Setting sail for north and never looking back...

My heart doesn't get broken anymore. I push people away before that happens. I think it's for the best. I know I couldn't handle another downfall. I'm at a good place right now. Alone, as always before, but somehow content with the way my life is going. Though I'd be lying if I said there aren't days when I just want to run away. Things are starting to unfold in a way I didn't think was possible. That seems to always be the case. My dreams never come true, yet my fragile existence keeps marching forward. I find strength in little things, the ones others take for granted. I am flawed without dispute and I have made many mistakes. But look at me, I'm still here, I'm still standing. I'm still screaming...

No one is afraid of heights, they're afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play, they're afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark, they're afraid of what's in it. No one is afraid of "I love you", they're afraid of the response. We're afraid of the unknown, the unfamiliar. But him, he's always been afraid of the present. He's afraid to live, because the past and the future seem so much better. He's afraid of life, because he's afraid that what has yet to be, shall not be what he dreamt of. He's afraid of himself and his secret. He's just a boy who's afraid to be himself...

I keep trying to find out what I already know...

Mlin na veter me bo gnal,

da ne bom nikol pristal.

Glih zdej plavam čez oblak

in grem tja, kjer je led s severa.

In vse to spremlja črn ptič,

ki mi vedno vse unič.

Zdej pa jadram v ekstrem,

da spoznam tist kar že vem.

The stars were never enough...

It's amazing what one person can do. Some people come into your life by accident, then they stay there on purpose and before you even realise it, things don't seem so hard anymore. Some people we meet, build us up, just so they can tear us down. Be grateful for those, they make you strong, and they can awaken parts you never knew existed. All throughout life, we meet people, and each and every one of them has a purpose. Some hurt us so badly we don't think we'll survive. But that's why we have those who help us dig through the rubble. It doesn't matter if they're as fucked up as you. The only thing that matters is that they are there when you need a shoulder to cry on. Have faith in those people. and most importantly, have faith in yourself.

I think I just need to choose who I want to be, then stick with it, and stand by it for the rest of my journey. Who cares if I fail or succeed. It's really about who I am, who I allow myself to be. No one has the right to tell you who you should be. No person, no illness, no character flaw or physical appearance. Your life is meant to be lived by no one else but you. So just pick something and stick with it. It might be rough and sometimes agonisingly painful, but at least you'll be doing something, at least you'll be living. Remember that each experience is a lesson to be learned. I just wish mistakes weren't so fun to repeat.

I admit, sometimes I let certain people get to me. I allow them to destroy me, and I don't really know why. I would like to blame fate, but I realised it's just something I invent when I need someone or something to blame. If it breaks my heart, I tell myself it wasn't meant to be. I've been searching since I can remember, for someone who walks into the room and knows where I am, without having to look. But it's never going to happen. I can admit that now. I've got lousy luck at finding love - or maybe I just haven't crossed paths with my soulmate yet. It's always easier to be a victim than a failure...

Only death can pay for life...

You know how you have days, when you're a certain that by the end of them, your life is going to change? When you know that the decisions you make will echo far into the future. Such days do not come by often, but when they do, it's do or die. It's fight or flight. But as always, for me, this choice is more complex. If I flee now, I can start building the life I want. If I let the life I have die, I can create the life I need. So tell me, what do I do? Do I continue building walls around the existence I despise, or do I run away, with not a single thought of my demise? Do I give it my all, and try to succede, or do I succumb to my dreams and try to break free?

Somehow I know that you don't get many moments like this. Moments when you know, without any doubt, that you are alive. When you realise that you were put on this world, to do something, to make a difference. When you feel the air in your lungs and the breeze on your face and the saggy grass beneath your feat. Moments when you are completely in the present, when neither the past or the future seem to have any hold over you, and you are ready to face anything life would throw your way. I tried to slow my breathing, hoping it will make this moment last forever...

A song of blood and fire...

You must give up the life you had planned, in order to live the life that's waiting for you.

I think being a dreamer has been my downfall. I dream without limitations, without burden or prejudice. I dream of everything and of everyone. As I take different forms and establish a different life within these dreams, I start to forget what is real and what isn't. It has dawned upon me that I dream more than I actually live. And that, I realised, has led me down a road I never wanted to take. It has taken me here, to this place where I'm not living the dream, but the dream is living me.

I needed to know that I meant something to you, anything really. Yet what I got was worse than nothing - it was your absolute minimum. And it's far more dire, because that means you did it intentionally, you did it to get rid of me. It's funny, the things you begin to understand when someone walks away. At first you feel as if it was your fault. You feel like nothing, and that you're so close to falling apart. Then in time you come to the realisation that you did nothing wrong. Friends are like trees. If you hit them with an axe too many times, they're bound to fall over.

