You can hear the drop of a pin...

I am doing an exercise that could maybe calm me down. I just won't stop writing until I am at least three pages deep, and I'll breathe heavily as each word drips from me. Recent events have shaken me to my core, and I need to find a way to pick up the pieces and grow back into something resembling a person. I have disappointed the people I love. By not being strong. By letting fear guide me. And once all this is over. Hopefully soon. I will admit my weaknesses. I will apologize for them. And I will work on rebuilding myself into someone worth having. 

I am both ashamed and angry. I thought of myself as someone who could handle these types of pressures. Yet my mind is in such intense overdrive, conjuring fantasy after fantasy, replaying everything a thousand times. What could I have done differently? What could I have changed? And more devastatingly, what can still go wrong? The innumerable possibilities have paralyzed me. And I feel responsible for not being able to predict them correctly. The very mechanisms that have kept me sane over the years are now working against me. There is no way to calm the storm if I am the storm. And the lightning and thunder are just the beginning.