Living in a world on fire...

I could write page after page about how I am determined to overcome my recent circumstances, and how life has taught me countless times before that the pain you don't see coming, is the one that hurts the most. I could spill my soul onto endless pieces of paper and pretend like the monsters within hold no sway. But it's safer to simply state that I'm not quite there yet, and the wounds inflicted need more time to fully heal. I guess this means that what I felt was real, and that the journey we travelled meant something - well at least it did to me. As I gaze forward, like I always do, I can't help but feel anxious again. I wonder what's waiting behind the corner, over the mountain and under the sea. The possibilities seem endless and while the future is more terrifying than ever, I've learned to be patient, and trust that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

For the damned, the lost and the forgotten...

It was a strange moment for sure. I don't know why I felt so little when it happened. Maybe I was half expecting it. Though I did not shed tears, I need you to know how hard I tried to make it work. I don't think I've taken anything as seriously as I took being your one and only. Perhaps that was our downfall -  because as it is now clearly evident - I am the common denominator - I am the reason people seem to slip in out of my life easier than the waves crash against the shore. I wonder though, if the love we shared was real, why was it able to unravel with such speed? Is there something I'm supposed to learn from this? Or maybe something I missed? A beacon that would make sense of the way our paths uncrossed in an instant. Again the universe makes little sense, and the journey I was hoping to embark upon, is one I was never meant to walk.

As he laid his head to sleep, he was certain that tonight, after what felt like forever, she shall enter his dreams. And so he was transported to the beach, where they waved goodbye. He waited, so sure she would come. Yet as the sun was almost beneath the ocean, she was still nowhere to be found. Darkness covered the sky, and a grave chill went through his spine. Where was she? She should have been there, she should have helped him get through the pain. Yet he awoke without seeing her, and while he still hurt, he felt steady, he felt strong, he felt stable. It was in that very moment he realised that he doesn't need her anymore. He had survived worse, and so he shall survive this as well. A few inches taller and surely with a greater understanding of who he is, and who he wants to become.

Just yesterday you were a part of me...

The games we play, 

I always seem to lose.

And now it burns if I cry,

and I'm screaming out your name.

Sometimes I wake up by the door,

now that you've gone, must be waiting for you,

even now when it's already over,

I can't help myself from looking for you.

Afraid to fall...

I don't think the word lonely describes me. Lonely suggest that I am alone, yet I am not. It implies that another person, a place, or a memory, can slither into my life and fill a gap that inhabits my rib cage, that it can fill my soul with everything that it has been missing, and that it could make sense of all the cobwebs and thoughts that lurk inside my mind. I think that someone else's love could never wrap its roots around my rotting bones before they shatter. It could never count the petals that can be plucked from my eyelashes before they wither. I don't think anyone could replace this beautiful emptiness that lurks inside of me, or remember how long the lifeline on my palm is, or how many tick marks I've inscribed on it to count down until bliss. I don't think anyone will ever know me, heck I think I'll never truly know myself, and as a matter of fact, I don't think I ever even want anyone to try.

I feel so high when I come alive...

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know and realise that you too are worthy. Worthy of other's time, of their interest, of their attention and of their love. You deserve to be put first and to feel as important as anyone else. If they don't fight for you, then they don't deserve you. If you give them more than they're willing to give you - don't be afraid to move on. You shall find better people, better friends, better lovers, who won't be afraid to be everything you need. You don't need anyone else to respect you but yourself. You don't need their approval or their praise. All you need is to be able to get up in the morning, look yourself in the mirror and not only be content with the person staring back at you, but also be able to conjure an image of the person you'll one day be - with all the mistakes and fortunes life has to offer. Because I believe that we are who we choose to be and you can't count on anyone to come and save you. You've got to go out there and bleed for your dreams. You've got to spread your wings and ...

I didn't expect to be in this constant state of flux. I know I shouldn't have hoped for calmer seas, yet it feels as if I've been riding the waves for far too long. Even after everything, all the changes I went through, the transformations of my body and soul, I am still the insecure boy who's looking for a place to belong. When I finished my last journey I was so sure I could slow down, and now it turns out, I never really stopped running. When I lay in your arms the future doesn't seem so scary, yet when we're apart, all I seem to think about is how I'll screw us up. I need to believe I am capable of handling whatever life might throw my way, because the thing is, I always have before, I just never had the courage to trust myself. It seems like such a simple notion - to know with all your heart that you can endure, but for me that has been a life long battle, one I have yet to lose, but fear the most. Because once I fail, once it finally dawns upon me that I'm not meant to reach the stars, that's the day I won't survive.

My eyes fill with fear...

When words are not enough...

Eat away at this heart of mine...

Trying to hope with nothing to hold,

living on such sweet nothings.

