Just shoot for the stars and aim for my heart...

Days like today don't come around often. Nothing really happened, but in fact, so many things actually did. Change doesn't always have to roar, sometimes it can be a gentle breeze, and it doesn't even have to change all that much. Subtle and unsubstantial, yet ever so important. A promise made my the mind, sealed by the heart, and forever embbeded into the soul. Many of you have laid witness to my journey, some of you even helped me steer the wheel, and then there's those few, who completely changed not only the rules, but the game itself. I welcomed some, dreaded others, yet every single one of you made me who I am today. I'd say I'm grateful, but the truth is, who I am, is still not good enough. I need to become more, I need to reach higher, I need to dream bigger. I know I'll never transcend, but the beauty of my life is that I'll never stop trying.

It's laughing with your friend at a time you know you shouldn't. It's the sweat on your palms when you'd give anything just to talk to someone, and the pit in your stomach and throat when you actually do. It's being touched by hands that aren't your own. It's the thrill of an escape that almost wasn't. It's the embarrasement you feel, when you utterly give yourself to someone else. It's helping a friend find something they lost. It's a smile, a joke, a song. It's whatever you like doing and everything you like remembering. That's what it's about. That's what my life shall be from now on. So how about it? Do you want to jump with me?

Only we know what it's like to be mistreated...

But my dreams, they aren't as empty

as my conscience seems to be.

As I reached out my fingers...

I will always be one of those people who look out the window instead of being in the room. It's just who I am, it's who I'll always be. I tried to change, trust me when I say that I gave it my all. I flip between personalities, communites, families, yet the fact that I'm an outsider always remains. Tell me the secret, I beg you. I'm certain some of you know. You must. Please, just enlighten me. How do I belong? How do I fit in? How do I love, without being scared to my bones? How can I live with no thought of what can go wrong? Tell me, how do I let go and just be free?

I hate it when people tell me that they can't believe I've never been in a serious committed relationship before. What's so hard to believe? I've just never been good enough for anyone. And I know it takes patience and time and effort, but there comes a phase when even trying seems pointless. I keep running into the same obstacles. And while circumstances change, the end result is always the same. Me, in my room, pouring my heart and soul into words that will never truly be read. I don't understand, I really don't. One day I was walking towards my dreams, then suddenly I got lost. And to this day, I cannot find my way back. A maze like no other, more perilous than one can imagine, and guarded by monstrosities of unequal terror. The only thing that can save me, keeps slipping from my fingers. So now I wonder, if my time will ever come.

You gave me one last touch...

Eye to eye, cheek to cheek.

Side by side, you were sleeping next to me.

Arm in arm, dusk to dawn with the curtains drawn,

and a little of last night on these sheets. 

But in this California king bed,

we're still ten thousand miles apart.

The only one in the world, who won't be home...

If he could learn to love another, and earn their love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he tumbled into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?  
                             .
I'm telling you, you don't want to fall for me. You don't want to even be with me. I'd make a terrible boyfriend, as I always knew I would. I'm horrible at keeping in touch with people. I'd forget to call, I change my mind way too often and I can't seem to live without some sort of drama. I love going out with friends, and I can't settle. I've fallen in love and had my heart broken, more than once by the same person. I've lost the pieces so don't bother trying to put them back together. I'd never cheat on you, but I'd make you worry. You really don't want to fall for me. But I'm definitely falling for you, and if it's ok, I want to change all those things about me, just to be with you.

In tako sem tri leta kasneje sedel v isti kavarni in bral svoje zgodbe in ko sem pogledal skozi okno, je na drugi strani stal zamaskiran moški, ki je v rokah držal kamen in baklo. Bil mi je tako znan, kot brat, kot ženske, ki so vsak dan kupovale sadje na tržnici, in kot tisti fantje, ki so jih poljubljali. Naslednji dan sem se vrnil na svoje mesto ob šanku in na svojem mestu sem obsedel tudi potem, ko je padla prva molotovka, pa druga, in sedel sem, ko so domoljubno prepleskali pročelje z vsemi slovničnimi napakami vred. Tako sedim vsak dan, pišem svoje zgodbe, jih berem in ni zadosti ognja na tem svetu, da bi me pregnal. 

Standing by, waiting at your backdoor...

