Life is a party to be thrown...

Make lots of noise,

when you're the straight and narrow,

follow your arrow

wherever it points.

Inside these pages you just hold me...

It has now officially begun. No more tears for lost love - only the path forward, paved with countless and unpredictable turmoil. This is the part where I'll do the most growing, and as time will pass, I shall be able to fully grasp what was left behind. But I guess maturity is about being able to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind. self-worth and morals. If anything, I'm at least proud of myself for being able to do that. People who make you feel like you aren't deserving of love, are in fact, not deserving of yours, and the sooner you accept that, the quicker you can move on to new things. Better things. Those that don't bring discomfort or sadness, but simply a calming sense of satisfaction. I might never get the love story I dream of, but I guess that's just fine, because if nothing else, I'll at least never stop trying.

Replacing what I gave away...

Wait for me to come home...

I still remember how you kissed me.

He no longer dreams about a future where you will once more hold him in your arms, yet as time passes by, he starts remembering all the reason he loved you, and those that tore you apart seamlessly fade away. What he is left with is a story that is perhaps only written once in our lives. A love that transcended reason, and surely because of that was doomed from the start. He remembers you so fondly and while you have become a stranger, a part of his soul will always be attached to yours. In truth, you were his first everything, and for that reason alone you will forever hold a part of his heart, even though you were responsible for crushing it in the first place. While time should heal all wounds, he hopes that you shall remain a scar for eternity - reminding him that love is possible even in the most impossible circumstances. He will keep the memories inside the pocket of his ripped jeans, and slowly move forward, never quite the same again.

Underneath it all, we're just savages...

Life is passing me by. I can't seem to focus, and I simultaneously have the feeling that I'm overwhelmed and that I'm not doing nearly enough. It's a strange time, full of contradictions. On one hand, I'm actually happier and lighter than I've ever been, and for a while now that scared me. I was certain that something was wrong with me, because I wasn't more sad, and that loneliness didn't have a bigger impact on me, yet all I feel, as I settle into my current circumstances, is ease and enlightenment. While I didn't necessary chose to be here, I find it incredible that it was exactly what I needed, and if I'm honest with myself, what I truly wanted - deep down inside at least. Some of us were just built to constantly take different shapes while we navigate through life, and with each rebirth we grow a little taller. Perhaps some day to heights that will allow us to simply raise our hands, and grab the moon by its throat.

Driving through the night...

When we were young...

Suitcase, band-aids,

pulling back out the driveway.

You go, I'll stay,

you can keep all the memories.

I thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you?

I thought you loved me the most?

I don't know why I cry,

but I think it's cause I remembered for the first time,

since I hated you that I used to love you.

Alone in the dark with a hole in my heart...

Learning to fly, learning to run...

Shots were fired and he was caught in the middle. Life has a way of twisting even the happiest of moments into future memories of sadness and regret. Things were supposed to be simpler, clearer, yet as always people cannot shed their skin, and blood was spilled. As he tried to mend their wounds, it was quickly reaffirmed that band-aids can't fix bullet holes, and all he can do is plead his case and hope his efforts aren't in vain. He wonders if they'll ever appreciate his words and all he has sacrificed,  while knowing that none of this is in fact about him. When there is nothing left to do but flee, the walk home seams unbearable. There are friends he could call, who would listen and understand, but such pain can only be cured by something greater and more profound. As he catches himself wishing he wasn't so alone, he is suddenly struck by the realisation that he survived despite his loneliness and that perhaps all he needs, all he'll ever need is stars to guide his way, and that stupid same old grin on his face.

Still learning how to crawl...

There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn't. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn't need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don't romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise.

Driving out of the city...

Preveč je vsega in mene premalo.

He lays down his arms, falls to his knees and admits defeat. He has failed quite unlike ever before, and in ways he didn't think possible. As he gazes forward he is unsure that circumstances could ever mould in his favour. The strands of time and life strengthen their grip, and he is left with the simple realisation that he is far from perfect. He did his best, he really did, but his flawed nature overwhelmed every inch of his body, and he crumbled. Yet however down he may seem, know that this is not the end. One day, when the stars align and the moon shall shine bright, he will try again. He will try again and fail better.

The stars are falling...

But all this driving

is driving me crazy,

and all this moving

is proving to get the best of me,

and I've been trying to hide it

but lately every time I think I'm better

I'm picking my head up, getting nowhere.

Take me back to the basics and the simple life.

Tell me all of the things that make you feel at ease -

your touch, my comfort, and my lullaby,

holding' on tight and sleeping at night.

Even heaven can't help me now...

Going head to head with my addictions is far harder than I thought. Am I a failure if I fail? Am I a coward - someone who'd rather run away and cower in the face of adversity, than stand firmly as he is bombarded by demons unknown? These times are the hardest, because they force us to experience them. The past has already been overcome, and the future is too abstract to take seriously. All I have is now, and the now I'm living is in constant flux. At moments I feel as if the entire world is at my feet, while at others I can barely contain myself from imploding. I'm scared that I'm going to lose more people along the way. That somehow the path ahead is far more lonesome than I ever imagined. I guess only time will tell, and as I brace for impact, I beg that you'll remember me - even if it's just in your wildest dreams.

Red lips and rosy cheeks...

My wildest dreams...

As I start adjusting to my new life, I find it surprising how easy it seems, and as I walked home with a lightness in my step that I've never felt before, I think I finally found out why. The thing is, I'm not adapting to a new existence, I'm merely settling back into the one I ran away from when I embarked on this journey of self-discovery all those years ago. I guess I had to go on that roller-coaster ride to realise I was never truly lost in the first place. I always knew who I was, I simply needed to be sure, and the only way to do that, was to go through all the emotions and people that enveloped my path. I could apologise for the damage I've done while I was searching for something that was never misplaced, but I won't, because as the sun goes down, I am certain that life has never made more sense, and it never glowed as bright as it does right now.

He can't quite grasp it, but there has been a drastic shift. As if the tectonic plates of Earth have moved and completely changed his trajectory. If you'd ask him just a few days ago, how he was, he'd smile and feign something positive - now he can't stop laughing, even listening to the saddest of songs and reading the most wrenching of words. He doesn't even try to explain it or wonder what happened - who said what and who didn't. Such moments are to be cherished for he knows that they seldom last. Perhaps this time it will be different. Maybe he had to go through all that anxiety and pain to reach a higher level of being. One he only imagined, but is now so engorged with that it feels stupid to question or fight. He ponders if this is what it means to accept the life you are given and take pleasure in knowing that while it might not be everything you want, it might just be exactly what you need.

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything...