The battles I fight and the smile I hide...

One day, you're young, and planning for someday. 

Then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today.

And then someday is yesterday. 

And this is your life.

I really need you to understand how hard I'm trying. I'm going against every instinct in my body, against the loud voices and deadly whispers telling me I'm not cut out for this. And I'm doing it for you, because I want to be that person for you. That person, who fulfills your wildest fantasies, and makes you believe in fairytales and happy endings. I want to be your wish come true, and every single dream you've ever dared to conjure. Though I worry still that I'll always be the boy who dedicates himself, to himself. To my art, my sleep, my labours, my suffrances, my loneliness, my unique madness and unusual normality, my endless absorption and hunger - the boy who dreams even when he's awake.

Perhaps the time has come to lay down arms and stop fighting. The time to silence the drums of war, and quench my thirst for marching towards an impenetrable wall, solely for the ambition of trying against all odds. I've been so far gone for such a long time, that I think I've forgotten what it feels like to let go of my insecurities, of my fears and of my understanding that I'll never be good enough. Perhaps the demons I cling to are no longer there for my solace, but have become a burden too heavy to bear. Or maybe they'll always remain hidden somewhere within, quietly reminding me of the path overcome, and the voyage I've promised to embark upon. The moon, the stars, and the beautiful sunset await, and with your hand in mine, the journey suddenly doesn't seem so scary anymore.

Yesterday you told me about the blue sky...

As the wind blew, and as the sky fell, and as the earth was slowly waking from its deep slumber, he started to regain feeling in his toes. As they wigled, he felt a surge throughout his body, a sharp jolt of energy shocking every fiber of his being. He was slowly coming back to life, of that there was no longer any doubt. An echo of his rebirth plumets to the far end of the world, and there are no cries to hear at night, just the silent whispers of a new dawn, of a new life. The fault lies with you. You called him beautiful, you kissed his lips, and you caressed his body with your fingers. He didn't really have a choice, for his heart is yours and yours alone, and it beats with a pulse stronger than even before. It seems the book of love has only started to be written, and you can sing him anything.

All the things I love, I lose...

I knew there was a catch, I knew all along. For my life, it seems, is always a lesson and surely never simple, never easy, destined to unfold in ways I can see miles ahead, yet each time I can't see them at all. It has happened too many times to be a coincidence, and far too little times, for me to lose hope. It always starts with so much potential, then slowly it morphs into ghosts from seasons past. They whisper familiar truths and mock my endless willpower to transcend. They twist and fabricate what is left of my dignity and forcefully stitch it back to my body, leaving scars and the smell of dried up blood, to forever remind me who I am, and who I'll never be.

My dreams bleed, they bleed inside my soul. I try to find the bleeder, I try to make the blood clot, but it begins to flow faster and faster, becoming a stream, then a rushing river, and then the loss of every single dream I've ever had, becomes the waves, the giant crashing waves of the deep dark ocean. Their noise drowns out any form of innovative thought, idea, emotion, and all I become is a stagnant pool, filled with the endless, violent sound of broken dreams. It is there that I shall stay, waiting dormant for the tempest to rise again. For it to unearth the calmed abbys, and bring forth destruction once again. For only when I will completely destroy myself, I will understand, I will know without a doubt, if I am meant for do or die.

Losing grip of my body...

My monster within...

It starts as if I was falling in love. Slowly, then all at once. A surge down my spine. A tinkle in my stomach. Electricity in my veins. A shroud of darkness looms above and in an instant envelops me whole. I do not try to understand it, I simply let it flow through, hoping it doesn't cause too much damage. I let lose screams I thought I've long since silenced, and I cry tears I've cried before. When I exhale the last demons, I am struck with the realisation that I will never be free from them. I'll always be the boy who let Her fall, the boy who ran away, and the boy who loved with his heart on his sleeve. The road ahead is too long to even grasp, and the willpower to embark upon it, fades with each passing day. Perhaps the boy who dreams is the boy who'll never get to live or perhaps the boy who crumbles, is the boy who'll one day have it all.

I got struck by lightning...

One of these days you'll realise 

what you mean to me,

every now and then I see a part of you 

I've never seen.

Heavens talk, the rain begins,

the sky turns black,

nobody wins.

So if you ever love somebody

you've got to keep them close,

because I'm falling,

I'm falling deeper in love.

Someday I will win this game...

I'm taking this time to focus on myself. I'll try not to obsess about where I want to end up or how I should get there, and try to live for today, because as is turns out, today has never glowed so brightly. Even though I'm afraid of leading this life, even though I'm afraid of settling down and forgetting about the dreams I dream, I feel as if I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. There are still so many lessons I have to learn before I'm ready, before I'm strong enough to reach the unreachable. It's so far away, yet so close I can taste it, smell it, feel it. I shall not lose sight of what needs to be done, that I promise. All you're reading now is tales of a broken boy, who found someone to help him glue back the pieces. A boy who got shattered, and the boy who finally has the courage to let go.

Behind these green and hazel eyes lies an endless story. One fraught with tears, blood and laughter. One walked with pride and dignity. One shaped by mindless discontent and vigorous ambition, both in the same breath, and both without any meaning at all. The warm breeze reminds him that he has to keep trying and keep his head held high. It's not about what's waiting for him on the other side, it's the journey to get there, the chances he'll take, the failures he'll overcome, and the happiness he will share. Come ruin or justice, his smile will not fade, and the world he created, well that's here to stay.

All these little things...

I needed time to gather the maelstrom in my head. Time to reminisce about the path walked, and dream about the journey ahead. Time to reflect on my mistakes, and celebrate my victories. Time to gaze inward, and confront the demons which reside within. Time to cry the tears which scorch my eyes, and release the laughter that inflates my soul. I needed time, and now that I'm back I can barely let words slip out of my mouth, because once again, out of nowhere, the universe has knocked my off my feet, yet this time, not with winds of depair, but with a tempest of past redemption and future hope. And for the first time in what feels like forever, the road beyond the horizon seems so ... beautiful.

And what if what they say is true, that we spend our entire life rewriting the first story we ever loved? Then it must also be true, that you spend your whole life trying to relive the first love you ever felt. And if both of those things are certain, then what happens from now on, shall no longer be a struggle, but a challenge, a dare, it will be potential. 

They take each other's hand, smile, and jump with the conviction of a thousand broken dreams. They fearlessly plumet into the abbys, knowing full well that this may very well be the last time they look upon one another. Why, you ask? Why aren't they scared? The answer to that, the answer to everything, lies somewhere in the year ahead, and together we might just make it.