There were very few moments in my life, when I knew with absolute certainty, with no doubts in my mind, with a clear and rational head that the universe was giving me the finger. Today is one of those days. I can't even blame it on chance or a malfunction. The message was so obvious, so subtle, so straightforward. I've actually been laughing about it, because it's so genious in a way. Something like this cannot be produced by human thought or action. It's too grand, too complex, too fucked up. The only thing is, I'm not sure I deserved it this time. I followed the rules, I played the game, I put myself out there, literally as far as I could go. There must have been something I missed though, there has to be, because I've never been so close to the light. I can almost touch it. Almost.
I wish I didn't make so many plans in my head. I promised myself countless times before that I'm going to stop, but I guess it's a habit I can't shake. It wouldn't be such a problem, if some of them came true once in a while. It's because I build everything up so much in my mind, reality always keeps disappointing me. I fear who I might become if I continue down this path, I fear what I might lose. One day at a time, she reminded me constantly. I just wish some days weren't so hard to get by. As I prepare myself for yet another battle, as I lick my wounds and cover my scars, I remember everything she taught me and everything I learned over the last couple of years. And while many things are uncertain, one thing still remains true. I am a fighter, who's too stubborn to give up.
I wish I didn't make so many plans in my head. I promised myself countless times before that I'm going to stop, but I guess it's a habit I can't shake. It wouldn't be such a problem, if some of them came true once in a while. It's because I build everything up so much in my mind, reality always keeps disappointing me. I fear who I might become if I continue down this path, I fear what I might lose. One day at a time, she reminded me constantly. I just wish some days weren't so hard to get by. As I prepare myself for yet another battle, as I lick my wounds and cover my scars, I remember everything she taught me and everything I learned over the last couple of years. And while many things are uncertain, one thing still remains true. I am a fighter, who's too stubborn to give up.
