Making up for lost times...

Hear the sound of the falling rain,

coming down like an armageddon flame,

the shame, the ones that died without a name.

The drums are singing out in protest,

this is the dawning of the rest of our lives...

I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies...

Casting blame is never easy, because no one really knows who truly started the fire. It began burning away the outskirts, then it slowly progressed inward, swallowing everything in its wake. The blaze seemed unstoppable, leaving only destruction behind. Now it finally reached the core of everything still worth fighting for. I don't know who did it, I just know that soon only dust shall remain...

I am afraid of what I might do. We all like to think how we're pure and innocent, but the truth is we've all done something, to deserve all the bad things that keep happening. I'm a sin, but I'm also a sinner. Only when I sleep, the world feels right, because there I can see Her, I can be with you, I can be who I want to be, I can be free...

I start looking through the rubble, trying to find something, anything to remember you by. The fire catches me and it devours me in a fiery tempest. But I don't fight, I welcome it. The warmth, the pain, the silence are exactly what I need. Memories are engulfed, my consciousness fades away, only ash remains...

X marks the spot...

There are no secrets in life. Just hidden truths that lie beneath the surface. Everyone hides who they are, at least some of the time. Sometimes you bury that part of yourself so deeply that you have to be reminded it's there at all. Then other times it's so blatantly obvious to everyone that there's no point trying to deny it. You just have to accept it for what it is and what it will never be...

I really wish I had a map or some sort of directions. It doesn't really matter where they lead, anywhere would be fine, as long as I get to go. I had a dream last night, about you. We were happy, I think. You looked at me with those eyes and you said: "Did you ever think we'd end up here?" I wanted to say so much but I couldn't. And you just kept looking. Now I wonder if it was really a dream or just a distant memory of what I let slip by...

Doing this gets harder everyday. There are times when I question the meaning of everything, but then I realise this is the only thing keeping me together. It isn't a lot, but it's enough. I don't need much, but I need something, anything to make it all seem worth it, even if for just a moment...

Afraid to exhale...

Just stop. Because we all know what's going to happen next. Everybody is screaming at you, but you don't listen. All you do is dream and one day you'll find yourself looking back at all the things you dreamt away. Snap out of it! Take control and man up...

That was the lecture I got today and from the most unexpected person. Who knew he had me so figured out, we only shared a few words. But where most would see a foe, I saw a friend who can teach me a lot about life, because there's so much more I need to comprehend. I realised that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and demand to be treated better and if it doesn't work, then I guess you're better off. I demanded, nothing changed, here I am, alone again...

Creating a legacy is next to impossible. But I'll never stop trying. Can you say the same? Or is this another lie? I can't even recognise them anymore, they've become so... ordinary. Not once have I been so close, to something I didn't know I wanted. I'm still not sure I do. But sometimes what you want, is exactly what you need...

Life on the D list...

Tko se je končal, neki kar bi mogl spremenit use,

ni blo dovolj, da nazaj bi dubu te.

Konec je isti k začetek, ki ga sploh ni bilo,

vse se je obrnal, nč ni več kot je blo.

Kar se naj bi zgodil, počas spoznavam,

da se nikol ne bo...

Hear me howling out your name in vain...

No good deed goes unpunished.

This is not goodbye...

I wanted other things. One day I'm here and then all of a sudden there's less of me and I wonder where that part went. Maybe it's living somewhere outside of me and I keep thinking maybe I'll get it back. Then I realised it's just gone...

I finished what you started. And you know better by now, than to think you can just give up like that. I'm not going to pretend like I understand, what it must feel like. Because I don't. You can burn all the bridges you want, and probably rightfully so, but know there is one bridge you will never tear down, not matter how much you try or have tried in the past...

I'm leaving again tomorrow and it's going to be quite some time before I come back. But no matter how far I go, I'm just an instant away. I don't buy the fact that you've given up, it's just easier to think that way. Do what you think you have to do, cry the tears that need to be cried, but always remember to believe, even when the sky is pitch black dark and there's but a fraction of you left. Because I still believe and I'll be damned before I lose you to the meadows...

He reaches out his hand, not in order to save her, but to be there when she realises that she doesn't really need to be saved. All she needs to do is believe...

My golden violin...

I need more than myself this time around. The goal is different, but I have a feeling that the path will be similar. The more I see, the less I know. And so I have to go again. I just want you to know, that I miss you. There I said it. Happy now? Because if there's one thing I want to do, before we move on, is to just say everything that needs to be said and we never had the courage to say...

We suck, we really do. Well, I do anyway. It's just so frustrating sometimes, you know? The more I leave, the more I want to stay and the more I stay, the more I want to leave. Really, how fucked up is that? But I'm not the only one, I know that now. Sadly, it's probably too little, too late. But somehow I still believe in new beginnings, even though I've never really had one before. Peace is a lie, there is only passion and through it we gain strength, then power, then victory. And in the end our chains are broken and we are set free...

I have a story to tell and I've started writing it. Who knows if I'll ever finish. But so far, the process has been liberating, even more so, than this thing that is not a blog. And maybe one day I'll share it with the rest of the world, which probably won't give a crap. But nonetheless, I do it for myself, for my freedom and my heart. Maybe one day, I might just repair it...

You hide behind your collar...

There's no way to manufacture a miracle, believe me, I tried. Sometimes you just have to wait for things to unfold by themselves. Everything around me is getting so cynical and every night I admit defeat. But then in the morning I can't get up, because I know that something is missing.

