Now you're just memories on my wall...

While it's everything I wished for, it's nowhere near what I dream of, to this very day, to this very moment. I had hoped I would have been able to tell you that it's beyond anything I ever imagined and in a way it is, yet somehow it falls short. Maybe I need to give it more time. Maybe this is just another phase I have to go through to once again transcend beyond my limitations. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get my answers soon.

They popped into my head today. All of them individually, then all of a sudden, all of them at once. The loves that passed me by. The one's I gave my heart to, but didn't receive their's in turn. The one's who I let break me down and take pieces of me. Vital pieces, those I thought I couldn't live without. Yet still I stand, still I hold my head high, still I breathe and still I search for that one single soul, who won't steal, yet will give, and I shall cherish with every fiber of my being. The one, who will at long last, break the spell, and set me free.

Stuck in heavy clouds of rain...

No more tears, my heart is dry,

I don't laugh and I don't cry.

I don't think about you all the time,

but when I do, I wonder, why?

Little me, and little you,

kept doing all the things they do,

I never really thought it through,

and I can't believe you're true.

All the stories we could have told...

Here I go again, the blame, the guilt,

the pain, the hurt, the shame.

I'll be a king, I'll have a golden throne...

Today marks the moment when I have stopped wishing. When I have stopped hoping. When I have stopped dreaming for someone to come out of nowhere and save me. If I've learned anything, it's that you can't count on the universe to throw people your way, and that I don't really need people at all. It may seem selfish and naive of me, but the thing is, I can't waste my time anymore. I can't waste my time waiting for someone who'll never come, and trust me, I've been waiting since forever. Yet from today onward, you shall no longer see me endlessly gazing ahead, trying to find that someone, that anyone, who might sweep me off my feet. From today onward, nothing shall be holding me back from marching forward upon the road I still believe I'm destined to walk.

"Do not fear", she said. "Do not cry", she whispered, and as she took him into her arms, he let loose a sigh, knowing that he is now safe. Safe from the dreaded shadows of the forest, safe from the ghastly spectres that relentlessly hunt him. He is safe, but only for an instant. Once she lets go, once she has to say goodbye, he will have to get back on his feet and run. Run like he's never ran before. Then if he is lucky, he might not only escape, but find shelter before twilight sets upon the world. He wonders what his future holds, and when the storms shall thunder once again.

Heaven's got a plan for you...

It is not the fear of moving on that scares me, it is the petrifying sensation that I'll never be able to come back. No one ever told me how much it would hurt to choose in life. They never told me that you can move on from certain things, but it may in turn cost your heart. The decisions I'm making right now, are charting my journey, are shaping who I am, and who I'll still have the potential to be. I don't think I've ever been so tired. Tired of obsessing about the new people coming into my life, and tired of feeling not good enough for those already there. But even still, I have to trust, I have to believe that there's a plan from someone above, leading me to my greater existence, that there's a logic out there fueling me to better prepare for the day something really special might come. It might never arrive, or it might be just around the corner, and that is what makes life so worth living.

Our heart beats for our favorite song...

I can't even grasp how fast my life is changing again, how quickly time is passing by and transforming the circumstances of my being. It's hard to accept the loses, yet they somehow make the small victories so much more extatic. I'd like to be able to tell you that I'm more certain than ever in my resolve, but the truth is that I can't really pin point where I'm heading. It's as if I've been blindfolded and shoved upon a rocky road, spiralling down a path which may very well lead me to my dreams - whatever they might be.

They held hands as they walked towards the ocean, and they held hands as their feet touched the warm stones beside the shore, and they held hands as they approached the pier, and they held hands as they jumped. In midfall they wondered if they'll survive what's to come, and if they'll still be holding hands by the end of it. But then he realised, he doesn't need someone to hold his, for he can hold his own, and those who might come every now and then to unclench his fists, he will cherish forever, through thick and thin, and even when the bells of goodbye have long since tolled. 

The end of everything...

I felt the earth beneath my feet,

sat by the river and it made me complete.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

The road is geting hard and I need something to rely on.

I came across a fallen tree, 

and the branches were looking at me.

Is this the place I used to love?

Is this the place I've been dreaming of?

Needing something to rely on...

I ended up exactly where I wished for, and now I realise I haven't even really moved an inch. I thought I jumped so far, that I reached high enough to touch the moon, and maybe even the stars, but here I sit, alone, an outcast once more. I guess it's the price of my dreams, yet sometimes when the dream seems so unreachable, I begin to wonder if everything I miss out on, truly outweighs the happy ever after I'll probably never get to experience. And as I brace myself for another goodbye from a friend I thought would stay with me forever, I can't help but shake the feeling that I've walked this road before. I guess as always, the essence of my story and the core philosophy of my journey screams louder than ever; the more things change, the more they actually stay the same.