There's a reason I always said I would end up by myself. And it wasn't because I thought I would be happy alone, it's just that I think if I really loved someone, and then it wouldn't work out, I would break apart. It's easier to be alone, because what if I learn that I need love, but I don't get it? What if I learn to lean on it, what if I like it, what if I shape my life around it, then one day it just disappears? I could never survive that kind of pain. It's like dying, only death ends. But this kind of agony, it could go on forever...

Še mal, še mal bolj dol, 
sam še mal bolj dol.

She'll forever hold a spot inside my soul...

And we were trying different things,

and we were smoking funny things,

making love out by the lake to our favorite song.

Sipping tequila out the bottle, 

not thinking about tomorrow,

singing sweet old rock and roll.

Now nothing seems as strange,

as when the leaves begin to change,

or how we thought those days would never end.

Sometimes I'll hear that song, and I'll start to sing along,

and think; man I'd love to go back there again... 

How I justify the way I live a lie...

It struck him like lightning. Seemingly out of nowhere, yet somehow strangely familiar. He knew he couldn't deny it any longer. It was as transparent as the moon on a silvery night. The truth however, did not bring him peace. It only brought forth more burning questions. Questions he was afraid to even think, let alone ask. He needs to confide in somebody, anybody really. He needs to let go of his fears, of his insecurities and his compassion. For once he has to be selfish, because only by finding his true self, can he become a vessel for change. He needs to fail greater than ever before, for it is from the ashes of defeat that he can rise once again and reclaim his rightful throne. But most of all, he needs someone to catch him when he falls...

I'd like to think that everyone has a guardian angel, who watches over us. They take different forms and they convey their messages in mysterious ways. But they're not here to fight our battles. They are with us so they can whisper from our hearts, and remind us that we are the ones who hold the power over the world we create. We can try to deny they exist, and convince ourselves they aren't real. Yet they'll show up anyway, at unexpected places and unexpected times. They can speak through any character they choose. They dare us, and challenge us to fight, to fight for our lives and ourselves. They make us see who we might be, they give us hope and strength, and the weapons we need to fight the battle of life. Angels do exist, sometimes we just refuse to listen...

I don't think I'm good enough anymore. Not for this world, or the people around me. It was never supposed to unravel like this. I had different plans, different paths I wanted to take. Now I feel like there aren't any roads left. Have you ever felt forgotten? Replaced in some form or another. Like all of a sudden you are no longer enough. I wonder if I should do the same - just forget about you. I wonder if that's the right thing to do. The answer is lost upon me, but I do know that I am no longer who I was, because we are no longer what we used to be. And that in itself, is just too much to bear...

I'm on the edge of glory...

Ko postane čakanje edini čas v tvojem življenju...

Fighting for people who don't fight for me...

Lately I've noticed that all I need is someone who will listen to my bullshit, call me out on my bullshit, and love me despite of my bullshit. I'm not sure if I'm happy or completely lost right now. I have no idea what I'm doing in my life or where I'm going. Sometimes I wonder if anything is absolute anymore. Is there still a right and wrong? The good and the bad? Lies and the truth? I think everything is left to interpretation, everything is gray. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, to transform it, because we're faced with things that are not of our own making. Sometimes life and all its tragedies catch up on us and we have no choice but to examine the person we've become. And sometimes we might not like the person we see...

As it turns out, nothing can save me from myself. Nothing is ever good enough for me. Nobody ever seems to make the cut. I followed my heart today, because I wanted to stand up for something I believe is right. But the tough thing about following your heart is that every once and a while it takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are as scary as they are exciting, as dangerous as they are alluring. Your heart can't always lead you down a road to a happy ending. And just when I thought I have matured, unexpected events occur and make me realise how much more growing I still have to do.

Give me everything tonight...

It's going to be great. I think I deserve everything to go smoothly this time. If not, then I really changed for nothing. I could pretend like I did it for myself, but we all know that isn't true. It was never about me, it was always about them and their world. I have continuously found its wall impossible to breach. All I ever did was brush the surface, I was never allowed further. Perhaps I'll never fit in, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I know most of you find me pathetic, caring so much about what they think, but really, who are you to judge me? I admit, I didn't have to go through the pain some of you have, but then again, you can't understand my pain as well. Our stories are different, and so is our pain. The one thing we have in common though, is our everlasting desire to escape from the life we knew and embrace the life we might one day have.

I think I was born to be stubborn, to push people, to push myself. Even at an early age I was taught to never take life for granted. So even when things get rough, I know at the back of my mind that I'll be fine. I was taught to never give up, to believe in myself, and most of all to fight for myself. Not a day goes by, that I don't repeat those lessons in my head, that I don't think of the promise I made to her. Not a day goes by that I don't remember the agony I caused. It has been a staggering journey, to say the least. And I realised that when you're different, sometimes you don't see the hundreds of people who accept you for who you are. All you notice, is the people who don't.

I'm terrified but I'm not leaving...

