Fare thee well...

Our little space in between...

Every burden has been lifted. 

Every tear has dried. 

Every laugh has been silenced. 

Every sorrow has been forgotten. 

Every story has been told.

This is most probably the last you'll hear of me. I shall finish off this this year, then I think it will finally be time to stop. I have unravelled at my seams, and I have become everything I never wanted to be. I always believed that if I was patient enough, life would unfold in ways that would make me understand every setback and disappointment, yet as it stands now - absolutely nothing makes sense. I will not say goodbye, for I'd like to think we're above that. I'd like to imagine that we shall live on, and that we shall write stories and somehow, against all odds, be able to touch through the sheer willpower of our minds. Think of me when you are down - I shall be there to offer a comforting shoulder. Think of me when you'll be the happiest you've ever been - I shall be smiling right there beside you. Think of me when you have lost all hope - I shall be there to remind you that in order to be strong, you first have to be weak. Think of me often, think of me fondly, think of me as infinite.

The story of my life...

Written on these walls 

are the tales I cannot explain,

I leave my heart open, 

but it just stays empty for days.

It seems to me that when I die, 

these words will be written on my stone.

Not all who wander are lost...

I don't write because I would do it well or it would come easily and naturally to me, and I don't do it because I have this amazing gift I urgently need to share with the world or for the fact that everything I write is golden and begs to be read. I guess I would consider myself a writer because even after days like today, when life laughs in my face, and makes sure I not only trip beneath its will, but fall flat on my face, I keep on writing anyway. Even when nothing I do shows any sign of progress, and I have burnt every bridge to every person I held dear, I pick up my pen and somehow, almost magically, a giant weight is lifted from my shoulders. Even when there is no more hope, and love has failed me once again, or one could argue, I have failed it, I make sure that all my days end with words on pages and not with tears on my cheeks. I have given my soul to you, I have bled my heart dry, and now, after all these years, it is evident that you, that this thing that is not a blog, is my only constant, and in a way - the love of my life. I guess what I'm trying to say is; thank you. Thank you for sticking with me through thin and thick. Thank you for giving a hopelessly lost wanderer the courage to wander till the end of his days.

Moats and boats and waterfalls...

Leave me crashing in a blazing fall...

This year needs to end - for sure. Not that it hasn't been great or filled with countless memories that will be etched within my mind forever, yet as of now, I don't think I've ever felt such a need to finish off a chapter, and start the next. As I look into your eyes, I see the potential for greatness - for us to transcend our circumstances, and come together unlike any union before. You make me feel as if I'll really be somebody one day, like I'll achieve every stupid dream I've ever dreamt. So as our story starts to be written once more, I am certain it will be my last downfall. Either we touch the sky or fall beneath the encumbrance of our fears, these truly are the last words that need to be scribbled down. After you, I shall stop. There will be no more agenda, just the simple fact that everything I wanted to tell has already been told. Always in my unique way, with an overload of passion and drama, with a sense of irony and self-depreciation, with a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eyes; with resolve in my soul and warmth in my heart.

The full moon has foretold of the events to come. There is nothing he can do to stop it. The weave of destiny has started to unravel, and his only option is to let it. No more excuses, no more hanging on to past lies. His life has become for rent and those seeking to occupy it shall find only cluttered shelves and dusty corners. He is tired ... so fucking tired that he can't even sleep anymore. Something has to change, something has to give or this tale might end sooner than we've ever imagined. Nothing he has is truly his, and to this moment he fabricates unattainable scenarios and ludicrous outcomes. Rain falls on his cheeks, and washes away the tears that have long since dried up, hoping that those he wept for, have forgiven his mistakes. He is coming home, tell the world that he's finally coming home.

Your love keeps me warm...

Carpe Omnious...

I've been struggling to think of what to say ... so I stopped thinking. I was convinced I didn't know who I wanted to be, let alone who I was, but then I realised - the answer was all around me. I want to be someone who is willing to forgive. I want to be someone who cares more about others than himself, someone who isn't afraid to tell it like it is, even if it might hurt. I want to be someone who would give up everything for the right reason, someone who sees the best in everyone, someone who is a true friend. I want to be someone who always wants to be a better person, someone who has the courage to learn from his mistakes. I guess I want to be someone who can encompass all those things so I can finally be that boy who doesn't need anyone to make him happy. The boy who is willing to leave things behind even if it almost kills him. The boy who'll know how to dance all on his own.

