I'm chasing cars...

No man's land...

I hate that this always happens. I really thought that I caught the grasshopper this time. But as time and time again he somehow managed to slip away. He got away by a thin thread and as always I was so close...

I took a chance. I made a change. I thought that this was my moment, to breakaway. I so desperately need to. I try my best to belong in this world I was placed in. I really do. I keep trying to fit in as best as I can. I try to reach out, yet I feel like no one can hear me. I try to blend in but something feels so wrong here...

So I continue to stare out my window. Thinking and dreaming of what could be and if I'll ever end up happy. I'm willing to do what it takes. I won't stop running after it. I know I said I'd give up so many times, but I never really do...

One day I'll spread my wings. Just watch me. My day is coming. But until then all I can do is pray. Pray that one day I indeed do breakaway...

The truth is all we have...

I tried to move on without confessing something to myself. I know now that trying to do so was a mistake. I can't outrun it. I can't pretend it didn't happen. I can't convince myself it wasn't my fault. I can't even close my eyes, without the images of the unforgivable, appearing in my head. But what I can do is learn to accept the past and think of it as a guide for the future...

I don't know what's out there waiting for me. I've made my wish. I've charted my coarse. I did my best. Now all I can do is wait for things to unfold. They might unravel exactly the way I pictured it in my head or the outcome could be completely different from what I expect. I honestly don't care anymore, because there's nothing more I can do. I don't have the energy to keep hoping and wishing. There has been too much of that already. I've reached the point where my main concern is just getting through, one day at a time...

Ss here it is. The truth. The truth about everything, about everyone. I've been hiding it for so long that it doesn't even seem real anymore. But it is. The residue of it hurts to this very day. The truth is painful. It's terrifying. But at the end it's all I have left. And because it's the last thing I have, I guess I have no choice but to keep it to myself and hide it forever...

I'm nothing without you...

Have I been a siner?

A lover, a killer?

Cause the world I've discovered,

it feels nothing like my heart.

I want to embrace it,

or try to escape it.

Even fools, they say,

can find their way out of the dark...

I jump, she laughs...

Sometimes I'm so desperate to feel something, anything, that I'm willing to do things others deem crazy, irresponsible, humiliating, just to get that rush of emotions, any emotion. I guess the absence of them hurts far more than any amount of pain or humiliation my actions could bring...

The things I resort to, are probably all that and more, but what I realised today is that all this time people have been judging me on the basis of those acts, while it should have been I who judged them. Their reactions, to my cries for help, say a lot more about them then they do of me. The responses differ from person to person. Yet the patterns I've witnessed point to the fact that there are usually two kinds of reactions. Either they see through the selfdestructive act and start to sympathize or they start laughing...

I haven't really decided which I hate more. Both tell me a lot about the person. Actually they tell me all I need to know. And to be bold and honest, both kinds of people have no place in my life. At least not in a real kind of way. There is a third kind though. I believe they exist. They have to exist. Because if they don't, well, then I'm prety much screwed. Because here's the thing. When I jump, I want them to jump as well...

I'm the best me, I can possibly be...

They say that as human beings we never stop evolving. We supposedly learn new things up untill the minute we perish. Every single experience therefore presents an opportunity to grow, to better one self, to ascend to new hights. We're taught that we should always strive for more. More knowledge. More power. More respect. More money. The sky is the limit. Or so we're led to believe...

People rarely change. At least not in ways that truly matter. We all try to hide things we deem would criple our ability to succeed. We tell ourselves that we changed, that we're different, that we learned from our mistakes. But the truth is that most of us never do. Not because we don't try hard enough, but because deep down inside we didn't really want to. When that moment comes, when we accept every bit of who we are, we've reached the ultimate goal...

And after that, there's no more room for growth. We are what we are. Nothing is going to change that. So all this crap, we tell ourselves and the people around us, that we can change if they just give us a chance, is just another means of concealment. Because we're afraid of what might happen if the truth was ever revealed...

Some of those fears are justified. I mean people can learn to live with a lot of things. We can tolerate all sorts of different people. We can forgive countless indiscretions, atrocities and lies, because we realise that we all make mistakes and that in order to move on, we have to be forgiving. Though there are some things that we can't expect people to forgive. And when we've commited such an act, we musn't forget that just because others might not be able to forgive us, that doesn't mean that we can't forgive ourselves...

Sometimes you get what you need...

You can't always get what you want...

I hate him. I really do. He has everything I wish I had. He is on the path I dream about every single night I go to sleep. It's as if the purpose of his entire existence is to mock me. Taunt me. I try to distance myself. I try to forget about it. I distract myself as much as I can. I pray, I wish, yet nothing seems to help...

The world I so desperately want to enter has been closed of quite some time ago. But to this day I find it impossible to move on, to accept it. I keep tackling the door, but it never budges. Not even one bit. I pity myself for being this stubborn. I thrive in disappointment. I feed of the pain and anguish. It's how I've been ever since... It happened... I don't know how to survive any other way. I know it's over. I know the door will never buckle. I know that I can never ask for forgiveness. I know that I can never be forgiven...

I hate him. I really do. My reaction might be misguided. Simplistic. But none of that changes the fact that he managed to tear down the indestructible door. He succeeded where I failed. And for that reason alone he must be punished. The plan has been set in motion. He is going to pay. One way or another...

My tormented past...

Today I saw a spark. It was probably always there. I was just to blind to see it. A light at the end of the tunnel. Usually when I noticed it, even if just a glimpse, it always renewed so much of my strength. It gave me the power to push forward. The funny thing is that the light I saw today was so much more than that. It was a freaking ball of fire. The problem is that it's in the completely wrong tunnel...

