Back and forth like a swinging door...

I'm starting to understand that secretly attempting to be liked by everyone has been a slow, but steady downturn of my life. Trying to be someone that people admire or feel an attraction towards or even envy, has led me to a crossroad that I cannot pass. I am stuck unless I profoundly change. On the spot, in front of everyone. Undergoing the agony and defeat of a lifetime. Thinking about all the balls I was trying to juggle that I've dropped, and now the cogs are turning toward total apathy toward it all, everything and all I can think about is that I am a shell of a human being. I'm a pushover. I am to blame.

I'm not sure about all the particulars that led to this moment. Do I believe life is a series of dots to be connected, that I was always meant to be stranded at this very spot? Or that perhaps I can't outrun destiny and that all roads lead to truth and coincidence is a lie to distract me? But I guess the reason I was in this place no longer mattered. The harsh reality stared me in the face and demanded an immediate decision. Choose a random path, knowing it will one day lead me back to this very crossing or stay here until I am utterly undone? Then somehow gather the pieces and become someone who can forge a path beyond who he was, who he failed to be? A path towards someone who would never need to make this choice again.