I press play, you press pause...

I can't change,

even if I tried,

even if I wanted to.

Your love,

it keeps me warm,

and love is patient,

love is kind,

your love,

she keeps me warm.

Scream my name, and I'll be gone...

I am always in owe of how little I actually know about life. Just when I think I have things figured out, my slumbering nature rears its toxic head, and I am left with the simple notion that I'm not the person I wanted to be, that she wanted me to become. I am flawed in more ways than I can count, and I am still such a coward when it comes to things which matter. I don't live to be happy, I live like I was writing a story I would want to tell someone when I shall be grey and old. I let people go just for the shake of seeing if they'll come back, and as it turns out, none of you ever do. I am the common thread, the reason all of you leave, and the sole denominator for our undoing. Perhaps in another alternate universe our stories will carry on without the encumbrance of my undermining rationality or my aching body or restless soul. And maybe, just maybe, one day you shall think of me without resentment or regret, but with a smile on your face and peace in your heart. 

Live and let die...

Every demon wants his pound of flesh...

He never imagined he would meet someone like you. Someone who so utterly resembles the first story he ever wrote that it's almost frightening. That's why he's fighting so hard and cares so deeply - for you are the first fragment of his imagination and the very last piece of this puzzle. Whether you fall together, or rise alone, this is surely the last tale that needs to be told before he is finally ready. It has been a long time coming, and even as the past comes crumbling down, the future has never felt so promising.

Once again I was not good enough for you to stay, for you to realise that I needed a friend more than ever - though now it seems as if these shackles were always meant to be broken. You are free of me, free of the burdens I placed upon you, free of the memories that we created together - free to be happy, as none other deserves to be.

We cannot undo what has been done...

Even after all this time,

the same truth comes to mind:

the more things change,

the more they stay the same.

Love you like a love song...

I made a vow to wait until the end of this year. To wait until my heart was ready to beat again, to beat for someone else. Yet as it seems, that vow shall be broken, because not even I could have predicted that you'd ever come back into my life. When we first met, I thought you'd only be a passing ship, someone that would help me forget the memories that tormented my sleep, yet as it turned out, the potential of what we had the chance to be, haunts me unlike anything before. If this does not work out, I think you'll be the one that got away. That person I'll always look back to, and think; what if? What if I had fought harder, what if you'd stayed longer? What if we weren't so damaged and afraid? The story that is being written now is one I never imagined I'd be writing, but here I am, desperately trying with all my might to make you see, to make you realise that together, we're infinity.

The floodgates cannot hold...

It's been said and done,

every thought has been already sung,

and I guess right now, here's another one:

Your melody will play on and on,

you're beautiful, like a dream come alive, incredible,

sinful, miracle, lyrical,

you've saved my life again.

You are magical, lyrical, beautiful...

Ko čakanje postane edini čas, ki ga poznaš.

He could tell from your expression that you wanted to kiss him. That you wanted to hold him in your arms the way you did during the summer both of you will never forget, the way you had done a thousand times. The situation as a whole broke his heart to bits - yes he had been hoping, hoping with every ounce of his being that you have finally realised how stupid you've been, but deep down he knew there were other things at stake, other people to consider, and that perhaps he wasn't the most important fracture in this equation. Without a doubt, he has missed you, he has missed every part of you. Your darkest torments, and your brightest imperfections. He has missed the life you almost had together. But that wasn't enough, not anymore. This time you would have to fight for him, fight like you've never fought before. 

There is nothing left to see here, nothing left to read. I have been repeating myself for the last 5 years, and truly, I beg you to stop. You have watched me rise, and you have witnessed all my falls, and for the life of me, I still can't understand why any of you stick around. I am nothing special, and my story is boring as hell. Resowing the same patterns, not even bothering to introduce new characters - just a roller-coaster of my insecurities and simply ludicrous reactions. There are no answers here, no magical meaning - just a stupid boy, who never learned how to let go of those who let go of him. Perhaps it is finally time for us to part ways. But fear not, the person behind these words shall live on. He shall prosper, and he shall suffer in the same ways he always has. He will not die, for what you helped create here, will live on for eternity - just the way I planned.