It's starting to crumble. The foundations we were built upon tremble in the wake of our recent mistakes. It has to be my fault, because these circumstances have arisen before with different people - I am the common denominator. I don't know what it is about me that makes people treat me the way they do. Is it something I do? Is it something I say? Maybe some people just aren't meant to find their other piece and are destined to march a lonely road. I thought you'd be different though. I really believed we started something that could withstand my nature. Every time before, I ran away, but not this time, not with you. I've grown enough to face my demons, and hopefully you'll help me banish them to the abyss they came crawling out of . If not, then I'll continue forward as I always have. Alone, yet never lonely, with the sparkle of my dreams in my eyes, and conviction in my step I shall overcome even the greatest of barriers - the ones I dare not pass, and dread to tear down.

You're worth it every time...

I dive into frozen waves

where the past comes back to life.

Hold still right before we crash,

because we all know how this ends.

The clock ticks until it breaks,

and I drown in you again.

You're the piece of me I wish I didn't need,

and if our love is tragedy,

why are you my remedy?

It's hard to learn, it's hard to love...

There's an end to every storm. Once all the trees have been uprooted and roads ripped apart, the wind will hush, the clouds will part, the rain will stop, the sky will clear in an instant, and only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, we learn who was strong enough to survive. Those that did, shall move on to greater things, and be forced to climb taller mountains, swim across deeper seas and thread tougher tracks. The fate of those that lost their lives is clear, yet what of the ones who didn't die, yet lost everything in the wake of the tempest? Those are the people they never talk about, the people no one writes epic sagas for, but are the ones who suffer the most. Death would have been easy, simple, clean. The struggle to get back up though, is the most gut wrenching thing they'll ever have to do. Then even if they make it, even if they manage to get back up on their feet, what happens when another storm inevitably hits? What happens when destiny decides to reclaim souls that somehow got lost in transition? What happens to the boy, who never gets to fade away, yet fails and fails once more?

Forgetting all common sense...

Living on such sweet nothings...

If our love is insanity,

then why are you my clarity?

I think I've always taken it for granted, because I never really knew how hard it really is. This notion of holding someone's heart in your hands. You can feel it pounding, rushing with blood and life and hope and expectations. Then once you realise that all of those things lie literately in the palm of your hand ... it can be overwhelming, well at least it is for me. I've always ran away from it, but now that I have it, I'm scared that I'll never be able to live without it. I'm terrified that I'll lose it, then I won't be able to find anyone else to fill the void of my aching soul. Something that came out of nowhere, can leave the same way, right? Yet the catch is that this time around, I can't do anything about it. I am stuck in limbo, dreading its end, but secretly wishing I wasn't so dependant on it. We all know how this will unfold. I shall be broken and lusting for the love I threw away. There is no other alternative, no other way this story can reach its conclusion - the rise and inevitable fall of those stuck together, yet torn apart.

We all know how this ends...

There are two types of waiting. There's the waiting you do for something you know is coming, sooner or later - like waiting for the train, or your friend to meet you for drinks. And then there's the waiting for something you're not sure will ever arrive. You don't even know what it is exactly, in what shape or size it might come, or if it's black or white. But you're hoping for it. You're imagining it and living for it. It's every dream, every fantasy you ever have. It's every breath you take and you can see it as the stars cover the sky, and as the sun sinks in the ocean, and as twilight illuminates your way home. That's the kind of waiting that's tearing this boy apart. It's the kind that has no remedy, no clarity. The kind of waiting that makes holes in your heart, that shreds your soul and leaves open wounds. That's the kind of waiting this boy has to live with, the kind that will either make him into what he always wanted to be, or doom him beyond comprehension. The kind of waiting only fools wish for, and as it turns out, this boy has always been a fool.

It's happening again. I'm failing. Just enough for me to spiral out of control, yet not enough to set me on another path. Sometimes I think I'm in love with the irony and insanity of my life, the way it keeps me on my toes and always, without pause, gives me exactly what I want, in the most obscure of ways. Careful what you wish for has never held deeper meaning and as I'm losing hold of the stability I've grown accustomed to, I realise that this is what it means to relentlessly chase your dreams, and that I first need to fail and fail again, before I can truly appreciate when I'll finally succeed. But what if it never happens? What if I trapped myself in an endless cycle of failure, and each step I march further, takes a greater toll? I guess the true test has finally arrived. It's finally time for do, or die.

The world will know our name...

You could beat the world,

you could beat the war,

you could talk to god,

go knocking on his door.

You could go the distance,

you could run the mile,

you could walk straight through hell with a smile.

Do it for yourself,

do it for your pride,

never gonna know

if you never even try.

Standing in the hall of fame...

For the first time he does not have to say anything. The truth speaks louder than any words could ever hope to, and the memories which torment, are slowly losing hold. It's always pitch black before dawn, and as it turns out, it shall come sooner that he had hoped. There are days when it seems hopeless, but then there are days like this one, when he is sure, when he is so certain that the world shall know his name. He can march the distance and he can walk right through hell - with a smile on his face and tenacity in his step. The stars illuminate his path home as so many times before and the darkness fades with each fleeting moment. He wonders though, what happens when the sun finally shines through? What happens when the dream he dreamt, comes true?  

Burning with the brightest flame...