You can't control it, right? Everyone thinks you're satisfied, but they can't see your soul. You're lost, hurt, tired and lonely, hoping to find love that won't leave you. Because that's all we really need, someone who stays.

The whole world shook when you left. What was in your heart when it stopped beating? A storm is blowing through me, but I'm drenched in darkness up to my neck. Please be gentle, I'm still learning and you're miles ahead. Everybody loves your life but you.

They tell me I'm a lot like Her. I know I am. They tell me I have to watch what I say. I know I do. They tell me something magical and beautiful is coming my way. Is it really?

I see your dirty face...

Sometimes we have to sever old ties in order to make room for new ones. We have to let certain people go, so we can let others in. We establish new connections just as easily as we break them. But against all odds, sometimes a bond cannot be broken. Both of us pull away but we just find ourselves closer together. It is love in its purest form and the shackles which keep us together can never truly be shattered...

What about the others? What about you? Yes, I mean you. Is the silence really that comforting? Is decadence really the only way? I don't know the answers, and very few actually do. But know that even though nothing can be undone and not everything can be fixed, there is always a path which leads to freedom. The questions is, are you on it? And if you realise that you aren't, why still pursue it?

I take a knife and start cutting. I begin with casual acquaitances, followed by situational friends. The real ones take longer to cut through, but in the end only blood remains. Then I stumble upon her, who I decided to banish not so long ago. I lay the knife right at the core of the string, but then I pause. I can't do it, still after all this time, I can't. The tie remains, as I always knew it would...

Fighting just like boxers in the ring...

There is a drug that cures it all,

but I'm hung up on your wall

for the whole world to see,

so I can remind them all

of just what could be...

Everything has a story...

This is the war that's never won,

this is the soldier and his gun...

Pictures of you and me...

Today was emotionally exhausting. I had to be there for my parents, my sister, and even myself. But I didn't mind, because I knew that I could handle it. I knew I was strong enough to be the rock, everyone can lean on. And for the first time, in what feels like forever, I felt needed, and I felt like more of a grow up than ever before. We connected today on level, far beyond the realm of possibility. We were always family, but today we became siblings - brother and sister, in the most profound way I could imagine...

Tear drops kept falling, that dreadful poem was sung. But I stood there, tall and proud, not even sheeding a single tear. Is it courage or am I simply too numb? I wish I had taken the time to know him better. He lived, he really lived, but then again so have I. I battled demons, soared to glory, I cried and laughed - boy did I laugh, boy did I cry...

I'm slowly running out of words. Should I stop? Because really the silence says it all. What goes around comes around and life as we know it is like poetry. Deeply ironic, and ruthlessly vigilant. Amid the rhimes and metaphors lies a basic instinct to set people on the right path, which leads to self-sufficiency, a swift katarsis and to that which we all crave - happiness...

Where are you my honey...

You know that feeling, we all sometimes get, where we simply decide to shut certain people out of our life? Usually for no apparent reason, it just feels right somehow. But what happens when you're on the other end of the stick? When someone, who you've shared a lot with, suddenly decides your not worth it anymore. Do you just let them go? Or do you fight for what you believe in, for the loving bond between you, for all the memories you don't want to lose?

The choice is yours, either way. But know this, choose your battles carefully, because if I learned anything it's that some wars cannot be won. Most conflicts are over before they even begin and most people really don't give a damn what happens to you. It's all a game of pretend, of who can last longer, of who gets hurt most in the end of it all. I've always been told that you can't lose something you never had. But lately I've come to realise that we only tell ourselves it's so, in order to protect all the plunders of war, we so desperately clinge to...

Our existence is flawed. It was never meant to turn out this way - we set off on a different path, yet here we are. Do you think we'll ever be here again? Death to the deceiver and her faith, for it is her beliefs that doomed us and from this point on, the faithless shall seek revenge. The crusade has begun and with it a new era. A cold breeze reminds me of how human I still am...

I'm back with a brand new rap...

Težko je, ko ti zmanka besed,

sploh ko maš tok misli,

k jih preprosto morš dat na papir.

Spet je en umru, bi mogu čutit več?

Sam sebe presenetm,

kok k zakleto skos sm si odveč.

Spet je en umru, bi se mogu jokat bolj?

Kri ni voda, solze pa so,

škoda le, da za tebe porabu sm vse.

Spet je en umru, kmal bom tudi jz.

Ko se sonca bom dotaknu,

v glavi večno vprašanje bo ostalo:

al sm še živ? al sm že mrtu?

True love that lasts for a lifetime...

Something magical happened today and in the most peculiar place at that - the hospital. I knew he was in bad shape, but the fact that he couldn't remember me or my father is not what stung the most. It was seeing him, all bundled up in his bed, not even knowing who or where he is, that really made me start to think. Yet when his wife reached out her weak hand to pet his head, their eyes locked and in that moment I saw that even though he lost most of his memories, he remembered her and the love they share. They spent more than fifty years together, and I guess a lot of their journey was rocky and hard, but when I saw them, both already knocking on heavens door, but still so deeply in love, all I wanted was to ask them how they managed to pull it off. How can two people be so profoundly in love for such a long time? It was at that moment that I decided, I'm not going to rest until I find something similar...

Is it already here? Have I already met her? Has she already met me? I am alone, but I am not lonely, because I know that I'm going to find it someday and so will all of you. I have to believe it exists, or else everything suddenly looses its sense of purpose. It doesn't matter where you are, because I'm coming to get you. So be prepared, to be swept away...