Take a deep breath, take it deep,

if you play, you play for keeps.

Take the gun and count to three,

no time to think, it's up to me.

And you can see my heart beating,

you can see it through my chest.

As my life flashes before my eyes,

many won't get the chance to say goodbye,

so I pull the trigger.

When tears keep streaming down your face...

You know how every now and then, you come to a moment where your whole life stretches out ahead like a forked road. Then when you choose one gritty path, you've got your eyes on the other the whole time, certain that you're making a mistake. I've been hidding for too long, I know. It was just so much easier and I found an unbelievable amount of comfort in my solitude. But now, as I'm rushed back into existence, I'm more afraid than ever. What if history repeats itself? What if they don't see the person I am, but the person I was. In my darkest thoughts I imagine how easy it would be to vanish, to sleep forever, and make all the problems of today, just disappear into thin air. I think, how simple it would be, to march towards the celestial gate and await the final lie...

I used to think that when I got older, the world would make more sense. But you know what? The older I get, the more confusing everything is to me. You'd think we'd get better at this, at living, yet the more steps I take, the more lost I seem to get. The lights, which have always guided me home, seem to flicker beneath the stars, slowly dying out. And as a gloomy darkness sets it, I have trouble finding my way. I don't think I've ever felt like this before. So void of hope and aspiration. Maybe it really is time to give up...

Someday someone is going to look at you with a light in their eyes you've never seen. They'll look at you like you're everything they've been looking for their entire lives. Wait for it, because trust me, it's coming. The trick is to be ready when it does indeed arrive. You can't let fear ruin it for you. You have to embrace it, you have to accept it, then you have to nourish it and if you're lucky, it will stay with you forever... 

For all we know, we might not get tomorrow...

The world is scared, but I swallow the fear...

"Farewell," he said with a sparkle in his eyes and a smile on his face. "So long," he whispered with tears pouring down his cheecks. It was symbolic, more of a gesture than anything else, but it was something he had to do. Saying goodbye to his past, to his heartache, to his pain, and embracing the future, full of heartache, full of pain. He accepted that this is just the life he was meant to lead. There was no more anger or disappointment, just peace. It may not be what he had hoped for, what he had wished for, but at least it's something. He may not ever become the person he dreams of, but at least he can be the person he is. He may never get his happily ever after, but at least he'll never stop trying...

The most beautiful people in this world are those who have known defeat. Those who know the true meaning of suffering, of loss, of death. Those who know struggle, and have found their way out of the depths. Those who have searched in vain and those who have loved alone. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion. It gives them gentleness, and a deep and loving concern for the people in their life. They are shaped through the hardships of life, from the gore of flesh and bone ripped from their body and soul. Beautiful people don't just happen, they're made.

Making me all I was meant to be...

I guess in the end, you start thinking of the beginning. And it was just one of those things which happened. I didn't think about it, or plan it. I just did it. It's funny how it all turned out. But I guess it's true what they say; the bigger you are, the harder you fall...

Ker papirji niso za v neskončnost,

ker papirji niso za v smeti,

na koncu ostane le resnica,

da papir je vse kar si.

Spišem gor preteklost,

pa mi ni všeč.

Zbrišem vso to sranje,

pa še zlažem se vmes. 

"Sam še tole spremenim,"

si rečem, "sam še tole, res."

Bitje, ki nastane, spominja me na veter.

Čutim, da nekje obstaja,

vendar nikoli ne zares.

If I only knew how to save myself...

I have a plan in the back of my mind. It's been brewing for years, and now I think it's finally time to start the last phase. All that I am, all that I ever was, will soon be gone. Just a few more months and I'll do it. Until then there are things that still need to be done, things I have to prepare, things I must try to execute. As the hour of my awakening closes in I try to prepare myself for failure. But this time around, I'll do it better, I'll fail better. That's what life is about. It's the thinking of things I will never do, and the doing of things I may never have thought of. It's the road ahead, and the road behind. It's the first step and the last, and everything in between. The truth can indeed, set us free.

I think the hardest thing to do in life, is to pretend to be something you're not. Lying to yourself and everyone around you, every day, every single hour, is heartbreaking. I know I'm lucky and should be grateful for everything I have, for the people I have lost, who have left me and those who I've pushed away. I pretend they never mattered, that I couldn't be happier, but the truth is, I feel so incomplete, so unhappy, so empty of any hope whatsoever. I hate who we've all become.

This is defeat. The moment when you realise that a choice you made, or something you did, has utterly changed the course of your life. When the only tendancy you have is to curl up in a ball and wait for the storm to pass. But if you somehow manage to take a deep breath and look around, you might just discover a path you hadn't seen before. So as I gaze in every direction, desperately searching for a way out, it seems I only spot one way. Some say it is cowardly, others that it's an act of absolute courage. I think it doesn't really matter what it is, just that it's there in the first place.