Just my luck. Life is pushing me somewhere I no longer wish to go. I realised it isn't the right place for me. Yet the universe seems to be hell bent on keeping me on the path I chose so long ago. So what am I suppose to do? Just give in? Trust that I made the right decision and accept that obviously all the signs are pointing to the fact that this is indeed the right road for me? Or do I simply ignore it and go with my gut?

What awaits is an impossible choice. One of many I was forced to make in my relatively young existence. She never told me it would be easy. But she also never said it would be this hard. Most wouldn't understand. Most believe that I've got it as good as it can get. If only they knew what I did. Ironically it isn't nearly as bad as what I'm about to do...

She offers me protection...

Ever had a person just come up to you, give you a kiss, hold you real tight and say those tree magic words? It's one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. To know that you're loved. That someone cares. That you made a difference in someones life. It may seem like a small thing. Something most of us take for granted. But it's these little things, these little gestures that make this ride worth it. Or so I've heard...

It is something that I allowed to elude me all this time. Maybe some of us are just not meant to experience it. Maybe we just have to be patient for a while longer. Maybe we lost it amid all the sacrifices we had to make in order to get here. I guess in the end it doesn't really matter. The only thing that's imporant is that we never stop believing that we can get it...

Most of the time I don't know wether I'm right or wrong. I don't have time to stop and wonder, to plan my next move. I just keep moving faster and faster. I can't stop nor do I want to. Because when I do, I know that I would be forced to examine my actions and that would mean fessing up to things I'm not yet prepared to face. So I walk as fast as I can on this lonely road. Wishing that someone out there would find me. But untill then, I walk alone...

Hate to say I told you so...

Do what I want, cause I can,

because I wanna be ignored

by the stiff and bored.

Split and retrieve

cause I give and recieve...

If I don't try, I'll never know...

I've always been a dreamer. I dream about all sorts of things. From the fantasy about changing the world and being praised for my work and dedication, to the fantasy of social acceptance and dominance. There are countless others that I would never dare to speak of, but that does not mean that I won't try my best to make every single one of them come true...

Some are more far fetched than others. The hard part is distinguishing between those worth persuing and those that will sadly forever remain within the secluded walls of my mind. The only way to find out which is which, is to take that step forward and start doing something, anything to achieve it. I took an enormous leap today and to tell you the truth it was scary as hell. But not in the way you might think. Because I'm ready for the extremly realistic fact that I blew it and I'm never going to get it. I am strong enough to admit defeat when it's staring me right in the face. The scary part is the possibility that the dream just might come true...

I'm not prepared for it. I don't know how to react if it comes true. It's never really happened before and I hate sailing in uncharted territory. So how can I have everything I ever wanted if I'm to afraid to embrace it when it actually comes? I'm getting ahead of myself again, because the odds are that once more, as so many times before, the dream will forever stay just that. A dream...

Don't upset the rythem...

They say that we should always quit while we're ahead. That we should go out with a bang and that we should get out while we're on top. It's prety good advice. The problem is that we rarely know when our time has come, especially when it feels so good to be king of the hill and having everyone under your control...

I really want to follow the advice. I really do. Considering how things ended the last time I was in this situation, I would be a fool to make the same mistake twice. But as always I am torn. Torn between the person I was and the person I want to be. She told me once that in order to figure out where I want to go, I first need to make sure that I know where I've been. And I've been trying to figure that out for years, but I always seem to get stuck at a certain event that changed me forever... Murderer...

So I try my best to stay on the hill, where I have absolutey everything I need. But here's the thing. Just because I have everything I need, that doesn't mean that I have everything I want...

My love is vengeance, that's never free...

A premonition...

I hate making decisions. Especially between things that I deem are of equal importance. Because how can you ever know which one is right? Without experiencing both, passing judgement on which was indeed the right choice is impossible. Yet I just keep stumbling onto circumstances that fuel the battle between meaning and happiness. A battle that I have been fighting for what feels like an eternity...

I try to weigh the costs and analyse the benefits of both options. But it's really a lot harder than it sounds, because it's like comparing apples and oranges. Both have completely different advantages and disadvantages. Both present a unique opportunity, one that I can never get back, and as always I can't have both. I have to choose...

The funny thing is that I already know what I'm going to do. All I'm doing now is remorsing the fact that I once again can't have my cake and eat it too. One would think that I would be used to it by now. But to tell you the truth, it still hurts like hell, because I know that I can never go back and see what the other choice would be like. The best thing I can do now, is to stop obsessing so much about the future and try to focus on what's right infront of me. Because all the anxiety is pointless in the end, it only makes things worse. So I'm just going to stop. Stop worrying. Stop the paranoia. Just stop, and be here, just as I am...

Are you there tequila? It's me, Karr...

Ever since I was I kid, I dreaded the thought of dying. I can't count the number of times I wish I could live forever, to be immortal. I guess I was always afraid of the pain, afraid of disappearing, and most of all I was afraid of being forgotten. I was so afraid, that at one point I stopped living and started obsessing about how to reach the unreachable...

But now I no longer wish for immortality. I no longer fear death. I no longer wish I could live forever. Because here's the thing. It's because we are mortal that everything we do is so special. It's because we're never going to be here again, that makes moments so filled with joy and fulfillment. It's because everyone is going to be forgotten and none of our actions can be taken back, we know that life is simply beautiful...

The catch is that, once we know all that, once we know that every single moment is prescious, that all our mistakes, all our accomplishments, all our failures are never going to happen again, we acknowledge that this is it, that this is all we get. One chance. One shot. So lets face our mortality and make sure we enjoy it while it lasts...