're practically the same person. Tell me then, why are we at completely different places? Tell me then, why are you happy, and I'm sitting on a bench overlooking an etherial lake, with only my thoughts keeping me company? Tell me then, when is it my turn, to at long last, be free?