Somewhere only we know...

Is this the place I've been dreaming of?

You take your aim, fire away, fire away...

I realised today that I'll probably never get to see you again. And while I've moved on, and experienced everything I didn't with you, you were still my first love, and as it turns out, the love of my life. I understood that yesterday, when I was lying in the bathtub, soaking in the heat and getting lost in the smoke of substances that keep me going. The realisation came flickering at first, then it hit me with full force. I wondered how I could feel so intensely for someone I don't actually really know, someone I never truly got to be with. And there within lies the answer I was seeking, the answer I needed, to finally, after all this time, be content with how things turned out.

Nothing could have ever prepared me for what I have to go through now. It seems as if the implosion of everything I hold dear, is even more destructive than I ever dared to imagine. While the tornado gushes with powerful winds, I admit, there are times when I think of giving up the dream and accepting that my time has passed. But then I remember that I made a promise. A commitment to her and to myself that I would never back down, and that's one emblem I shall take to the grave.

My baby shot me down...

The world seems like such a disappointing place sometimes. The people we thought so highly of, bend their knees more quickly than we would have imagined, and the circumstances we find ourselves in, feel so ... unfair. It's as if I'm the inevitable wanderer - the boy who says goodbye, but never knows how to leave.

I lay my head under the water, I lay my head under the sea. There is no time for being younger, and all my friends are now enemies. Broken lines across my mirror, show my face all red and bruised, and even though I screamed and screamed, I wasn't saved, I wasn't safe from you. Aloud I pray for calmer seas, for I still believe that I could be found that I could be the one, who sets you free. The shots are fired, the bullets near, but I don't even take the time to tumble. Instead I hold my tears and stand my ground, as if I was made from stone. I crumble to the ground, covered in blood and engorged with the satisfaction of knowing that I did not flee, but stood unlike the older me. 

Bulletproof, nothing to lose...

I need more time. More time to figure out who I am, and who I want to become. More time to realise what makes me happy and what can conjure a smile on my face. More time to forget how I was treated and how I treated others. More time to forgive myself for what has been done, and what was let go. I need more time to be afraid, more time to fail, more time to build myself up again. I need more time to fall in love, to find that one person who doesn't make me run, but gives me every reason to stay. I need more time to look at the sun, and gaze upon the moon, and ponder how they always chase, yet never meet. I need more time to accept my circumstances, and then even more time to overcome them. I need more time.

His dreams of paradise...

When he was just a boy

he expected the world,

but it flew away from his reach,

so he ran away in his sleep.

Then life goes on, it gets so heavy,

the wheel breaks the butterfly,

and every tear drop is a waterfall.

So in the stormy night he'll close his eyes,

in the stormy night away he'll fly.

Standing in the dark...

It's all your fault, 

you called me beautiful.

Trying to figure out what else to say...

I was right about all of it. I was right. I was right to go, because I was escaping disaster. Just look at me, I ran away, and it has shaped me in ways I'll probably never forget. Now I am left with countless memories of people, ones who've transformed my life and ones I may have lost forever. And as the wind of change blows greater than ever, I am struck with the sudden realisation that down the road to my dreams, I'm going to lose a few more.

The last months have been meer tests for everything I have to face now. It will take longer to succeed this time, if winning even is a possibility at all. The obstacles thrown my way hit harder than I ever imagined, but the thing is, I love every minute of it. The failures, the small victories, the pain of not knowing what tomorrow might bring, all of that illuminates the colours of my world and force me to keep evolving, growing. It's a curious feeling, embracing that you might not have the talent to pursue your dreams, and an even greater agony to admit that anything shy of the stars, shall never be enough. 

All my life just sacrifice...

It was overwhelming, as I somehow knew it would be. Reaching one step higher towards my dreams has led me into a void of uncertainty and peril. The more steps I climb, the harder it gets, and the peak of the mountain is still miles away. These new obstacles life has thrown at me are different than those before, more complex and they require a greater deal of patience and subtlety. And as I navigate no-mans land, I feel nervous, anxious, terrified really. It almost feels as if I managed to find the strength to march towards my dreams, but lack the resolve to not only talk the talk, but actually walk the walk. For if one comes so far, a simple misstep could ruin it all, and one fleeting moment may change all that I am and more.

It is life, I think, to watch the stars.