Make me lose control...

As human beings we need a lot to feel alive; family... friends... love... sex... But we only need one thing to actually be alive; a healthy heart, and when our heart is threatened, when our heart is broken, we respond in one of two ways. We either run or we attack. It's instinct, we can't control it...

or can we?

Piece of my heart...

Life has a way of giving us lessons, of teaching us about who we are, what we're suppose to do and where we're suppose to go. But the thing about life and the universe is that they really have a twisted sense of humor. I mean you go through all these different little tests and obstacles, for months at a time, being confused about what's going on, confused about what exactly you have to learn, confused about who you're suppose to become at the end of it all. Then when you finally get there, when you cross the finish line and see things for what they are not what you hope they would be, you get the oh so desired lesson...

Now the amusing part of all this is that the lesson is more often than none, completely different from what you expected, and you just can't help but sense the irony of everything that led you here, because all of a sudden everything that was previously so confusing is now crystal clear...

I was given a lesson yesterday, and it was so surreal and enlightening but at the same time I couldn't stop smiling, because the irony of what I thought my lesson would be and what it actually turned out to be, was absolutely... godlike...

Here's to the future...

dosti mene je ti

dosti tebe sem jaz

dosti mene še zdaj leti...

Detox...

I've heard somewhere that when you get bitten by a snake the best thing to do is to attach your lips to the wound and just suck the poison right out. And that's exactly what I have to do with my life right now, just suck all the venom out. At least that's what I should do...

But what if the venom makes me feel alive, makes me step out of my confort zone, makes me do crazy things and allows me to be the person I've been afraid to be for all this time? Not knowing what to do is usually foreign to be. I always have all the answers, yet I'm as torn as ever. On one hand that snake bite set me free, and allowed me to experience things I've been running away from for so long, for too long, but on the other hand there must have been a reason for me to fear and avoid the venom in the first place, right? I mean I couldn't have been so wrong about something so... imporant?

I don't know what to do... I feel the poison rushing through my veins and I know I could dispatch of it in a blink of an eye, but... The last time I felt so free and alive was when She was still here... I wonder what She would have me do... I guess I'll never know, but for now all I can do is wait, and hope that when I'm ready to decide it won't be too late...

My favorite mistake...

As people we have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of our personal histories, diagrams of all our old wounds. Most of them heal and leave nothing behind but a scar, but some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cuts long gone, the pain still lingers...

So now I ask you, what's worse? New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? I've heard that our old wounds teach us something, they remind us of where we've been and what we've overcome. Supposedly they teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. But the truth is that's just what we like to think...

Because that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again...

Careful what you wish for...

Because you just might get it...

The walls are caving in...

I can't measure up to him...

I can't make them care...

I can't make them understand...

I can't let them help me...

I can't let them in...

I can't say I'm sorry...

I can't say goodbye...

I am left with nothing to give, nothing in my grasp to reach, nothing. Nothing to hold me back...

Here comes the son...

For a long time I thought the key to being a success, to being great is what we give up. Sleep, friends, a normal life. I abandoned it all for that one amazing moment. That moment when I would have been larger than anything, larger than anyone. There were days that made the sacrifices seem worthwhile. And there were the days where everything felt like a sacrifice…

I was once told that I could have anything in life if I was willing to sacrifice everything else for it. I understand now that what She meant was that nothing comes without a price. So now before I go into battle I always decide how much I'm willing to lose, because way to often going after what felt good meant letting go of what I knew was right…

I fear for the sacrifices that I won't see coming, when I won't have time to come up with a strategy, to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. Because when that happens and the battle chooses me and not the other way round, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be way more than I can bear…

What a difference a day makes...

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights, here’s what I’ve decided. There’s no such thing as a grown up. We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own...

But the basic insecurities, the basic fears and all those old wounds just grow up with us. And just when we think that life and circumstance have forced us to truly once and for all become an adult, a day like today comes along and ruins everything...

We get bigger, we get taller, we get older. But for the most part, we’re still a bunch of kids. Running around the playground trying desperately to fit in...

I’ve heard it’s possible to grow up. I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And against all logic, against all experience we hope...

Let the truth sting...

Secrets can't hide within the four walls that is my life. It has a way of exposing the lies. Within confinement, the truth is stripped bare and nothing can hold it in…

Whatever it is we're trying to hide, we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked. That's the problem with secrets. Like misery, they love company. The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore…

The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control... you're not. Because emotions get in the way, even if you think you've tucked them neatly away. Sooner or later you'll get a cut that rips its stitches wide open…

They say practice makes perfect. Theory is, the more you think about being a good liar, the more you become one. And the harder it becomes to turn it off, to stop thinking like a liar and remember what it means to think like a human being…

Falling awake is a nightmare...

You know that moment, right before you fall asleep, when everything seems so calm and peaceful, and countless thoughts are rushing through you head? Well for as long as I can remember, everytime I start fading off into the land of sleep, I have this one single thought in my mind - a dream of what should be, a dream of what could be, a dream of what needs to be...

Yet every morning that I wake up, I realise that it might never come true. Each passing day the chances of it happening become slimer. I know the clock is ticking, and when it goes off, I'll have to let go of that dream forever...

But here's the thing. What if I'm not strong enough to let it go? What if I keep clinging to hope and lose myself in my own damned dream? What if it all turns out to be too much and I end up doing something that I'll possibly regret forever? What happens when my dream doesn't come true? The dream that sores in my mind every single day...

Sometimes I wish I wouldn't wake up, because as long as I sleep, there's a chance. A chance that I finally fix my broken spirit. A chance that I would end up happy. A chance that I would end up great...

So I sleep. Full of hope and desperation. So I sleep. Wishing I could sleep forever, and dream the dream I've dreamed so long...

Falling asleep is a dream...

The only thing left to do...

And still I dream she'll come to me -

that we will live the years together.

But there are dreams that cannot be,

and there are storms we cannot weather.

Let darkness fall...

You know how when you were a kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. You'd lie in bed at night and close your eyes, and you had complete and utter faith. But eventually, you grow up...

One day you open your eyes, and the fairy tale disappears. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Because almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they'll open their eyes and it will all come true…

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. And it's not so important that it's happy ever after. Just that it's happy right now...

See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, even if for just a moment, people may take your breath away…

Tug of war...

The funny thing about my life is that as soon as something goes really well for me, another thing goes really wrong. I can never just have it all. There's always that something that holds me back, that pushes me down, that doesn't allow me to just enjoy myself and be free…

The good things that happen I welcome with anxiety, but also with a little bit of fear. Because good things aren't always what they seem. Too much of anything, is not always a positive thing. Especially in my case, cause if something goes extremely well then I now that a ticking bomb is going off somewhere else...

But how do you know how much is too much? Too much, too soon. Too much information. Too much fun. Too much love. Too much to ask. And when is it all just too much to bear?

It's just like staring at the sun...

I want a lot of things. I am an extremly demanding person when it comes to things I believe will make my life better, meaningful, great...

But way to often, the thing I want most is the one thing I can't have. It isn't that hard to accept that something didn't happen because I didn't try hard enough, it even isn't that hard if I perhaps gave it my all and deserved getting what I want, but was wronged and for whatever reason denied my hearts desire. What hurts the most, are the things we can't control. Because at that point sheer aspiration is not enough. All you can do is hope. Hope that one day someone up there gives you a break, and makes your wildest dream come true...

Desire leaves us heartbroken; it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want at all...