I'm speechless, because I was wrong. You are flawless. And once again the universe has proven how I'm nothing more than its bitch, who she can play with, who she can control. There could have been no greater taunt, no greater lesson in where my place is in this world. You are without question, far beyond anything I could ever aspire too. Perfection personified, in a way very few things are. You are the essence of every broken dream I've ever had. That's why I feel so intensely about you. I guess in my twisted mind I believe that if we'd be together, I'd be able to repair all the other shattered pieces as well. One day I'll look back at these times, and think; that's when my life changed in every imaginable way. I knew from the second I saw you that you would transform my world. The funny part though, is that you'll never know, that you'll never be mine. I however, will always be yours. All you have to do, is make a move. Go ahead, I dare you.

You can recall the creases caused by the smile on a loved one's lips or the way tears crept to your eyes. But pain is hard to put into words and in life there is always pain. It is as natural as birth or death. Pain shapes us. It teaches us and tames us. I can destroy us and save us. But always, without exception, when it happens, it takes our breath away. It turns us into stone, and then we have to be strong enough to break through the tough exterior. What's left is who we are, who we're meant to be. I'd like to believe each and every one of us represents a star in the pitch black sky. We can shine with the rest, sometimes we twinkle alone, and sometimes when we least expect it, we make someone else's dream come true.

Winter is coming...

I don't think I've ever been so infatuated with anyone, so in love. It's everything about you. I'm not even bothered by how awkward and socially retarded I acted when we finally got to spend some time alone. And I don't care if we'll never be a real couple. Because it's the kind of love that need not flourish. The fact that it exists, is amazing enough. You were everything I had hoped you would be, and nothing I feared. You're not perfect, far from it, but the thing is, neither am I. We met half way, well at least in my version of things we did. I can't even see clearly anymore. All my senses are engored by your fiber. Your smell, your taste, your laugh, they echo in my heart. I can't stop shaking. I can't stop laughing. The game has changed it seems. This time in a way I didn't think was possible. And I'm loving every minute of it.

An ending I saw from a mile away, but still, it takes me by surprise, when the truth shines clear and bright. I can't even pretend I didn't know all along. It's just so personal this time, and so profoundly more complicated. I guess it was just another silly dream. You were too in love with yourself to notice me falling apart at your feet, and I was too busy holding on tight, to realise the ground beneath me was sinking. I hope that one day we meet again, and when you see me, your heart stops. We'll look at each other and remember how things used to be. But as we both know - you pushed me away. I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there was no one else you'd rather be with and that you'd rather be alone than without my hand in yours. I wanted that person from the beach, telling the whole world that our friendship will never die.

You go back to him, and I go back to black...

You went back to what you knew so far removed,

and I tread a troubled track, my odds are stacked,

I guess I'll just go back to black.

It's the price of an artist the price of my dreams...

Guess I'm not meant to be with you right now,

but I'll wait here for you, 
I don't know how.

No matter how much I want you to stay,

it's a life of solitude that I must pay.

So please hold me tight, 
and say we won't fight,

because our days are numbered,
 before we take flight.

They'll never know your story the way I do...

Čakam. Še vedno ali že spet? Ne vem več.

                                                                                             

I think I got left behind somewhere. As it seems, most people don't have patience for hopeless romantics. I don't belong in this era, because there's far too few of us, and finding each other has never been easy. The worst kind of people, I've found, are those who have no real problems to speak of. Those more often than none, simply make them up. A disease, a disorder, a lack of selfesteem, it makes them feel special, and above all alive. Sometimes I envy their determination. It takes a lot of effort to convince yourself of something which never was and never will be. I envy them, because at any given moment they can decide to stop pretending, and just be normal. How I wish I had that luxury. I'm ashamed to admit how fast I would take the opportunity; how quickly I would accept that life, that love. She once told me that happiness is for the ordinary. Perhaps one day, I can prove her wrong.

Nevermind I'll find someone like you...

