It was like when you make a move in chess and just as you take your finger off the piece, you see the mistake you've made, and there's this panic because you don't know yet the scale of disaster you've left yourself open to. And more often than not, when something like that happens, I have a strange, instinctual desire for things to get even worse. I think of a terrible outcome and then wish for it. I recognise the pattern, but I don't understand it. It's as though my mind is running simulations and can't help but prefer the most dramatic option - as though, in that eventuality, I could enjoy it from the outside.