I'm at a loss for words really, even though I know there are so many things that need to be said, that need to be explained, that need to be told. It was as if nothing had changed, yet everything did in a way. It was easy to fall back into old patterns, but where we were, is somewhere I definitely don't want to be again. The road ahead has to be greater, we have to be greater. Circumstances are different and I'd like to believe we're better people now, better friends. I don't know though, I'm at a point in my life, where I'm more skeptical than ever. Perhaps this is our second chance, perhaps it is nothing more than a twisted joke from the universe. I dare not claim what it is, but whatever the future might hold, I'm confident in my resolve. I realise there are things we don't want to happen, but have to accept, things we don't want to know, but have to learn, people we can't live without, but have to let go. I wonder still, if you're one of them.

People always leave right? Well sometimes, they come back.

Please hold me tight...

There is no elaborate plan here, no notion to impress, no thoughts of grander. Just me and my story. How wierd is it, that even after everything, I still think the world is such a beautiful place. Magic is all around, we just have to open our eyes. Be it an unexpected new friend, who does everything all those who preceded never wanted to, or never could. Or be it a single touch and smile from my crush, or just the simple fact that twilight illuminates my path home. It's wonderful actually, how no amount of defeat can dampen my spirit. And I think I owe it all to you, and this thing that is not a blog. When I started I never imagined how much it would mean to me, how much it would change me. An unexpected twist in an already chaotic journey, and to be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by what other people think. Don't let the noise of others drown out your inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. Don't waste your time asking why such an amazing thing could happen to you, just let it happen. Don't doubt that you could be loved, just let yourself be loved. Don't ask why, it's such a wasteful question. Why? Because that's the way it's supposed to be. That's the only answer you can have. Accept it. Live it. 

So I threw us into flames...

You set fire to my heart,

 but you didn't rise to claim it.

Now there's a side of me

I never knew, that was never really true.

The games we play I never seem to win,

I can never set fire to the rain.

Out of my league...

I wonder how I can step forward, when I've yet to forgive what lies in the past. How can I love someone for who they are, yet want to hate them for what they've done? I guess what it breaks down to is this - there are always going to be those defining moments, the times which make us, or break us. Build us, or tear us apart. And whichever path we may choose, there are consequences of equal value. It's a true test of what we stand for, where we came from, and where we're going. These are moments that we live for, breathe for, fight for. They leave imprints in our hearts, shaping our souls, impervioulsy and forever. In the end I am confronted with the simple truth that if I want to be free of the past, I have to forgive it. And forgiving may mean letting go. And so that's what I'm going to do, that's what I've already done. Now all I have to do, is take a step forward.

He knows it doesn't make sense, that it's never going to happen. Yet still he dreams and hopes and wishes. They are too far above, they always were. His wings were cut off long ago, and now he has no way to reach them. As he gazes into their eyes, and as he lays witness to their happiness, he is overwhelmed with a sense of desperation. All the things she said, were never true, he can accept that now. But still it burns when he cries, because tears scream out his name. Some say he is going the wrong way. But the path is just his, away from the rest, right through the meadows towards his goal.

It's time to say goodbye to turning tables...

Close enough to start a war,

all I have is on the floor.

God only knows what we're fighting for,

all that I say, you always say more.

Under the haunted skies 

I see where love is lost,

I see where your ghost is found,

and as hard as you try, 

I will never defy.

How the mighty have fallen...

I am content with where I am. I've said goodbye to people I never thought I would, but I've also said hello to a couple of new one's as well. The agony of holding on, was just so much greater than the pain of letting go. So I did, and now I'm heading for limbo. Even though life keeps closing doors and shutting windows, I know I'll endure. Because if anything, I've always been handy with a sledgehammer. I was a fool to think it would be easier this time, I realise that now. It's not supposed to be simple. It's meant to be the hardest thing I'll ever do. I've lost my fear of failure and it's been the most liberating experience I could have imagined. As I look around and see the shattered pieces of all which once was, I make s silent pledge. Never again shall I settle for less than I deserve.

I'm not sure when my story began, and I certainly don't know how it's going to end, so I guess what you're reading is everything in between. All I can hope for, all I've ever wished for, is that some of you will come along for the ride. As much as I hate to admit it, I can't do it alone. And come to think of it, I don't want to do it by myself anymore. I don't want to be self-sufficient, I don't want to be strong, I don't want to walk this empty street with my head held high. At the core of it, I think I just need to belong. Because together we are so much stronger, so much louder. This might be another one of my fantasies again, but I don't care. Rather a boulevard of broken dreams, than a life without them. I'll set fire to the rain, just wait and see.